It was my brother, Jason’s, freshman year in high school, my 7th grade year. There was only a short period of time between his bus stop time and me waking up to get ready for school. Short conversations were all we had. I was sitting on the couch working on homework. Randomly he wanted me to get up and hug him. I said no, I did not know why he wanted me to hug him. Everything with him had always been a joke and I would probably end up getting physically hurt somehow. He was getting upset, so I decided to get up and hug him, while preparing for whatever he was ready to throw at me. Jason did not hurt me, so I was surprised, and trying to figure out what scheme he was going to pull. This was the first time we have hugged in years. The first hug he has ever given me willingly. He hugged me so tight and I embraced it. He said, “I’ve never hated you.” I stood there.

He has never said these words to me.

“I always wanted you to be better than me,” He said.

“Why?” I asked. I had nothing else to say, and I thought it would have been rude of me to cut him off from the conversation so quickly.

“Because I wanted you to be stronger than me.”

I could hear the lump in his throat, and the big gulp he tried to swallow it down with. He was going to cry.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked. I tried to back away.

It only made him hold on tighter.

“No! I wanted to tell you why I was so mean to you. I wasn’t purposely trying to make you cry when we were little.” His eyes started to drip out tears. Seeing my big brother cry, made my eyes start to water, too. I could never handle seeing my older brother cry.

I held him a bit closer. “Tell me,” I whispered into his damp shoulder.

“I wanted you to have a better life than me. I wanted you to do great things. Things that I know I could never do. I knew if I were nice to you, you would not be ready to face the real world. You would be weak.”
He was my big brother but he should have protected me growing up but instead, he wanted to prepare me for things and people bigger than himself.

“I set high standards for you. You’ve always have had better grades than me, mom will never stop comparing you and I.”

I could barely understand him, let alone converse back with him.

“Do you understand?”

My mouth would not let out the words. I could have been screaming and nothing would come out. I shook my head yes, slightly.

He continued on.

“I never planned to let it get this far. I hear you weeping at night. I read the things you write on your wall in Sharpie. I know you feel empty, but I love you. I will never stop loving you. You are my little sister, my only sister.”

I release my grasp of my right arm to attempt to wipe my nose.

“It was me trying to protect you from the things that I couldn’t protect myself from.”
“Why did you do this to me? Why did you keep me up at night, thinking that you hated me?” I asked; I had to ask.

“It was to keep you safe. It was like my way of protecting you from people. Instead of me standing up to people for you, I’m making you stand above them.”

Both of our voices were nowhere near steady. If we had not of been siblings, we would not understand what we were saying. It was like our own secret lingo, that only brother and sister could understand.

I was not just a lost cause he called a sister. A part of me was not present and he had given it back. I was missing out on the handle holds while walking across the street. I was missing that hand to help me up when I fell down and scraped my knee. I was missing out on the memories I could have had with him.

“I am safe,” I said, thinking I knew what I was talking about.

“No. You are not. You’re still oblivious to the world. You don’t understand how cruel the world it is!” He started crying harder.

I never saw my brother so upset. I have never seen him cry so much since we were little.
“Jj, are you okay?”

“Yeah. But that does not matter,” He said wiping his nose.

“It does matter. I love you.” I stated.
“I love you too.”

He let me go, wiped away my tears, and wiped away his. He wiped away the evidence we ever had that talk. He made his way to the door. I stood there in shock. How could he just end it like that? The puzzle pieces started to actually fit together and he just left it like it was nothing. My whole existence made sense. He just walked away from me like it meant nothing, as if none of it happened and everything was as normal as any other day. This was frustrating, how he could just pick up and leave, but minutes before he was spilling his heart out to me.
I had to keep myself together that day. After he left, I was home alone. No one was there to hear my ranting about what had just happen, or the silent thoughts of trying to sort out my brother.
Going to school that day was difficult; I was trying hard to concentrate. Every thought I had was about my brother. Jason had told me the reason for ruining the childhood I could have had with him.
During math class I thought about his joke that was funny after the situation had happen. He would say my name over and over again - just to bug me.

“Hey. Hey… What’s two plus two?”
“Jj! Leave me alone!” I would shout at him.
“Guess!”
“I’m busy.” He drove me crazy.
“Just guess.”
“Four. The freaking answer is four.”
“Wrong! Its fish.” He knew this would make me get really angry.
“What! No! No its not! It’s four! Fish isn’t even a number! You’re so stupid!”

“Come here. I’ll show you.” He drew a regular number two, and then writes a backwards number two, to create a fish picture.
“Told you two plus two equals fish.”
“Shut up, Jj.” I said with a grin on my face.

I had come home to find everything still looked the same. My dad was lying in his bedroom, watching a sport on TV. I thought my mother was working open shift at Burger King, who would soon be getting off. Jason’s door is closed, I walk in and see the light was off, like usual. I thought it was normal, until I turned on the light and seen he was not home. This could have been okay, it has happened before, but I decided to ask my dad, anyway. I wanted to know why my brother told me so much before leaving for school.

“Hey. Where’s Jj?” I said, walking pathetically to my parents’ room.

While standing in their room, waiting for him to respond, I remember the drawings my brother and I use to make with crayons on their bedroom walls of basketball courts. We did whatever we wanted when we were that age. We were young, innocent, and so pure. Nothing could stop our imagination. Nothing could break us more than what we did to each other, he was my partner in crime.

