When I was young my backyard was my sanctuary, my place of joy, home for my creativity to soar. When the summer moon started falling on the sun, my sanctuary became damp and dark, followed by the cicadas and fireflies. One by one the lights flickered on and off like a fall thunderstorm. My brother and I would run into the bright blue house, leaving to get glass jars my father always had to help us pry open. One by one those lights would soon begin to flicker inside my jar, safe and away stored in my heart.

You never consider a chain store such as Ross that my Mexican mother loved to visit every week to be the home of a rekindled friendship. Walking down the shoe aisle was my favorite thing. I was always bigger than my mother, my feet, my height so when I got an opportunity to put on heels at the “Ross' ' limited   shoe rack for size 8 1 ⁄ 2,  it brought me joy to know I was just like my mommy. Walking down the size 11 wall rack my mother’s words became softened with greetings to an unknown stranger. I learned this stranger with dark brown hair and composed herself well  also had two girls around my age “se recuerdan de Zian '' a glare from small brown eyes came from across the hall pierced through me came from the smaller sister yatsi. A gentle glance came from Yosi Her eldest daughter. She held herself like her mother, She was around my height and when she spoke all i could hear was melodies. I was told I met Yosi around the time I was 4, I don't recall the first interaction with her, but I was told we played a lot and went over to each other's houses because our parents were friends. I do remember Her house was only identifiable by the bright, tall, and yellow sign that had a direction arrow standing at the end of the connecting street. 

In 2019 when I was in 10th grade and she had recently graduated, Yosi, Yatsi and I would watch many movies that I had never even thought of watching. Harry Potter, Phantom of the opera and she even had me listening to musicals.  She was a beautiful, helpful, and truly kind soul. I cannot thank her enough for the way she treated me. Like a sister, She held me 

under her wing and just like Yats,i I became part of their sisterhood. I had always craved a loving older sister, I would always see how she cared for hers and I longed for it. 

On new years eve my mother had let me know that she was in the hospital. Bri and I decided to call to let her know that we were with her. “What a great way to start the year” she let out a giggle and I told her it was probably gas, How I wish it was. When I visited her in the hospital for the first time she was in the cold environment that filled her room. Her mother no longer composed instead dread filled her face as she pondered what was happening to her daughter. When I spoke to her she was on her right side and cradled because she was in pain. I let out a tear and I grabbed her hand while I sat with her and we both cried. I knew it from the start, She had cancer, stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The whole month of January I dreaded a call from anybody. Bri, my cousin who also knew yosi had called me in the middle of class and was texting me frantically but she wasn't telling me why. I picked up my phone and all i heard was “ they told us she has 24 Hours” Getting through class was a nightmare and when I got out I went straight to the hospital. I tried to be strong for her and not show her my fear, I was weak but for her I would be strong. She was very tired and she just sat there making crafts because everybody knew she was going to die. She is probably the strongest person I have ever and will ever meet. She didn't cry once when we all said our goodbyes. Me and her sister sang to her “You belong with me” by Taylor Swift and all she could do was look at us.

Feb 12, 2024 The day I lost my god sister, I was in the third period when I felt a buzz hit my leg. “From mom”

“Zian paso por ti a la escuela, voy a hablar te veo en la entrada”

“Que paso?”

“Ya Paso, Te veo ahi”

My heart started to pound the tears welled up in my eyes and all I could do was say “I need to step out” As the sobs continued I made my way into the bathroom where my teacher Mrs. S was. Phone in my hand I called bri asking if she knew. I don’t remember a lot of that short span of 5 the minutes but when I walked down to the office it was

the longest walk I ever had to take. My mother came in crying while holding her phone and I could see it in her eyes this wasn’t a mistake. Her home is around a 30 min drive so when we pulled up I was exhausted from this mental battle. Her driveway was the same as it had always been so when I walked up I expected to see her there. The feeling of someone is something natural to you, seeing someone smile but when I saw her lying there on the couch I didn’t feel her. 

On the 18th of February, the service was held in Naperville. Seeing her casket there was probably one of the hardest things I had tried to stay away from. Her laugh, and the jingles of the countless Pandora charm bracelets she had on echoed in my mind.

When seeing someone in an open casket you have seen every day for the past year, then those sweet memories feel puzzling when someone you thought was going to see you graduate and live your life is suddenly gone. The week leading up to the funeral I sobbed in the car hoping for all of this to be a mistake. Little songs we had sung together would play on my playlist making my vision become blurry and my throat would swell up holding back the tears.  When we would drive up to where she worked I could imagine her welcome, my mothers eyes became too well and all I could think about is How could such a wonderful person be gone?

“God takes the ones he believed lived a good life, she is no longer in pain and when god resurrects the dead we will see her again” 

The pastor had a way with his words that I think comforted everyone.

When the fireflies left in the morning sun so did the little ones in my jar. Holding on to someone so dear is a very human thing and makes us who we are. The people who come in and out of your journey give you experiences that you will never forget. So as those little fireflies helped me prepare my big heart for sorrow, I don’t think they did a good job because holding onto the jar a little tighter will keep her memories alive. One day I hope to tell her little brother all about her and how amazing she was because he will never get to know her or experience the love she still had to give. I love you yosi