Halloween was the week before, I was dressed in red, white, and black. We were all together, thinking only about how much candy I would get. We finished all the houses on the blocks close to one of my cousin's homes and walked back. Everyone was eagerly throwing their candy on the floor ready to start trading when he asked me for a full-size Twix and my answer was ¨no.¨ We had gotten so many full sizes that year. I should've given it to him at that moment, and then I felt regret seeping in. I never knew the last time I would see him would be on one of my favorite holidays. We arrived home and I said ¨I love you,¨ and fell asleep. It was the last thing I got to say. No one thought much of it, nothing was supposed to happen, and he was healthy. I never went a full week without seeing everyone at my dads house, unless I was on a trip, but things came up that week. Everything was different that week.

The 21-minute drive felt like forever. We almost accepted that he was gone, but I didn't want to. It wasn't supposed to happen, nothing was wrong with him. I just wanted time to slow down, and then stop. I needed more time to process everything. I wanted to know how everything happened, I wanted to know what he did that day before it happened, I needed to know that it wasn't painful and that he was peaceful. I was shocked and so sad, I never thought it would happen to me, this little 5th grader from a small town where everyone knew her dad. She never thought she would be losing him on a random Wednesday in November. 

Your heart just stopped working. We arrived home and I wasn't allowed to go in. There I was sitting in his favorite place knowing my best friend was gone. I had to keep living my life to the fullest, I needed to for him, and my family. After something like that happens the only thing a person can do is think. Think about what he's going to miss, and what he got to see. But also think about how everything worked out. That Wednesday he was supposed to get the tires changed on his vehicle, but he was worried that he wouldn't be back in time. So he asked Grandma to pick me up that morning when he saw her. Imagine my grandma wasn't going to be there to pick me up, the school would've called him, and they wouldn't have gotten an answer. I never did get my goodbye.

The funeral was coming up within that week, and I wanted to help make the plans. I choose certain things on the pamphlets that people get handed at a funeral, and I put little things in the obituary. I wasn't forced to do any of those. I could have stayed at my grandma's and played with my cousins, but to me, it felt right to be there helping. I chose to speak at the funeral and it made me feel good talking about stories between me and him. I liked making people laugh with certain things I had said, but it was also comforting to see the reactions of people who cared so deeply about him, and me. We got the call before the funeral about his autopsy, and it said that his heart was just too big, everyone said that he just loved us all too much, I liked hearing that. He got to leave us all in peace and not in pain. They said he only felt tired. That gave me peace and comfort.

My life went on after that November, although it felt slow and different, and I wished I had given him that Twix because it was only one Twix. He would've gotten me another one at the store if I asked. I grew from the experience, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I met amazing people through it, and I learned so much about my dad. I have accepted that he won't be here on any more of my milestones like graduating and getting married. But instead of always focusing on what he won't be here for I choose to focus on what he was. It felt like I got to grow up with him, and had him longer than anyone else did. I find comfort in that, in the sense that I got so much time with my amazing dad, Ryan.