“He’s in the hospital,” he said, with a strand of attitude in his voice.
“What! Why?” I gasped. What happened to my brother?

“Because he was crazy. He’s insane. The doctor said he’s been depressed. I don’t know. I had no clue. But I’m sure he’s just going for the attention.”

This broke my heart. Why my brother? We had been so distant for such a long time. I did not ever stop to think he could be depressed.

“I don’t think it was for attention. Jj doesn’t seem like the type of kid to do that. Maybe something was actually wrong.” My eyes began filling with tears. My dad hates when I cry, he thinks it’s a sissy thing to do. I have learned how to hold it in around my parents.

“Well, mom said that Jason has been saying something about some girl named Caitlyn. I don’t know. I’ve never heard him speak of her,” my dad said, sounding concerned.

I was confused. I have only met Caitlyn once, and that was at the skating rink, only weeks earlier than when this was happening. I knew they were friends. Jj had spoken of her many times before, saying that she is beautiful and kind. I had only but nice words to say about her, too. I do not understand how she could have upset him so badly for him to be depressed.

It had bothered me that my brother was gone. I would not even know when I would get to see him next. I went into the living room and just let my tears flow. I did not understand, even though I wanted to. I would not know until my mom got home from the hospital.

“Whose Caitlyn?” She asked as soon as she walked through the door.

I had to play dumb. My brother trusted me with that type of information, his late night rambling sessions. He had only shared this information with me, and just then I realized he trusted me with things he did not tell anyone else. I did not really know anything to deep about Caitlyn, but it was still enough to keep it sacred.

I was still crying when she asked.

“I don’t know. Jj has only talked about her once to me. He said they were friends.”
“Yeah, well, Jj said all of this is over her.”
“What do you mean by ‘all of this,’ mom?”

“Jason tried to kill himself at school today. That’s why he’s in the hospital. I’m sure you’ve already discussed all of this with your father.”

I could feel the color run out of my face, dripping down my chin along with my river of tears. He tried to kill himself. That was all I could think about. He seemed so happy! How could I have missed this? How could I have missed the signs? I’m sure they were there if I had just looked closer.
“He tried to kill himself?! What for?!” I started yelling.

“I don’t know. It was his choice to try. We couldn’t stop him. But thankfully his friend Caitlyn did; he wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for her.”

“When can I see him again, mom?” My sobbing was uncontrollable.
“There’s no saying when. He’s in there for awhile now, until he gets better.”

“Can’t I visit him?”

“No, only me and dad can. Sorry honey. I know you’re going to miss him.”

I start screaming into a pillow, squeezing it until it had flat spots. I could not handle myself; my brother was gone, no saying when I’ll get to see him again.

“He gets to call each evening. Around the time we finish eating dinner. His call time is limited, but he is allowed to talk to anyone.”

We had been having dinner at my grandma’s house for a few years now, so tonight would not be any different. Once you walk through her door, you could smell the freshly baked chicken coming out of the oven, and hear my grandpa mashing the potatoes.

It always seemed happy at my grandma’s house, but today I knew this dinner would be odd. Not having my brother there was like not having lettuce with a salad. It all goes together, and when something is missing, it does not feel right.
After dinner we sat down and waited for my brother to call us. We were waiting for ages. I kept trying to picture what he could possibly be doing.
What was the mental hospital like?
I am hoping I will never find out.
About fifteen minutes later a call came through to my mom’s phone, and we all settled down to hear him. With the phone on speaker, we gathered around my mom, just to make sure we could understand him when he was ready to talk.
“Hey Jj,” my mom says loud and clear.
“Hi mom,” he replies back, with a trembling whisper tone.
“We’re at grandma’s house, so we are all here.”
“Oh, hey grandma and grandpa. How are you guys?”
“We’re fine bub,” my grandpa says. “How are you?”
“Well… I’m hanging in there. We’ve been watching movies all day. I almost forgot to call. Dad. Are you there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. We’re all here.”
“I just want to say I love you. I’m sorry if this seemed like your fault.”

I start crying. Everyone in the room must of thought it was because I missed Jason so much, which I did miss him, but that was not the reason I was crying.

“Jason! Get off of your a**!”

“What for?” My brother was yelling back at my dad.

“You need to get off your a** and help us clean. You don’t do anything but just sit in here and sleep.”

“Neither do you! All you do is go to work, come home, and sleep all day!”

“No, Jason. I do a lot more than just that! And you should too! Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

“Dad, don’t say that.” I said to him. I hate when he compares my brother to me. Its like he’s stabbing my brother in the heart and I’m the knife.

“Jayelynn, shut up. I was not talking to you.”

“But you’re talking to Jj and I’m not gonna let you talk to him like that!”

My dad stomps out angrily to his bedroom where he sits watching football until he falls asleep. My father has always had problems with my brother and I, only when we were together. It felt like we could not be a complete family, ever.

But now we have to stick together.

The phone call went on with no sound. We did not know what to say, none of us. He said he had to get off the phone so other kids can call their families. I told him I missed him and I hope to see him soon.

That night we went home, and I lied on his bed and cried. After I finished crying I lit his favorite incent, turned off the light, closed the door to his room and went to sleep on the couch.