After coming to the United States, I went to the swimming pool for the first time today. When I arrived at the swimming pool, I met a new team of coaches and friends, and I smelled and felt the atmosphere of the new swimming pool. It’s only then that I realized a lot of things have happened to me. As soon as I dived into the pool splashing around in the water and smelled the unique smell of the swimming pool, things that were difficult and adversity for me passed by like a flashlight.

        In the summer of 2013, when I was seven years old, I was curious about Artistic Swimming, which was one of the after-school activities at school. I saw some clips of Artistic Swimming, and became interested in a ballet-like exercise in the water. When I first went to the swimming class, I was so shocked. It wasn’t what I had expected,  but was a high-level exercise. It was too hard for me because I required muscular strength, flexibility, and swimming skills as well as an ability to hold my breath. I came home after my first lesson, and told my mom that I wouldn’t go to the next class. However, I had to keep going to the classes because the tuition fee was already paid for the whole semester. Thus I had no choice but to go to lessons next week, the week after that, the week after that. Without realizing it, I fell in love with this sport called Artistic Swimming. 

        At some point, I learned not only swimming but also skills one by one, and I started to like Artistic Swimming more and more. One day, I even felt like the practices were so special to me. It had been a year since I started swimming when the coach asked me if I wanted to go up to the athletes’ class, of course I was so happy to join the team shouting for joy in my mind. However, my mother, who swam as an athlete when she was young, wanted me to continue to swim just for fun instead of taking it seriously. She knew that I had to keep going to competitions throughout the season and work out on every weekday as well as on weekends. I insisted that I wanted to be an athlete because I already fell in love with this sport.

        Artistic Swimming is so sensitive and difficult that most of my friends quit over time. When I was 10 years old, I moved to the biggest club in Korea, and the practices were painful and terrible enough to become a trauma. Every single day was a pain. It was alright that the intensity of the exercise level was high, but it was so terrible because the head coach insulted me everyday. She poured out bad words at me, and pinched, or poked me with long sticks whenever she didn’t like the way I performed in the pool. When I was with the coach, I felt like a prey upon a predator.

        After training for two years in that swimming club, I moved to a club opened by sisters, who were the best duet swimmers in Korea and reached the Olympic finals. They taught me so passionately that I felt so lucky to be in their club. However, my solo competition scores were always in the middle of not being very good and not being bad.

        Whenever I was training with the coaches, I practiced really hard every single day. The coaches really cared about me. I wanted to do everything I was told to do. I went to personal training lessons, gymnastic lessons, and private swimming lessons. The work outs were extremely hard but I still loved having good feelings such as happiness and accomplishment. I felt alive when I trained for long hours in the pool. Nevertheless, I was always stressed out because my skills did not improve as expected and the results of the competitions were not satisfactory.

        I had been selected for a junior national team since I was 14 years old, and I had to be away from home to join camp training every vacation. One of the biggest competitions we participated in was FINA Youth World Championship 2019 held in Slovenia. It was my third international competition, and it was the biggest competition ever for me. I was lucky to be a member of the team of eight and duet with a partner. However, I was so shocked there because my individual scores were right in the middle again. “I am only this much, why am I only this much? Am I no longer in this field?” I thought.

        Ironically, I was finally selected to be a member of the national team the following year. It had always been my dream to participate in an Olympic Game as a member of the national team and it was my first step to make my longtime dream come true.

        However, at that time, Covid 19 began, and the national athletes' training camp was locked down. We were told to do the training on our own. The schools were locked down as well. My club coaches didn’t want me to waste any time so I had to practice from morning on no school days. Sometimes I went to a swimming pool in the morning, personal training after lunch, and then to the swimming pool again at night. I was so grateful that the coach cared about me more and wanted to train me more, but despite being grateful, I felt a lot of pressure and stress. It got worse and eventually, I lived like a sick chicken everyday. During the Covid 19, we could choose between school hours in the classrooms and homeschool for a short period of time. My coach and mom told me to go to practice after completing homeworks at home, but I wanted to go to school and live like a normal student. I had been full of desire to join the athletes’ camp training after the Covid19 situation improved, but it gradually got out of my mind.

        One day, when there was no practice, my coach instructed me to do some sets of  exercises at home, and I was going to do it after running. However, after I ran, my stomach hurt so much and I even had a fever. Still, I did the exercise that the coach told me to do and sent the video clip to her, but she was very angry with me because I didn't do it properly. I was overwhelmed at that moment and I started having a huge conflict within myself. Eventually I told my coach that I was sick, but I was so upset and tired of it. Furthermore, my club merged with my previous club, and I had to practice with the previous head coach again.    

