When people see me or talk to me, they usually are a bit amazed by my perpetual kindness towards them. In fact, I’ve actually been called “too nice”, “pushover”, and even as far as “weak” several times! It doesn’t bother me at all; I enjoy hearing what people have to say, good or bad. But there’s a little more behind that smile I like to wear so often: a past that not many people know about or ask about. I’m perfectly fine with that, but I’m an open book for the most part; I have nothing to hide. The past is the past, and nothing can be changed. Why try to conceal it?

I think the main cause of my pain in the past was the hate I’ve seen around me throughout my life: hurtful words, tears, and anger, to name a few things. My parents divorced when I was only six, just barely starting first grade, hardly old enough to know anything, and even today, nine years later, that has never been an easy thing for me to talk about, and it probably never will be. It definitely did shake me up a little. I’ll never forget the day when my brother and I were sat down in the living room of my old house. All I remember of the dialogue portion was those three heartbreaking words: “We’re getting divorced.” But, being only 6, I didn’t know what that meant, so I said, “Ok! Cool!” I now think back at what a dumb thing that was to say, but of course, I didn’t know any better. I had no idea my life would change in an instant. I can’t even begin to imagine what my parents thought of my reaction! I feel terrible to this day.

I honestly don’t know the full story of how or why they got divorced, and I think it’s best that I don’t, because truthfully, I don’t want to hear it. I’d rather save myself some grief and not cry over what has already happened. I’ve learned a lot from this experience, and I know for sure I’ll try my best not to make my parents’ mistakes when I’m their age. Even though I was too young at the time to really understand that my life had suddenly changed forever, I know what happened now. I’m also glad it happened when I was young so that now, I have trouble remembering the fine details, and I’m actually pleased about that. Why would I want to remember something negative about my life if I don’t have to or can’t? However, regardless of age, the frustration and heartbreak for the kids involved in a messy divorce is not something that should be taken lightly. I’ll still get upset about it once in awhile, thinking about the disappointing truth that nothing is perfect and what I do know about what happened.
My parents used to say, “We only want what’s best for you,” and I’d just stay silent and think, “This wouldn’t have happened if that were true. You would have tried harder to make things work.” I now realize that my thoughts were a little unfair, because they really did try. I can see that now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely lucky. I’m thankful that my parents live close to each other, only about two minutes away, so it’s not a horrible inconvenience to get from one house to the other. I’m also grateful and blessed that my parents will actually talk to each other fairly amicably. They obviously still dislike each other, but it makes me happy that they will talk, and for the most part be nice to each other. I’m not complaining about my life at all, not in the least bit. However, I’m not one to dwell in the past--I always move forward, almost never looking back.

Seeing the ones I love fighting so much really left a mark on me when I was younger. However, I’ve moved on for the most part. For many years I only felt anger, and I took it out on other people around me, unfortunately. Nobody really wanted to hang out with me because I tried to act cooler than I was, to mask the sadness inside of me and look confident. Clearly that didn’t work; I ended up looking cocky and arrogant, but I don’t blame people at all. I honestly would not have wanted to be friends with me either! Although I believe I’ve greatly changed personality-wise since then, it’s probably still the reason today why I don’t have as many friends as other people--the years that I really should have made friends, the years that really counted--elementary, for the most part--I spent being angry, anxious and sad. In addition, having to adjust to new stepparents certainly wasn’t easy for me, either. Having complete strangers constantly around me, and being forced to get to know them and like them in a rather short amount of time, even if you don’t at first, isn’t exactly what you’d call easy or fun. Eventually though, I began to adjust well and I now really enjoy my “new” life. There’s always the occasional fights between everyone, but at least things are much more peaceful than they used to be. I’m grateful for that more than almost anything else.
Staying positive in the darkest of times is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself. It took me quite a while to figure this out, but I recently did. My past has made me a stronger person in so many ways. Nothing like what I went through bothers me anymore, and I feel more sympathy for kids “like me”, from a broken and/or blended family. I just had to always believe and know in my heart that things would get better, and slowly but surely they did. Unfortunately, being a people pleaser, it truly breaks my heart when I see people fighting, even if they’re joking, especially my family. I always want everyone to be happy, but I know this is impossible and could probably never happen. One day this harsh reality will hit me. It sure hasn’t yet, though.
It’s been said that everything happens for a reason, and even though sometimes, I won’t always know what that reason is, I strongly agree with that statement. So, being an optimist, I think it’s important to also mention that many good things have actually come out of my parents’ divorce, despite what I’ve said. At my mom’s house, I have a dog who I love to death, and I probably would have never gotten him if my parents were still together. I also technically get to have two Christmases, two family birthday parties, two Easters, etc., one at each house, which is always fun because it extends the holiday or celebration by some time. I have 2 rooms that I can decorate to be any way I want, whether they’re exactly the same, or completely different. In my case, they’re actually very different in their own ways, but I like it that way. Despite bad-mouthing the divorce earlier a bit, and despite the sadness I felt after realizing my family would never be the same after it, I really do consider myself very lucky. My situation could have definitely been a lot worse, so I’m thankful that I have everything I need to grow up and be a responsible and independent person. I’m extremely grateful for everything I do have, and I try not to take anything for granted. I have it pretty good right about now, so of course, I try hard not to complain about anything. I’ve come to realize that no family is perfect, and no matter what happens, no matter how messed up things get, I wouldn’t trade mine for the world.

I’m in a great place right now though, nine years later. My family may fight, but don’t all families sometimes? Nevertheless, I know they love and care about my brother and I regardless, which makes me feel good inside. I also have great friends that usually support me whenever I’m going through a tough time, which, luckily, hasn’t happened recently, so I feel lucky to know people like that.

I’ve learned a lot even from just growing up like I did. I want to be successful in life as I get older, hopefully getting good grades and going to college. I’m excited for the future; I can’t wait to see what happens!
My motivation is to always keep a smile on your face, stay positive, and think about things that you like to do or the ones you love. That has always helped me feel better when I’m down about something. I know that there are going to be good days and bad days in my life. I’m fully aware that nothing is perfect, and good things won’t always stay. I still want to live my life to the fullest, though, so for now, I smile through my pain and sadness of the past, thoroughly enjoy my present, and look forward to a bright future.