It's 5:00 a.m. on a Saturday, most teenagers would be sleeping in. Possibly until noon, maybe have a little homework and they'll go out later that night. Not me, I'm awake. Always the same schedule. Wake up, take my dog outside, feed her. I'll hang out with her for awhile until about 6:30. That's around the time my dad usually wakes up. He'll come outside and say the usual “Good Morning sweetheart” and greet my dog Roxy. As he sits down to smoke a cigarette or two I go inside and get everything ready. When I hear grunting and struggling I know it's him trying to get up from his chair, to me that was just a signal that let me know he was ready. I grab his cane open the door and walk him to his recliner in the corner of the living room. It's a nice recliner, it was his dad's, my grandpa. My grandpa passed a little over two years ago, it's still hard to believe he's gone. Nonetheless, I sit him down, set the chair back, cover him up with a blanket, turn on either a cowboy show or the food network and give him his breakfast. It's an egg burrito, he loves mine especially, I think it's the fact that he’s so bad at making them that makes him like ‘em so much.

We'll talk for a while and I'll clean as he sleeps. The house is filthy, I live with my mom part time and can't always be around. He can barely stand let alone clean. The dishes are always stacked a mile high no matter how many times I do them. Glass bottles of vodka and beer everywhere you turn. There's papers and bills all over the dining room table, we haven't eaten there in months. Don't even get me started on his bedroom. Clothes, guns, boxes, bottles, paintings, dishes, you name it. There's worms coming out of the old food in the dirty dishes that have been there for god knows how long. So I put on some gloves and get to washing. It’s disgusting and the sight of all of the worms makes me want to throw up. My dad limped into the kitchen and told me how sorry he was and started to cry.. it breaks my heart to see him this upset. I gave him a kiss on the cheek, walked him to his chair and talked to him until he fell asleep. It's not easy seeing your dad so depressed. Everytime he looks in the mirror I can feel the disgust and self loathing he feels. I tell him he's handsome everyday and still, I know it makes no difference. After every meal I give him his insulin pen so his blood sugar stays level. He has diabetes, and he's an alcoholic and he's been smoking since he was my age. He's very sick, he has been for a while. His legs are as thin as my arms and his face looks as though he hasn't eaten in months. He doesn't smile the same and he can't do all the things he used to. No more roller coasters or playing catch. My little sister doesn't come to visit anymore because of his temper. She's scared of him, and with good reason.. he's not himself when he's drinking and now, he's always drinking. So far he's pushed everyone away, except for me.

Sometimes we'll go to his best friends house to eat and I know they see the pain he's going through. Sure he looks different maybe even a little scary to most people. But all I see is my dad. I see the curl of his lip when he's mad. The way his eyes light up when he laughs. He doesn't laugh as often so I take advantage of the rare times that he does. He cries everytime he laughs. I'm not sure if it's because it hurts him to laugh or if because everything is just that funny to him. It's so incredible to see him genuinely happy. I miss that side of him. The side that used to be my dad, my protector, my best friend. I never thought that one day he'd be my child.

No matter how sick he gets he refuses to go to the hospital. We don't do anything or go anywhere. I don't even have insurance. Despite it all, I love him to death.

Tomorrow's Halloween, it's our favorite holiday. We always decorate the house but not this year. He's too sick and I have too much going on to make the time. Tomorrow I'm supposed to stay home and take care of him, but my friend wants me to go trick or treating… My mom's taking me to his house before school so I can tell him the plan. I walk inside and tell him how I won't be coming tomorrow night but I'll be back Saturday morning. He's drunk. It's a quarter to 7:00 in the morning and he's drunk. I can smell it. He's angry now, he's yelling at me telling me how I promised him and that he thought I cared about him. “I love you daddy” is all I could say. He told me to give him my house keys and told me not to come this weekend at all. He doesn't want to see me. As I reached to give him a hug he closed the door, he's disappointed. I hate when he's disappointed in me.

Halloween was fun, we went trick or treating in this elderly gated community. There was nearly no one around and plenty of candy. I went to her house Saturday morning, I decided to obey my dad and not come this weekend. We're watching some movies and having a good time but I have this feeling in my stomach that something's not right. Something is really really wrong I just don't know what. My mom calls me, she says “I need to pick you up now” I asked why and she just told me to be outside and hung up. I got in the car and asked my mom if everything was okay -- she stayed silent. She abruptly parked not far from my friends house. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, I grabbed her hand and asked her what was wrong. All she said was “You know…” and took her hand back. I knew what happened. I couldn't breathe. It was like all of the life was being sucked out of me at once. I could feel my heart falling out of my chest, shattering. I didn't know how to think, my entire body went numb with shock unable to handle the news. My dad was dead. How do you react to that? I never cry, but this time I did. I broke, I curled up into a ball in my seat and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. Screaming at the top of my lungs “He's not dead!! He can't be!!”. Clenching my eyes as tight as I could hoping I'd wake up from this horrible nightmare. Unaware of anything around me. Not caring, anything I'd ever cared about didn't matter anymore. He'll never see his little girl graduate or go to prom. I'll never have that walk down the aisle, him handing me over to the love of my life. Have the father daughter dance we always talked about and practiced for since I was little. He can't meet my boyfriend's or give me advice. I can't hug him or call him whenever I want to I can't look at him and see him looking back. The last time we spoke, he was disappointed in me, angry even. That destroys me. But what breaks my heart the most is that he died alone -- Everyone always asks about him and our relationship before he passed. We'll save how he died for another day. So here it is, the answer to your question.