“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”
Sarah Dessen

Home. It’s not a word I tend to use often, because to me- the place I live isn’t a home. It’s a house, a place in which I co-exist with the beings around me. I define a home as a place filled with love, a place where you can feel safe- where you can feel happy. I feel none of those where I live. Every day is an effort, one so immense that it suffocates me. Every day I wake up filled with dread, and every night I go to sleep shaking. The tiny room that holds all of worldly possessions isn’t safe, but it’s as close to safety as I can get. Or so I once believed.

What I remember of that night is foggy- shadowed by time and fear. I remember her words though, snapping at me from above- I remember her body dwarfing mine, trapping me by my window in the corner of my room. “Mom!” I screamed, “You’re scaring me! I don’t feel safe, please just go. Leave me alone!” I remember her face; I remember the look in her eyes. How shiny they were- how they gleamed. And I remember her smile. I remember watching it grow wider with every word she spoke. “You don’t feel safe? You’re scared? Good. You should be.”

As I sit here, typing this, I’m in my room yet again. Trembling, crying, and listening. I’m listening to her talk about me. I can see her in my mind’s eye, perched on the couch with a smile on her lips as she tells the man who is not my father about all my wrong doings. I’m imagining the look on her face as she complains about the child she wishes she never had, who isn’t giving her the respect and obedience she expects.
I’m sharing this today, I may be shaking, I may be crying, maybe doing nothing at all- but please listen to what I have to say. I believe in many things, but one that keeps me going is the belief in a home. A home filled with love, and one that isn’t filled with anger. I believe that achieving one is possible, and that I can’t give up just yet.