In the Beginning, You and I

Claire Walker

Dedication

These Vignettes are dedicated to my boyfriend, Anthony.

Inspiration, affection, and connection: there is no doubt in my mind that I have found a keeper. Thank you for loving me, with all my quirks and flaws. Thank you for sticking with me, and showing me things I never realized I could have. Thank you for being yourself with me and sharing with me all that you have. You have changed my life for the better, and know that I will always love you.

Happy Valentines Day,

Your’s truly: Claire.

Tuesday, October 4th, 2022

Week of Homecoming

Fellow students of all kinds sat in the bleachers around me. A pointless pep-rally was presented on the tan and polished gym floor, as certain groups went down for recognition, and then the cheerleaders doing their routines. The chatter of other students not caring and the large cool gray walls of the gym made sure that you had to either be close or scream to hear who you were sitting next to. The light, bright and positive, shone through all of the windows scattered around the gym. The florecants filled in the gaps.

I was trying to be polite and watch the efforts on the gym floor, making somewhat of a pointless conversation to my friend next to me. A buzz came from my purse. I pulled out my phone and looked at the screen. A text from my brother displayed in front of my prom picture from last year. It read, “Turn around.” I turned to try and find where the tall, thick, man with long, dark, curling hair sat on the bleachers. I turned another way and caught sight of him in his usual hat-backwards (it was the only way it fit his head) and black hoodie attire.

I shrugged a ‘what’ to him, and he pointed at some boy who was looking down, and his vibrant brown hair hid his face. Colton, my brother, pointed at him before tapping back on his phone. I looked down to see what he would send me. Then appeared: “Take him to homecoming.” I looked back to see Anthony make eye contact with me, then look away. He watched our rehearsal yesterday. He’s a friend of one of the actors. Why would Colton ask that? Is Colton trying to set me up?

All of the plans I was currently trying to execute surfaced in my mind. I had planned on trying to take Ryan to homecoming as he had been cast as Jack for Disney’s Newsies Jr, and I Katherine. I thought that the acting would go smoothly if we became better friends. As much as I was trying to stray away from romance my senior year of high school, I didn’t mind the idea of something going somewhere with Ryan eventually. I felt some frustration at my brother’s attempts to ruin the idea I had yet to do. I typed little bits of decline into my phone as I felt my mood sour with annoyance.

“He likes megamind,” popped up on my screen. A flutter of interest sparked in me at that sentence. Someone else who likes my favorite movie enough for my brother to mention it? Currently I did happen to be without a date and a backup plan is never a bad idea. He still has to talk to me himself; I’m not going to just be set up with someone. 

“Does he dance?” I curiously poked into the plastic-covered glass. This information happened to be crucial to the date as the memory of the smoky haze of the old gym flashed into my mind. Spinning around on the dance floor with a friend had made that night magical. The exhilaration from the barefoot spinning on that deep blue mat, the colored lights dancing around the dark room, the sound so blared that it would give me a headache. All of that was another memory I couldn’t miss out on.

“Yes,” appeared in that dark gray in response. I thought about it for a second, then returned to my previous resolve. 

“Idk,” I decided, “We’ll see.” I wasn’t about to cross out my idea for some guy I barely knew. If any guy was going to date me he had to prove that he was interested by some sort of effort. I refuse to date just any guy because I’m bored or he’s bored.

Further attempts to try and get me to agree were pushed through the phone; including money, dressing nice, and my brother giving me his number. I denied all of them thoroughly annoyed and yet somewhat entertained by the idea of the interest. I may never admit it to myself, but something new like this, and someone having a romantic interest in me was exciting. I refused to let it show though, as I shouldn’t be enjoying this really. Colton was practically begging me to take him and I couldn’t fathom as to why.

