On my sixth birthday, I squealed with joy as I looked into the fingerprint-filled handheld mirror and saw my freshly pierced ears with the most beautiful gold shiny hoop earrings. Although my ears stung from the minor pinch of the cheap gun piercing my ears with a dull needle, my mind was buzzing with excitement for the new beauty I possessed. For the first time in my very long six years of life did I find myself absolutely, undeniably, breathtakingly gorgeous? At that moment in time, I had no idea the effect these circular shiny little earrings would have on me. I had no idea the mask they would be for me, the thing that made me feel the most enough in a life full of feeling not enough. From that day forward as I crawled out of my warm bed I would be sticking these earrings into my ear just to remember that feeling at that very moment on that very day. 

These funny little shiny stupid earrings followed me all throughout my childhood. One time in particular that these small but beautiful earrings had a really memorable effect on me was when they happened to get stuck on a blanket, a really fluffy one actually. I remember it like the back of my hand, baby blue and the smell. Gosh does that smell bring me back. It was a mixture of Downy laundry detergent and unfortunately leftover Mexican food. My ear was bleeding from my earring getting caught and ripped on the blanket. In response to the pain I was screaming for help but yet my screams were muffled and quieted. I felt like I couldn’t scream, like I had a pillow shoved down my throat to stop the yelps from escaping. Although I didn’t realize it at the time my yelps of pure horror weren’t only just because of my wounded little ear. I actually remember thinking that's why I was scared because of my ear bleeding right? That's why I was scared, not because of anything else. Not because I told him to stop. Not because it hurt and my stomach felt like it was going to come out of my mouth. Not because he was saying to stop crying and be quiet. Not because he told me just to stay still and that this was normal. Not because I thought that what if someone comes in? What if he never stops? Not because his eyes were piercing me with a death stare that reminded me of how little control I had. Not because when I looked at him all I saw was a body, no heart, no soul, nothing more than a figure. But I reassured myself I was crying because of my wounded little ear and my silly little gold hoop getting caught. That's exactly why I have this debilitating feeling of wanting to disappear because of my painful silly gold hoop earrings getting caught on a silly stupid little blanket. Right. 

These hoops alongside my being disappeared for a while. I put both my soul and these hoops in my beautiful shiny mirror jewelry box which was placed right next to my nutcracker from my recent dance performance as a ballerina. I didn’t want to look these hoops in the eyes and see the damage they had done. I didn’t even want to think about the pain so I chose to keep them in this drawer until my ear healed. I wanted to shut him out. Until it stopped hurting to the touch, until it stopped making me want to die thinking about it until it finally soaked in and I could actually understand what had happened. I wanted to shut him out. Well, that didn’t happen until ten years later. Finally, I was able to look him in the eyes, understand what actually happened, and open that drawer. Ten years later when I decided to open that small mirrored drawer I wasn’t met with pain instead I was met with power. I decided right then and there, when I clasped that backing of the most beautiful gold shinny hoop earring I truly understood the new beauty I possessed. I decided that these hoops wouldn’t be a thing that made me numb or empty, they would be the thing that reminded me every day of how absolutely, undeniably, breathtakingly strong I am.