I saw her mouth open. I knew what words were about to hit me, and I was scared. Yet I just stood there, as if the thought of the words had rooted me right on the cement outside. The three words that no one wants to hear their closest friend say to them, were suspended in the space between her and I. Her voice was shaking, almost as if all the tears she couldn’t cry were about to be unleashed upon me in the few seconds it would take for her to say the words.

One year was all it took to ruin it. 3rd grade, on the bus together, same seat. Just the two of us. Her hands were holding mine, and we leaned into each other. In the brief moment, she said “I love you.” We sat in silence, just staring at each other, glad we had met. Together. And only a year later she took it all away by simply saying the opposite.

4th grade, we were pretty much the closest of friends. Every after school activity she went to, I was with her. I finished the class work first, she finished second by a small margin. She was next to me at lunch, recess, and group work. I never said anything to my parents about us, it was far too embarrassing to me. All conversations after the activities we did with my parents was “How are you too getting along?” I responded with fine, as nothing had been going wrong with us. We were still friends. And then a few weeks after, it wasn’t fine.

It was the short little class time before we would have our recess time. The whole class was sitting at our desks and just talking about random stuff, our teacher was cool like that. Me and my two friends, using the term friends loosely here, were just talking, as everyone else in the class was. By some weird twist of fate, we had gotten on the topic of who we had a crush on in our grade. I had a feeling that it would be a bad idea to mention it, but I knew I could trust them. We’d hung out all this grade, joked around, the standard stuff friends would do. So, I told them that I loved who I did. ‘What could go wrong?’ was stuck in my head for the time that it took me to say that. Everything could go wrong, and everything did go wrong. My friends sat there for like a minute, and just gave me an “Okay.” response, probably because they really had nothing else to say to it. The feelings weren’t just like as in “We’re gonna be friends for a long time,” it was more like “I want us to be together.” By the time the initial shock had run out, it was time for us to go to recess. Of all the times that we walked outside for the 20 or so minutes of play, that day’s is just still, even after all this time, sitting in the back of my head, wanting to do today over.

It was just a short 2 or so minute walk from the class to outside. The hallway right before the exit was always a nice place to be, like you were escaping the school work and all the people you didn’t like in your class, even if it is only for 20 minutes. The fresh air was nice, felt very relaxing, almost a bit too relaxing for what was to happen. My lunchbox was in the bin for my class, and I had walked over to hang out with her, as we did every day. I was walking over the sidewalk, and saw her with the person whom I told my secret to. It was pretty obvious what was going to happen, but I thought nothing of it. I walked a bit closer, and saw them talking. I still was clueless, and I continued walking. I was in eavesdropping distance of them, so their voices lowered to a whisper. Next thing I knew, I heard her voice. She looked ready to burst into tears. I was confused, and curious on what could have been said to cause her to act like this. She was always a happy person. Her voice raised so I could hear her, and she said it. “I hate you!”

I was frozen for that minute. I know I heard what she said, but I didn’t fully understand what had happened. Just, out of nowhere, hatred. We had been friends for so long, and it was all gone, a leaf fallen off a tree and blown away by a breeze, or in this case, torn off with the whole branch by a tornado. I was just standing there, I was a statue. A broken one at that. The girl who I loved, had just yelled at me and said that she hated me. I had, and to this day still don’t have any idea what was said or what caused that reaction, but I may never find out. I tried so hard not to cry, and I somehow didn’t. I just ran, ran away from the words still in the air, away from her. My friends tried to figure out what happened, but I ignored them all. Not one of them could help heal what had been wounded. Not one of them even could understand what had happened. I just lost my closest friend, one I thought would always be with me, by my side, all thanks to saying the right thing to the wrong person. The whole recess was spent by me asking the same question over and over again: “What did I do wrong?” Was she mad because I loved her? She said those same words to me one year ago. Was she mad because I told people? It was a mutual friend who told her what I said, she shouldn’t be that mad at me. Was she mad because I had betrayed her trust? She told me how she felt when we were together, alone. I should have told her right back there, but I couldn’t. I kept in how I felt for a year, and let it out to my so called friends, and it was all gone in that time. She couldn’t trust me anymore, I’m guessing. She probably didn’t want anyone to know, and I was an idiot and said it. The hardest part wasn’t even getting over the words she had said. The worst part was that I still, in the farthest part of my heart, I still loved her. I was still hoping, that one day, we could be friends again, and then be back together. I sometimes still think that today, in the back of my brain, right alongside this day. I didn’t just lose her, I lost myself. I was normally the quiet kid who talked to all his friends, told them everything. I’m now the quiet kid who tells nothing to people, even when I know they care. It hurts, seeing her everyday at school. In a crowd of a thousand, my eyes shall always focus in on her only. In this, she’s referred to as the girl who gave and took in the span of a year. To me, she’s still the one that I love.