Scalding heat surrounded me as the sun beat down mercilessly upon the earth. The hot, thick air enveloped me and filled my lungs, making it difficult to breathe. Sweat poured from my forehead over my face, pooling on my nose and dripping into the burnt grass I laid on. Yet, a huge eye-to-eye grin had spread across my face. I radiated happiness, despite the miserable conditions I was working out in. Why?

The reason for my seemingly out-of-place elation at exercising outdoors in the unforgiving heat of a Michigan summer was the even less desirable state I had been in earlier that same summer.  I lost all my motivation in daily life; I stopped trying at and skipped most practices, didn’t try to see friends, just laid in bed most days. Overall, I felt miserable; on the good days, I felt numb. On the bad days, I felt an intense hate for myself; I would look in the mirror and think, why am I so ugly? I’m not good enough; I’ll never be good enough. I can’t do anything right. I’m not worth the space and time I take up. These abusive thoughts continually circulated through my mind, pushing everything else to some dark, isolated part of my head. The emotional pain was so intense that it often felt as if my heart was shattering. Nothing in my life had ever hurt more; no wound burns worse than one self inflicted.

However painful the entire ordeal was, no matter how much I wish I had never been through it, something wonderful came from that horrible summer. I can still remember it vividly; my mother coming into my room, which was dark and quiet. She sat down gently upon my bed, then looked into my face, a concerned look in her eyes. When she asked me what was wrong, I tried to look puzzled and told her that nothing was wrong, that I was fine. Of course, I was lying; she knew this. My mother, that wonderful woman, told me what she had seen in me; my constant lack of purpose and happiness; she revealed to me that she saw a lot of herself within me when she was young and had portrayed the same characteristics when she was depressed. It was then that I broke; I told her everything. The words flowed from me, and the tears began to follow suit. It was over, I thought.  She knew. She would think me weak, wouldn’t want me anymore. Interrupting my thought, she hugged me tight to her, and I sobbed into her shirt. My tears soaked my shoulder.

After she discussed with me the ways I could feel better. Exercising, going outside, anything; just getting back into the world.  My mother kissed my forehead and left my room.

The next morning, I created a core workout; my mother had said that exercise was one of the best ways to fight depression. It worked; after the first day of the intense routine, made up of several kinds of crunches and planks, I began to smile again, even sing. I was better; I had won. The war had just begun, but that day, I had come home from the battle victorious. I had come one step closer to winnig the fight against my demons, against myself. The realization that the struggle could end, that someday, it would be over, so filled me with joy that sometimes, it overflowed from my being in the form of tears. I realized that I was strong, that I wasn’t just some feeble creature; I had fought and defeated my worst enemy. Nothing had ever felt better than realizing I had learned to be happy again.

That is not the end of my story; beating depression led to amazing things that I never expected. About a week after beginning my workout, I began to experience thoughts about myself; encouraging, positive thoughts. I began to tell myself, you can do it! Look at how great you’re doing! Keep going, you’re doing great! My self-confidence increased, and I even started to recognize good qualities in myself.

I remember the first time I had a positive thought about myself; I was in the middle of my workout, and when the thought crossed my mind, I stopped, amazed and puzzled. This sort of thing had never happened before; I was shocked. Then, I laughed, the happiness overflowing from my being. My mother, my amazing mother, gave me the motivation to fight my depression by designing a daily workout; then, in the process of defeating depression, I learned to accept myself, and am now on the path towards self-love. The most difficult point in my life caused me to change into someone better.