“Hi Kate, my name is Jessica. Please have a seat and let’s talk for a bit. I would like to get to know you, and hopefully I will be able to help you feel better about yourself.” That was the first day of my healing process. Jessica became my new best friend. At the time, that sounded like great news to me as I didn’t have a lot of friends. Jessica wasn’t even a big, fancy psychologist; she was a counselor at a psychologist’s office. Jessica had a great reputation for helping teens cope with anxiety issues, so she was exactly what I needed. She was young and very easy to talk to, she understood me. Up until that point, my anxiety issue was out of control and keeping me from being a happy, normal teenager. I had been to a regular child psychologist, that my parents paid a lot of money for, but all the psychologist could tell me was that it was typical teenage behavior and I would work it out myself. The diagnosis for me was that I was a child with a bit of anxiety combined with puberty, and putting the two together can make hormones go crazy. That wasn’t Jessica’s diagnosis for me. She said, “I can help you figure out why this is all happening and give you some great ideas of how to handle situations as they come up. Kate, you and I will become great friends, and I promise you that your days of feeling bad and embarrassed are over. OK, lets start at the beginning, when did this all start.”

I cannot really put my finger on the exact day my life went crazy. I think it might have started in preschool. Everyone, teachers and parents, pretty much chalked it up to separation anxiety, something that every child usually goes through. I can remember being very upset when my mom would leave me at my preschool class, but my teacher would do a great job taking my mind off of it. The first thing we would do in class was circle time, and I can remember her letting me sit on her lap until I felt better. I can remember my mom would leave the building upset because I was upset, it was very difficult for everyone. She also knew that it was the best way to try help me get through the separation. Before I knew it, we would be busy with arts and crafts, and I did not even realize that my mom was gone. Next, I went to elementary school. Kindergarten was a pretty good time for me and I did just fine. But look out when first grade came! My first grade teacher, who by the way was the sweetest woman, had to pry my fingers off of my mom just to get me into school. Believe it or not, I wasn’t the only one. There was three of us, and we created quite a scene every day outside the first grade doors. I would cry hysterically, embarrassing myself, begging my mom not to leave me. Again, we thought it was separation anxiety because I had moved on to a full day of school. After first grade, I did not have as much of an anxiety issue. I even got to be friends with the girls in the popular group. Then, anxiety struck again after they kicked me out of the group! I really didn’t understand at the time why it happened, because we all got along so well. But as I have moved into high school, seeing those girls now, I am very grateful to not to be a part of that group of friends. They say things happen for a reason! It was very stressful for me to trust myself and put myself out there again to find new friends, but I tried and I made some new friends. One new friend that I made kind of looked down on me when I didn’t feel comfortable doing some things she did. Again, normal kid stuff that I didn’t have the self-confidence to do. She moved on without me, and once again I was forced to find new friends.
When I went off to middle school, I thought I was in good shape. But just how anxiety works, you never know when it will hit you again. Anxiety was back with avengence! I had really nice teachers, so I couldn’t understand what was making me so nervous about going to school everyday. I had an awful feeling every morning that something bad was going to happen. I had thoughts that someone in my family would get sick. I would check the weather on the computer to make sure it wasn’t going to storm, because I was convinced I would not be safe in a school building. I gave myself the worst stomach ache which convinced me that I would throw up in front of everyone at school, and the kids would make fun of me. I started my day at school just about every day in the nurse’s office. Her and I got to know each other very well. This was when my parent’s decided that it was time to get some help and talk to someone new. The psychologist that I had gone to see told me that I would get through it, so I battled every day through sixth grade. I did ok, but it was kind of rough at times. I really didn’t notice much anxiety when I was out of school, I’m sure because I was with my family. When my anxiety was at it’s worst, we had to cancel a vacation because I just couldn’t handle an airplane or crowds due to how I was feeling.

