Dear 100-year-old me,

I often think of what my life is turning out to be. Whether or not I am destined to be what I want, or to be what someone else wants me to be. As mere children we are all pressured to be the best we can be, some more than others, and I can't say that I have been exempt from such expectations. Mom and Dad truly want what is best for me, and who am I to disagree? I am but simply, a sixteen year old girl, about to turn seventeen, getting ready to be launched into a new world where Mommy and Daddy can't provide everything for me anymore.

I used to be able to see my life so clearly, as if watching through a screen on my laptop or television. Now, I can't see anything. With no future set, uncertainty never looked so frightening. For now, I can only hope that the choices I make are the best for me and not for anyone else. I am still trying to figure myself out but have come to the conclusion that the decisions I make are going to be for me and my happiness because I am the one who is going to have to live with them. College is coming up soon and in the course of the next seven months, I will have to have an end goal in mind.

I will have to choose a place where I belong and stay there. I will have to find someone I belong with and believe me, I long for that person. Somehow being alone in this world gets harder with age. In school we have been taught to have an end goal in mind and right now, I am sort of playing things by ear, hoping that one day, that end goal will suddenly swoop in and save the day. For now I am so lost it's a wonder I can even find my way home. The mistakes I’ve made recently prompt me to fear my own judgement and ability to make the best decisions. I’m sure I remember my first love and I’m sure I remember the pain but also the joy of him. He taught me many things and also helped me determine who I am. Gosh, I loved him with a passion. It was young love but I have never felt anything like how I felt with him. He also taught me about loss, and how it feels to lose someone that was so important in my life. In the end he taught me that all good things really must come to an end. It hurt immensely and it is still something I am fighting to move past, but I can’t forget how he managed to show me how things really are. I have no idea where he could possibly be as I am reading this on my 100th birthday, whether he is long gone, content with his own wife, or if he is still in my life.

I’m sure at this point in my life, the people I love the most are watching me read this. Hopefully my children will see me open this letter and read it aloud. They’ll listen to the words and think to themselves what silly things i’ve chosen to say in this letter. They’ll wonder what persuaded me to think this way. They’ll wonder what their mother was like when she was sixteen. I can tell them exactly how I am. I am irrational, loyal, anxiety prone, loving, curious to a dangerous level, and full of wanderlust. My grandchildren would look at me the same way I look at my grandmother. With respect and love in their eyes. They most likely will listen but disregard this letter as the ramblings of an old woman.

I expect at least four grandchildren. Four grandkids to be my pride and joy and to show off at all those old bingo nights that you expect old women to go to. At every reunion, party, and any chance I got, I would brag and show silly little pictures of my family. I would brag whenever I went out to breakfast with them to some poor waitress who will have no choice but to listen. My grandmother always does that, she would smile from ear to ear and tell our server how I am her only granddaughter out of four.

My daughter, who went off to law school but always came home in the winter and called me every night she could to tell me about her day. She would argue about how her new case is really driving her up the wall and we would complain about our husbands over coffee. In high school she was rebellious like me, but intelligent. She passed all of her AP tests with flying colors. My oldest son, who became an engineer. Following in his father’s footsteps, and lifted me off the ground whenever he hugged me when he came home. My second son, the writer, who asked me for help on every paper he wrote in college and followed his dreams pursuing the most interesting stories he could find. My son who also moonlighted as a poet, writing the most eloquent and exquisite poetry. He would bring me souvenirs from every pace he’d been. Last but not least, the youngest son, the surprise. My little baby, he struggled to find his identity growing up but managed to pull through. He’s the soldier in the family, enlisting right out of high school like his grandfather. He wrote every chance he got and managed to give me even more anxiety, worrying for his wellbeing every minute of every day. At least, this is what I picture, I would be content with whatever they chose to do of course. Nonetheless, I would push them to strive for excellence, since that is what I had been pushed to achieve.

I wonder what the years to come are to bring. Are they going to be full of sadness? Happiness? Loss? Remorse? All of the above? It’s interesting to think of what is to come for me and for my life, but if I think like for too long I start to get a headache, then the anxiety appears like a creeping fog in my mind. I can only hope that my life has and and all emotions that I could possibly experience. I can do without the loss but I know that could never happen. I already experienced my first heartbreak and that was enough loss to last a lifetime. To truly experience the full human experience, I believe that all lamentable emotions and all adored emotions are key moments in any human life. One cannot experience true happiness without knowing pure sadness. One cannot exhibit enormous amounts of courage without knowing crippling fear. I hope that at the ripe old age of 100, I have experienced as many emotions as I possibly could in my lifetime.

Did I pass my AP tests? Did I get into the college that I want? Did I ever travel with my grandmother like I want? Did I become an officer in the navy like my father wants? Did I become a doctor like my mother wants? I have so many questions that I want to ask but I know that I can’t possibly know the answers now. I guess that not knowing is the greatest advantage. I could be reading this and be crying because none of the things I wish for myself happened and I have been alone all my life. I believe that being alone forever is the worst possible outcome I could ever imagine for myself. I think that is what scares most people, the idea of being forgotten and lost in the sea of people who could never achieve their dreams.

I don't know what kind of choices I made, if it is me reading this, cudos to me, I remembered where I put this darn letter. Knowing me, I probably read this a million times before it's intended timestamp. Can't say I blame you, 100 year old me. You're going to read this and cringe, most likely at the underdeveloped writing skills and the overly dramatic tone of this letter. I do hope that the choices I made during the next eighty six years of my life have made me happy. God only knows what situations I'll get myself into. Knowing me, I'm sure I'll be able to weasel myself out of trouble. If I do manage to completely disregard my instructions of reading this when I reach 100 years old, I can only tell myself that right now, I have never been more afraid. I am afraid of myself and what choices I am going to make; but I am also exceedingly confident in myself. I am, after all, simply a teenager in charge of her own ship. I'm sure I'll find a destination soon enough.

With love and high hopes,
Emma