I wanted to believe; I did. But what I didn’t yet know was that believing is not necessarily seeing. Sometimes, to believe, you need to take that risk; scream to the Heavens and talk to a seemingly empty room. At first you feel foolish. But then you feel it. You feel something unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before. There are no words that can describe it—only a name: God.

I never thought God would take the time to talk to me. Sure, I called myself a Christian, went to church with my parents, and obediently recited the Lord’s Prayer, but I did not think that I was of any particular importance to God. I went through the motions, but I felt so alone. I never told anyone how cold and abandoned I felt. My future looked bleak and distant. It was like I was stuck in dark pit that grew exponentially deeper. I did my best to blend in and keep quiet.

When the popular girls I followed around all during freshman year started talking about a youth group camp, I decided I’d better go, just so I could say I went with them. I had my mom sign me up, and didn’t think much about it until that chilly November weekend arrived. But it turned out to have a much greater impact on my life, far more than I could ever have hoped for.

We were to drive a few hours into the mountains, where the camp was located. There were an odd number of girls in the group, so naturally I had a pair of bus seats to myself. I spent the first night on the bus crying silently into my sweatshirt that I had rolled up like a pillow. I thought that if this was what the rest of high school was like, then I might as well end it before it could even begin. It was the first time I had ever seriously considered suicide.

I went through the motions at camp, too. For the whole weekend, I sat on the outer edge of the circle, laughing at the appropriate times and only contributing when necessary. I closed my eyes and bowed my head before meals and after “Club.” I was miserable.

But on the last night, we were told to go outside under the stars, find a place by ourselves, and just talk to God. I was terrified. What would I say? I’d sound so stupid just talking at the sky. Even if God were real, He wouldn’t care. I never expected Him to listen. I curled up under a frosty tree and pulled my coat tighter around my torso. It was freezing. I looked up at the brilliant maze of twinkling stars, and began to sob. I didn’t know what to say. I needed help. Could God even hear me? Was He even aware of my struggles? I begged Him to reveal Himself.

Suddenly, wonderful warmth swaddled me, and I could feel His presence. It was the most indescribable experience, and I have never been able to do it justice in words. Then, I was immediately aware of a shape in the trees. The moonlight hit the trunk of the pines in such a way that what reflected back at me was the shape of a cross. Goosebumps erupted over my skin. I sobbed even harder. It was then I knew that no matter what happened, I would be safe. Everything was going to be okay. All I know is that I will never be the same. He saved me, and I am forever grateful.