When seventh grade came, all new teachers came with it, along with my terrifying thoughts. Many mornings, my mom would have to basically carry me into the car and then I wouldn’t get out of the car once I got to school. I would keep my fingers on the lock button in the car so that she couldn’t open the door to get me. It was so depressing watching all of the normal kids go into school laughing and having fun, when I couldn’t even think about getting out of the car. Even more upsetting was fighting with my mom every morning. She would beg me and offer me anything I wanted, just to get me in the door to school. She would say, “Kate, I promise you that nothing will happen and you are safe. You know I would never let anyone or anything hurt you.” I was in such a bad place that I wouldn’t even hear what she was saying. Once she would get me into the school building, it was another trip to the nurse’s office. One particular day, I had a really rough morning, so the assistant principal thought it would be a good idea to talk to the social workers at the school. They did absolutely nothing for me, and basically told me that it was all in my head and nothing would happen to me. It was really embarrassing listening to what they were saying to me when so many people I knew were walking by in the hall. I was crying hysterically and a random teacher, that I had never met, walked by the room. She stopped, came in and actually helped me calm down and talked to me like I wasn’t a crazy lunatic. She said, “Hi, I know you don’t know me, but I just wanted to see if I could help you.” After a short explanation, she told me that she had anxiety her whole life and had been in my shoes before. She calmed me down because she actually talked to me like a person, and not some silly kid that was having issues. She helped me get to class and told me that we were now friends and I could come to her at any time of the day, just to talk or to eat my lunch with her, even if she had a class. She ended up being one of my teachers in middle school, and to this day, we are still good friends. I hear that she got in some trouble from her bosses for stepping in to save me that day, but if she hadn’t, I don’t know what I would have done. It would be nice if more people were like her. It is a very lonely feeling when you are experiencing an anxiety episode. After that day, my parents, teachers, assistant principal and school nurse sat down to make a plan on how to handle my mornings. The nurse was put in charge of my situation and any time I had an issue, I would go see her. As my day went on, I felt much better. Her and I had a great relationship, and the plan worked out well.
My parents decided that it was time to get some new help outside of school. That is when I met Jessica. Jessica and I would meet for an one hour, once a week and just talk. We would go for a walk to get a donut, or just play a board game and talk about my week. She gave me a rock that we wrote all of the things that made me anxious on it, and I would keep it with me all the time...tucked away! This way my fears were out of sight. She also gave me a bracelet that was like a rubber band. And if I started thinking bad thoughts, I would snap that band on my wrist to get myself off of the bad thought. Jessica told me that I was a good person, and that things will happen with friends, school and boys in the future, but just to stay positive. My time eventually ended with Jessica, but I know that she is only a phone call away. She taught me that having anxiety isn’t something to be embarrassed about. It is a small bump in the road and if handled the right way and not ignored, it can totally be controlled. I still sometimes feel a little bit of anxiety in certain situations like school or on an airplane, but because of Jessica, I am finally in control.

Anxiety can really embarrass you, can depress you and make you lose your self- confidence. When I started going to high school, I was in a good place with my anxiety, but my freshman year I found it hard to get involved in school activities and didn’t have a big group of friends. I did have a small group with a few very good friends, and that was just fine with me. By my junior year, I felt brave enough to become involved in many different activities, and have made so many new friends. I have noticed from time to time, other kids in my classes that are having different types of anxiety issues. One day, a girl sitting next to me in one of my classes leaned over and said, “Kate, I just don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m sweating, shaking, and feel like something terrible is going to happen to me.” By that time, I was a pro and told her, “Don’t worry, it’s just a little anxiety.” I was able to help her understand what was going on and how to help herself. The teacher heard what was going on and pulled me aside and told me how impressed she was with me, not many high school kids would do that for someone. Many kids in high school have anxiety issues, but some just handle it different than others. There are probably even teachers that have anxiety issues. You just never know.

My anxiety issue has by far been the most embarrassing time in my life. Unfortunately, I did nothing to cause it, but definitely had to take steps to control it. Thanks to some very special people that stepped in; a strange teacher that I had never met, and a young counselor that became my great friend. With my anxiety, it makes me sad to know that I caused a lot of problems for my friends and family, but I have learned that there is never a good time for anxiety to strike, you just can’t let it keep you down. I would like to be a teacher when I finish school, and if I see one of my students with a bit of anxiety, I will be supportive and understanding, just like that one particular teacher and my friend, Jessica.