There’s something about your favorite band that just makes you feel alive. No matter what kind of day you’re having, the opening chords of your favorite song are guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Whether you’re feeling anxious, depressed, angry, or pissed off, as soon as the singer opens his mouth, everything melts away.

One of my go-to pieces of advice for people struggling to stay alive is to find someone who was worse off than you are and has stayed alive. If they stayed alive, then so can you.

For me, that person is John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats. He’s survived drug addiction, child abuse, and depression. And he stayed alive. I’ve survived OCD, GAD, and depression. And I stayed alive.

I have a friend who’s schizophrenic, and was in and out of hospitals most of first semester, much like I had been. Almost as soon as I got out, he went in. I managed to stay out of hospitals--barely-- for the rest of the year. He was not as fortunate. When I saw him the last time he got out of the hospital, I hugged him and didn’t let go for several minutes.
Therapists don’t always like The Mountain Goats because some of John’s advice goes against their advice. John sings in “Amy AKA Spent Gladiator 1” “Do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive. Do every stupid thing to try to drive the dark away. Let people call you crazy for the choices that you make, find limits past the limits, jump in front of trains all day and stay alive. Just stay alive.” . I quoted this once while I was in outpatient, and almost immediately, a therapist corrected me. “You can’t do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive.” she said. “Like drugs and self harm.” I’ve struggled with self harm for over a year, although I never turned to drugs, but I knew kids--both in inpatient and outpatient--who turned to drugs to cope with depression and anxiety.

There are four songs that kept me alive. They are as follows: “Cry for Judas”,which opening lyric is, “Some things you’ll do just to see how bad they’ll make you feel. Sometimes you’ll try to freeze time till the thoughts are a blur of spinning wheels. But I am just a broken machine and I do things that I don’t really mean.” We are all broken machines, and do things that we regret. The second one is “This Year”, which chorus is, “I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.” The song is about John when he was seventeen years old. He lived in a house with his abusive stepfather, and one day escaped. At the end of the song, he returns home. He sings,“The scene ends badly as you might imagine, in a caddelcade of anger and fear.” He then delivers the sucker punch: “There will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year, I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.” John sings in “White Cedar”, “I’ll be reborn someday somehow, if I wait long enough. I don’t have to be afraid. I don’t want to be afraid.” Sometimes, you’re afraid of your own brain, afraid of the monster that lives inside.“White Cedar” is a song about “going into hospitals and getting out of them, and going into them, and getting back out of them, and going into them,and getting back out of them.” (Darnielle) The fourth is “Spent Gladiator 2”, which contains the line, “Just stay alive. Try to play through the pain.” He sings, “Like a fighter who’s been told it’s finally time to quit. Show up in shining colors and then stand there and get hit.”

If I ever meet John Darnielle, I’m going to hug him, and thank him for getting me through the dark times. I recite “This Year” during panic attacks. I remind myself of the chorus of “Amy AKA Spent Gladiator 1” when I’m depressed. Three of those four songs are from the album Transcendental Youth, which is about the severely mentally ill. Sometimes, you identify with the guy who keeps going back into hospitals. Sometimes, you relate to the narrator who is trying to stay alive at all costs. These songs provide someone to relate to, something that is not to be taken lightly. You might be feeling like your only option is to die, but I assure you, it is not. I’m not going to give you the speech that most adults give: that it gets better, to call a hotline, to talk about your feelings. If you’re anything like me, you’ve heard that speech countless times before, but I can tell you one thing: that it really does get better. I didn’t think I’d live past Halloween. When I did, I surprised myself. I didn’t think I’d stay alive till Thanksgiving. Admittedly, I was in the hospital over Thanksgiving, but still. It took a hell of a lot of courage to go into that ER waiting room, to be honest with the doctors and nurses and techs and social workers. But I survived. I survived Christmas, I survived the New Year, and I’m still surviving. It hasn’t been easy, but I did it. And like John sings in “Heretic Pride”, I am so proud to be alive.