I sat on a bench next to a guy who had a suit on and an unmotivated face. The droop of his shoulders, worn-out shoes, and bags under their eyes, somehow felt like he was insinuating my future self. I heard the harmony of car beeps and people’s footsteps; the sound of Monday morning was exceptionally unpleasant in a way that got under my skin. I had five minutes for the bus to come. I zoned out while waiting for the bus and got lost in thought. I could not think of anything but the internship because I thought of this experience as the huge first step to the “real world,” where I can’t act like a teenager but more like a mature individual.

 Korea’s social structure, the “real world,” is based on a strict hierarchy in a work setting. I, who have never experienced a world outside of school, had many concerns. I had to ensure everyone liked me or, at least, did not dislike me. One thing I prioritized in my mind was to remain silent, with the exception of greeting people or answering questions. 

I went through every possible scenario that could happen to me during the internship while sitting on the bench, and I started to be concerned about little things. Such as the way I should greet people. Do I follow the formal way and bow my head, or should I go against old fashioned and shake people's hands firmly with confidence? Another concern was how I should socialize with the people in the office. Should I eat alone, or should I eat with people in the office? Overthinking increased my anxiety and lowered my confidence level. What if they don't like my personality? What if they think that I am doing too much for an intern? What if they look down on me because I am a high schooler? 

I almost did not notice the bus arriving because I was too deep in my mind. I saw a person almost getting pushed out of the bus from others shoving each other to get on. I did the same. When the bus door opened, I used my right leg to cut through the sea of people and jammed myself into the space. After securing the position, I stretched my right arm and tried to grab anything possible to hold on and put the rest of my body on the bus. Four people surrounded me and kept squeezing me when the bus stopped or accelerated. I got checked, shoved, and elbowed from various directions. I could smell the odor from their hard labor. When I arrived at the station, a two-minute walk from my workplace, the physical and olfactory interaction I had shared with five unknown people created some intimacy. It made me feel as though I was part of the “real world,” a grown man.

I took a deep breath, made a fake smile, and opened the door. As I opened the door, I saw approximately 15 people in the office, simultaneously staring at me like meerkats as if I had done something I should not have done. While self-conscious about it, a guy from the left side of the office approached me for a salutation and introduced himself on behalf of the personnel department. I bowed, and he took me to the private meeting room in the office. He pulled out the contract paper and thoroughly reviewed it with me as if he were telling me a lesson on what to do whenever I signed a contract. I knew he was being considerate of me, and I appreciated the kindness, but I felt slightly patronized. I believe I am fairly capable of taking care of myself and being responsible for my behavior. The objective of the internship was not only about my personal interest in clothing and the sales process but also about being more independent. For these reasons, I was sensitive to being treated as a child, but I managed to maintain a smile on my face.

I signed a contract and moved to another building, the fourth floor. I got an assigned seat for the next month. The seat was exactly the same as I had imagined. It looked similar to what I saw on the show “The Office.” I introduced myself to the sales group, the team that I had to work for, in a formal way. They seemed busy and did not care about me, which was bitter and a relief at the same time. I assumed this was because of my age, and I knew it was coming. The carelessness continued for the rest of the day, and I realized the cruelty in the real world. I stared at my computer for the entire day, doing absolutely nothing. People have to be competent if they want to be recognized in a group of people, and it was obvious that I did not reach the standard they wanted. 

My motivation to challenge myself had significantly dropped after the first day. It seemed like the team had low expectations of me, so I started my second day at the company indifferently. I greeted people with a smaller smile, went to my seat, and opened my computer just to seem like I was doing something. Nothing happened. Not even a single conversation. I saw the clock, and it was already lunchtime. Everyone started to shut their computers off. The manager sitting next to me started talking to me. “Heesung, are you not coming with us?” As soon as I heard him, I could not resist a genuine smile.