I was afraid.
I thought I was dying.
The smoke flooded my lungs as I gasped for air.
I was weak. I was limp. I knew my time was up, and I accepted it. I wanted it, I wanted to die. I did not see a point in living anymore if the rest of the world saw me as a fool, a nobody, an enemy to the world, a destroyer of faith and love as we know it.

Life was never going to be the same. My parents hated me. I was going to be shunned by my family and friends and the whole community I live in. I was going to be kicked out of the house and be homeless. There was no hope for me anymore. All these thoughts were going through my head at once. My family had discovered my deepest, darkest secrets that were supposed to be forever locked in my head and my head alone. The world was never suppose to know, but these wrongdoings and sinful memories leaked. They leaked like blood from a wound; a deep, unfixable wound. I was devastated, lost, hopeless. I lost thought of everything around me, and I couldn’t think straight.

I was so lonely.
I was so angered.
I got mad and locked myself in the garage.
I cried.
I yelled.
I called for help, but help never came.
I saw no other outcome.

I started to grab all my old papers, paintings and drawings, I even grabbed some of my old awards and threw them all into a big burn barrel. I lit a fire with all my old things.

I wanted to erase any part of existence I had on this world so when I did “disappear” no one would notice I was gone. I didn’t care and no one else did either.
I began to cry again.

I had become so caught up with my emotions, my thoughts and the thoughts of others that I didn’t notice the build up smoke that had formed in the garage because of my careless burning of things. I didn’t realize till it was too late. So much smoke had been trapped in this garage with me that I became weak very quick.
I panicked and jumped to my feet to run to the door. Before I could run I slipped, I slipped on some paper and other things that belonged to me that I threw on the ground in a fit of frustration. When I hit the ground all the air was knocked out of me. I had hit my head on the concrete hard. So hard my head began to bleed and I slowly started to lose consciousness.

I grew afraid of what was about to happen. I could barely see because my vision became blurred after I hit my head and I couldn’t move, it felt like I had become paralyzed. The smoke just kept building up as I lay there. Knowing I could not move all I could think of was death. I was so afraid to die at that moment and I honestly thought death was coming, inching closer every minute I lay there. But then I thought of why all this occurred. I thought everyone hated me, I thought there was no one who would accept me, I thought there was no point in living.

I began to cry again.

Why would I think such horrible things. I should have known my family would still love me, no matter who or what I am. I should have known there are so many people in this world just like me, ones who would accept me as me. I started to feel a hint of hate for myself at the moment but thats all I could feel other than the pain I felt from breathing. My eyelids started to grow heavy, my breaths started to grow shorter and more spaced out.
Right before I lost complete consciousness and possibly right before I lost my life all I saw was a sudden brightness out the corner of my eye and shouting. For a couple of minutes I had spaced out and still today I don’t remember what happened after that. All I do remember is that feeling of hatred I had towards myself at that moment.

I know I should be grateful towards whomever opened that door to let the smoke escape but sometimes I ask myself what would have happened if no one opened that door. What would have happened if I would have been stuck in there and suffocated. Would the world be any different without me? Unfortunately this secret I have held and this accidental “attempt” at suicide makes me ask myself these questions on a daily basis.

Although this event almost ended my life I never let it pull me down. I still live my life with my friends and family just as we did before this exposure, like it never really happened, but it did and there is no going back in time to change what has happened. Every day I embrace this moment and accept myself for who I am; I become stronger every day thanks to this occurrence.