Fat. That is what many people think when they look at themselves in the mirror. In today’s world, it is like a reflex to detect and detest all kinds of imperfections that make each of us unique. With the growing presence of social media, members of society are constantly exposed to “what I eat in a day” videos, fad diets, “no makeup” makeup looks, and influencers with artificial features, making it harder to maintain a rational sense of beauty. While society is surrounded by unrealistic beauty standards that promote toxic eating habits and detrimental body image, it is imperative for individuals to embrace their bodies; after all, there is much more to life than mere appearance. 
I do not remember the exact moment I started to despise my body, but I do remember feeling that way about it ever since I was little. I can trace the beginning of my disgust towards my body to several different things: ballet, swim, and peers. Although I genuinely enjoyed dancing and swimming, the tight and revealing clothing made me extremely self-conscious about my body. In addition, I was regularly surrounded by people who had the long, slim body type that was and still is desired by many today. Whenever I looked at group pictures, I could not help but notice how stocky my body looked compared to those of my friends. And to make things worse, relatives and family friends often commented on my weight, for this is considered to be normal and to be done “out of love” in Korean culture. There are many instances in which I dismissed the fat-shaming remarks and pretended that they did not affect me, but in truth, those words have stuck with me ever since. 
Tired of the criticism and discomfort, I finally took matters into my own hands in June of 2019. I spent most of my free time researching about different diets and weight loss hacks. If you were to look at my search history, you would find a painfully large amount of questions such as “What is the best time to work out?” and “Will I gain weight if I eat after 6pm?” Additionally, I drastically changed my diet by replacing junk foods with whole foods, and I began to cook my own meals because I suspected that my mom’s cooking did not offer optimal nutrition. With so much time and effort put in, I inevitably heard and saw the fruits of my labor. As the number on the scale decreased, the number of compliments I received on my appearance increased. I had never felt so recognized and flattered in my life; this was all I needed to confirm that skinnier meant happier. 
However, slowly but surely, I was undergoing changes that affected more just my outward appearance. For example, recording the weight, brand, and time of consumption of anything I ate in my food diary became a ritual. I would quickly jot down entries like this: “1pm. 82 g 365 Everyday Value Salmon Fillet, 23 g steamed carrots, 15 g baby arugula, 56 g sweet potato, 101 mL Lactaid 2% milk.” That was my lunch on November 22, 2019. 
In addition, fantasies about eating foods I had restricted myself from for months occupied my thoughts, as the human brain fixates on food when it does not get the energy it needs (National Eating Disorders Association). Even while taking tests, such as those I took in Science 8, I daydreamed of eating the most basic, ordinary meals that everyone enjoyed on a daily basis. Not only that, but I would think about the same meal over and over again and always find it entertaining.  
Adding on, it hurt to sit on chairs and to lay in bed because I could feel my bones touching the hard surfaces; I had very little tissue due to my body breaking “down its own tissue to use for fuel” (National Eating Disorders Association). Most nights during this period of my life were spent in the soldier position as it was painful just to toss and turn in bed. Furthermore, I was always cold, regardless of how many layers I wore or how high I raised the temperature, because I did not have enough body fat to insulate my body (Eating Disorder Hope). My classmates often teased me for wearing my long puffer coat throughout the entire day in the heated school building—and even then, I still felt the chills. 
My social life deteriorated as I was easily irritated and often withdrew from social interactions. Just existing drained the little energy I had, and it was too hard to fake a smile every minute, every day. It was evident that my face indicated my fatigue because suddenly “Are you okay?” was the question that I was asked most frequently. To be specific, one of my childhood friends asked me how I was feeling whenever she saw me on the way to our music composition class, which we had every other day, and my orchestra teacher stopped class twice just to ask me if I was alright. Also, I was reluctant to eat in public—if I was willing to eat anything. I believed that consuming no calories was better than consuming any calories. As people say, “beauty is pain,” and I was willing to go through anything in exchange for a smaller me. 
That is, until I realized something. Amidst the uncontrollable fear of gaining weight with every bite; the fleeting sense of accomplishment with every pound lost; and the urgent concern of loved ones, I was still unhappy. It seemed as if I could never be satisfied. I wondered why my life was not as I envisioned it to be, and I was deeply troubled as to why my life was still so miserable despite putting so much effort into achieving my ideal body. I lost so much more than weight, so why was I still discontent? Like any person with easy access to technology, I turned to the internet for answers. 
Anorexia nervosa. That is what the internet pointed me to. I resonated with almost every symptom I read, such as fatigue and amenorrhea, and became aware of the damage I had done to my body (Eating Disorder Foundation, Anxiety and Depression Association of America). Intrigued by a new world of eating disorders, I decided to dedicate my eighth-grade research project to anorexia nervosa. As I came to understand the reasons behind my actions and my body’s reactions, I developed a strong desire to recover.  
The road to recovery was a long and hard one. It was extremely difficult to suppress the urge to weigh my food or to secretly put back food while no one was watching, but I persevered. I critiqued my toxic habits to make them healthy, and I visited a nutritionist who made a meal plan for me. I also took a class on nutrition from Stanford Medicine to gain more insight. Soon, my journey to recovery became a journey to self-acceptance. Four years later, I am still on my journey, and that is okay because it is just that—a journey. There are some days when I fall back and some days when I want to quit, but I keep moving forward. There will never be an end point at which I can say that I have made it because my experience has forever changed my life, but this journey is a never-ending one that has expanded my world and has provided me with peace living in my own body. Specifically, it has made me realize that there is more to life than mere appearance. 
 
 
 
 
Works Cited 
“About Eating Disorders.” Eating Disorder Foundation.Org, eatingdisorderfoundation.org/learn-more/about-eating-disorders/health-consequences/.  
 “Health Consequences.” National Eating Disorders Association, 22 Feb. 2018, www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/health-consequences.  
“Long-Term and Short-Term Consequences of Anorexia.” Eating Disorder Hope, 6 Apr. 2023, www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia/long-short-term-consequences.  
“Types of Eating Disorders.” Types of Eating Disorders | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, adaa.org/eating-disorders/types-of-eating-disorders.