        I pretended to be okay when I was face to face with her, but honestly, whenever I saw her, my heart began to beat so fast that I wanted to just run away from her. She didn’t insult me then, but kept comparing me to a teammate, who was always a champion. I pretended it was okay, but as soon as I got in the car, I bursted out crying with sadness, and irritation. Looking back at that moment, I had so much anger piled up in me.

        As days passed by, I couldn't control my emotions and I even regretted my life. I didn't want to wake up because of the pressure and stress of going to practice again, and I didn't want to sleep at night because I didn't want this situation to repeat the next day. I couldn't feel the positive emotions I got after practices anymore, which led me to love this sport, and I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to continue swimming anymore.

        In the meantime, I studied hard for long hours during the exam period, but it was so fun and interesting, and I seriously considered my career path again. Every day I told my parents how I felt. However, it was hurtful not only for my mom and dad but also for the coaches of the team that I hated and wanted to quit Artistic Swimming, which was my longtime dream and only. Even though my coach advised, and  persuaded me, I didn't waver. Even when my mother was in tears, at first I had been so sorry for my mother but a little bit later I was so determined like a pine tree that I couldn't feel sorry anymore. That's how I ended my seven years of swimming and decided to find another dream. Thankfully, as soon as I quit swimming, I found out that my parents were still by my side to support me and were proud of me.      

            Almost all Korean students normally go to the private educational institute after school. I never had a chance to go because of the practices, but I then started. From then on, I burned up my studies. I had to struggle with my academic work to fill in a lot of missing parts. I was so happy that I could spend my after school hours with my peers as I had always been jealous and sad like I was left alone in this world when my friends went to the private educational institutes together after school.

        After a few months, I started to take art college prep academy classes. My sister is majoring in art, and she influenced me. I liked drawing since I was young, and I took the classes because I thought it would be good to go to art college. It was so much fun and my friends and teachers were so great that I took the art lessons at the art college prep academy with satisfaction. However, after studying art for three months, I felt like I was losing my identity. I felt something was unstable and missing. 

        It was the Tokyo Olympics 2021 season, and seeing the athletes at the Olympics, my heart beated with passion again, and I missed the joy that I could only feel as a competing athlete. In fact, it may be that I didn't realize that I had completely stopped practicing. A part of my heart was always empty, but I couldn't tell my parents. As time went by, anxiety grew, and a strong desire to swim again built up and I became more and more desperate.

        I was so embarrassed, I didn't understand why I felt like this, and it was weird to wish only then what I hated a year ago. Whenever I wanted to practice, I felt guilty and regretful. I was scared to tell my parents as if I were going into a fire pit. 

 Therefore, I told my situation, my true feelings, and my thoughts to some of my friends that I really trust and like. My friends advised me that I should focus on what I just began doing, art, but they still wanted me to do what I wanted. My friends gave me tremendous support and I gained more courage. I really plucked up my courage and told my parents with my eyes closed tightly. My dad told me to think more about myself, looking back on myself a year ago. My mother was dumbfounded and didn't believe it. He and she looked furious. To be honest, it was so scary.

        For about a week, the atmosphere of my home was as cold as ice and it was a cold war. However, my parents eventually followed my will. Thankfully, they paved the way for which way I should go and made me do what I wanted to do, and trusted me. What I felt at that time was that my parents were always on my side. I was so grateful, and I vowed to take responsibility for it unconditionally. Other than my parents, there were many people who supported me more than I expected. I was very encouraged. 

       To be honest, not practicing as an athlete for a full year is a huge weakness and a huge impact on one’s career. I knew that it was going to be tough but I still didn't want to give up my dream of participating in an Olympic Game as a national team member because of only one year. I tried very hard, not because I was instructed to do so, but I did all the exercises purely by my will. I also felt that I have changed, and at least I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I was really frustrated and physically exhausted for 3 months after going back into the water. I practiced a lot to quickly identify my weaknesses and restore them to their original state. 

       One of those days, my parents suggested an unexpected suggestion of moving to the United States. My dad owns a company in the U.S, so my family could choose to live in the U.S. As there are more opportunities to compete in national competitions as well as the collegiates in the States, we came to a conclusion that we didn’t have any reason not to move. I could study and exercise in a better environment. 

        Now I am here in the United States of America. Everything I get to do, and everyone I get to meet is unfamiliar and, having to speak and understand my second language all the time is challenging. However, whenever I imagine my future, I get positive energy, and feel that everything will be possible if I endure this hard time.

Anyway, there were several exits until this day, and there might be more on the way, but my dream remains, and will remain the same!