Looking at it realistically, I’m a senior, and Anthony a sophomore. I’m gone at the end of this year, and he will still be here. Most high school relationships don’t last, so why would there ever be a reason to use that kind of effort? All of the attachment just to meet a painful end seems like a foolish decision. Not to mention the fact that I’m weird, and that fact alone is enough to drive anyone away. I listed such reasons in my phone to my brother. The assembly finished and I practically jumped down the bleachers trying to escape the gymnasium and further unwanted attention from my brother.

My phone buzzed more as my brother begged me to turn around. I typed declines in a thick, flushed frustration. I turned down the hall to my locker and looked behind me to make sure my friend and I had made a successful escape. Relief. I repeated my complaints to my friend as I gathered my things for my next class. The deep purple locker made its hollow and metallic clunk as I closed it. I rose from a crouch from gathering my book and binder from the bottom of the small locker space.

I looked at my friend in the colored lighting of the senior hallway-- an effect created by large sheets of tissue paper taped over the lights for spirit week.

“It’s not going to happen,” I told her. There was no real way it could.

Tuesday, October 4th, 2022

Later That Night

Curiosity killed my persistence. My brother had given Anthony my number after I told him I wouldn’t text him myself. When I had seen the text from Anthony, I avoided it and didn’t discover his text again until I checked my phone later that night. It wasn’t nice to ignore him, and I was done being a little petty over my brother’s pushing on the subject.

“Hey it’s Anthony,” awaited a response on the screen. Considering my brother had told me he probably wouldn’t text me, I was surprised. I comfortably laid down on my bed, my body pointed to the widow showing signs of night through the blinds. The comfort of the mattress cradled my body as it tingled with the excitement of a possible beginning. The curiosity and excitement for this conversation hummed through my veins.

Be yourself, that was my goal if this was ever to go somewhere. If he couldn’t handle me then it wasn’t meant to be.

“Dang. Was not expecting that,” I thumbed into the electronic keypad. My typing was silent, as I’m not the type to pound on the phone. Seconds pass by, then minutes as my excitement begins to fade. Well, I deserve as much. I hadn’t responded exactly when he texted me; why should I receive an immediate response? I tried to push the idea of a rejection far from my mind. It wasn’t rejection, even though it slightly stung with the idea of such.

I gave up shortly after and turned to the internet to pass time. That’s when the notification popped up on the top of the screen of his reply. I clicked on it instantly, taking my screen from the video to the text message view.

“Expecting what?” he had written. I had to reread my previous message to collect the context. 

“You texting me. I was told by two people that it wasn’t likely to happen,” I tapped into my screen. I felt a lot calmer than I had with any of my previous interests. It was nice, comfortable. I didn’t feel like I would shake with the adrenaline and excitement, although I was excited about this conversation. That little bubble with those three, pulsing dots appeared on screen-he was writing back. 

“Well I’d say I’m full of surprises but that’s a bit cheesy.” I felt myself smile as I read. Not one of a cute, giddy high, or of a deep, great catch, I smiled genuinely and somewhat charmed. I wouldn’t mind if he was cheesy at all; knowing me I probably liked that stuff.

“Eh, honestly can’t say that I mind all that much. I like stuff like that because it’s easy I suppose, and truth be told it would be surprises bc I don’t know you,” I replied. There was some of me that didn’t want to scare him away, but I beat that part back. This is me, and he deserves to meet all of my crazy and weird. Better he sees that he won’t be able to handle it now rather than when the feelings are deeper and it will hurt more.

He never was any sort of rude as the conversation continued, and he certainly didn’t seem to be disgusted by the quirks I presented. I went with the tactic I knew I should and was vulnerable. I was answered with genuine conversation. I had never had something like this before with any of my other interests; this was totally new.

“Ah well I don’t care a whole lot about someone’s popularity. I just knew someone named Claire had a great taste in movies.” I beamed as I read his message. Most of before had been small talk about my and his relation to my brother, and other things dealing with how he heard of me. This topic however was one I could gush about for hours on end. We both knew he was referring to Megamind. From gushing about how good a movie it was, we turned to our favorite characters, his was Hal.

