This is yesterday. This is last Tuesday. This is the second Thursday in January and the last Sunday of last November and the first Monday of last July. My heart is sinking inside my ribcage, pumping blood for the wrong body. The sky is dark and dreary, and the stars have been out for hours. All of the lights have been turned off- gotta keep up the illusion that I’m asleep. The only source of light is my computer screen, too bright for my eyes and already at the dimmest setting. Words litter the screen, detailing symptoms of something I need confirmed.
Lethargy, loss of focus, discomfort with your own voice and name, hyper awareness and so many more, confirming the fears I’ve held inside. My dashboard is filled with sorrows of my brothers and sisters, the murders and suicides. All I can think is, Is this what I’m destined for? A life with an expectancy of 20 years? All I can hope is that I’m wrong. That the people answering my question are lying. The analog clock on my nightstand flickers, shifting to 12:01, the first minute of a new day. I power down the computer, setting it aside for the time being. I know I’ll look again in the morning, to see if I’ve been proven wrong. The feeling lingers, my heart sinking further than the lowest it can go. It lingers day in and day out, dragging me down through laughter and anxiety and dinners and lunches.
(euphoria teases, and
dysphoria lingers
and i am left alone at midnight)