“He’s so goofy and says such out of pocket things. It’s either him or MEGAMIND,” he wrote. Megamind in all capital letters was a result of the wonderful invention of auto correct.

“I LOVE MEGAMIND,” I announced back, any fear of too much expression gone. Passion flew from my fingers into the screen. We talked for a little bit more on such a great subject. We then moved to The Button of Doom, a spinoff episode to the movie.

“”Do you feel the taunting power of my eyebrow?” I openly laughed at that part!” I told him, smiling as I remembered that line.

“”How dare you brow me!”” he replied with an intention that took me a minute to find. I replied with “Lol” automatically, but pondered for a minute on why he would say that. Then I realized he had quoted it back to me, just like I had before. I laughed a little harder as something undeniable rose in my chest. It rose into my face and screamed in my veins. I like him. Wow, real typical of you Claire; all he had to do was quote Megamind back to you.

The next thing that washed through me in that moment was panic. Claire, what are you doing? You’re a senior; you’re leaving this year and he’s a sophomore. What about not having another relationship in high school because there was no way you were going to find your guy in Kearney? What happens when it’s three hours of distance between you and him?

And then, as if to make matters worse for me, he moved to compliment me on my acting from the rehearsal. He had watched me on a day I was stressed and looking unfriendly, and here he went complimenting me on my talent and passion. I was doomed in that moment: doomed to the fate of falling in love with him.

October 14, 2022

Surprise

“Ready?” I asked him, anxious for the moment to come. 

“Sure,” he nodded, clueless as to what I had planned for him. I opened my door and felt the cool wind hit me. I barely took note of it due to the adrenaline pumping through me. I went to my trunk, opening the door to raise above my head. Finding the speaker I turned it on.

“I know you wanted to slow dance with me at homecoming and never got the chance,” I smiled, opening my phone. The sour memory of the disgusting rap music blared so loud that when I left the gym it felt like I had a bubble around my head flashed momentarily in my mind. We had left the dance early, tired of the DJ’s song choice. I clicked on the ‘Slow Dance’ playlist I had made; the speaker began to produce those beginning harmonic notes of At Last by Etta James.

“So, here’s your chance now,” I smiled at him as I turned up the volume on the speaker. My heart ran a marathon in my chest. He had a look of disbelief in his eyes, as if this couldn’t actually be happening. I smiled, humored, as he didn’t move. He gulped, and then accepted my hand as I reached for his.

I pulled him out, away from my open trunk, and to the middle of a parking area behind Dogwood’s playground. We both awkwardly fumbled with our hand arrangements and who would lead. I asked where I should put what, and he struggled just as much as I did. The streetlight painted orange all over our scene, and the music provided the sway in the air that we failed to put into motion.

After a minute of fumbling, we found what we were comfortable with. Our hands interlocked, and after moving his other hand to my waist, we found that sway. It took my breath away, and I felt a giddy high run through my core. This was more than I could have ever hoped for. The twilight of the sky, and the few stars peering at us from the deep blue only added to the intimacy of the moment. We swayed for several minutes to the music.

He had been shaking and blamed it on the cold. It didn’t ease up however, and kept in a rhythm that finally made my concern enough for us to stop the sweet swaying motion.

“Okay, you’re shaking really bad. Are you okay?” I prodded, too concerned about his well being to continue. He looked away for a moment as if trying to make up an excuse, then dipped his head in a sort of defeat.

“Mostly nervous,” he admitted. He is too sweet. I offered a warm smile.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s normal. This is our first time doing this,” I reassured him, and he had that embarrassed smile and laugh you do when you can’t help it. “Do you need a hug?” I asked him. He nodded with an almost inaudible “yeah.” I pulled his chest to mine and securely wrapped my arms around him. He is too adorable.

“There’s no reason to be nervous or scared,” I comforted. His arms wrapped around me warmly as his head dipped down to hide in my shoulder.

“I’m so happy I met you, Claire,” he proclaimed into my shoulder. My world spun for a long minute as I was entranced by how he said it. He had spoken those words as if I was the best thing to ever happen to him in his life. I couldn’t breathe for a moment as I tried to contain the feeling of wholeness that was consuming me. I mattered that much to him.

Instinctively I let out an “aw” before beaming “I’m happy I met you too.” I could stay like this forever: engulfed by his affection and arms. Even with the cold that refused to be noticed thanks to my adrenaline, and the darkening twilight sky, not a bone in my body wanted this moment to end. The heavenly sound of the slow songs playing didn’t help much either. 

And then he pulled away, so I did too. I couldn’t help smiling at him.

“Good?” I asked, offering my hand again. 

He took it, “Good.” He pulled me closer to him and we resumed the swaying. As the spinning and swaying continued with the temperature continuing to drop, we gradually continued to get closer to each other. He began to spin me around, finding a little more confidence and comfortability in the situation. This was all too much, but in a good way. His shivers had calmed down.

“Want to try a dip?” he breathed, our rhythm slightly faltering after he pulled me out of a spin. I felt a spike of fear run through me. I had been afraid of looking into his eyes for too long, in fear that it would invite a kiss. I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I argued with myself, considering the scenery and the situation, it would be perfect.

“Sure,” I agreed, open to the idea of an attempt. After a spin, he was suspending me in the air. There his face was above mine. It felt like time stopped. I could taste the suspense in the air. I saw the look in his eyes. But my gut told me it wasn’t right yet. I turned my head away, somewhat embarrassed and flustered. We remained there for a moment longer as he seemed to hold on to the moment.

Then he pulled me up and back into the swaying motion. We continued to get closer, and soon his forehead was resting on mine. My heart burned with the intimacy of the touch. This was all I could ever need. The world could have ended right there and I would have been fine with it. He’s all I could ever want, ever need, for forever.

December 10, 2022

The Right Love

I sat there huddled up to him. The black leather of his couch surrounded us. The light of Stranger Things on the TV in front of us being the only thing illuminating the room. It bore no competition to the matter that was currently weighing on me. That test had been a pain. I was fighting off being tired, and denying being upset that my mother was some sort of upset with me.

Here I was safe: his arm wrapped around me, his presence distracting me, and his smell pleasing me. My mother’s disappointment gnawed at me. It left me a little restless in my mind. It lingered in the back, awaiting for me to acknowledge it and strike. The pain that had accompanied it waited patiently to surface again.

But he listened to me as I complained about that test and not finishing that writing section, and then the topic of my mother making its comeback. I trusted him too much to not talk about what was weighing on my chest. 

“She sounded so disappointed,” I began somberly. His presence wasn’t a shield from the pain, it was an invitation. A lure for it all to come tumbling out of me, and then to squash it before it could hurt me more. 

“I don’t like taking coffee with my pill because they both speed up my heart,” I explained. I would have been restless during that whole test if I had both. “But I just,” I paused trying to find the right words. I’m not good enough? I’ll never fit her standards? I can’t make her happy? I felt a painful lump making itself clear in my throat: the tell-tale sign I was fighting tears.

“I just wanted to prove that I could do good enough without the pill,” I started. I wanted to show her that I could be smart without it. I wanted to prove that I didn’t need a crutch to be great. I wanted to be enough without taking some medication. And as much as I knew that the idea was far from the truth, it still felt like it.

“I wish I could be enough for her without taking some stupid pill,” I cried, as I turned my frame more into his. I bowed my head to his shoulder as I felt my eyes well up with tears. He was there immediately; his head turned, and he pulled me closer to him. Through that pain I realized I had been afraid of making her mad. I had thought that the fear was all over; that there was nothing wrong. I was wrong.

“You’re good enough for me,” he spoke softly, and I crumbled. A tear rolled down my cheek as he hugged me. The pain was eased as he said that, but in the weirdest way. I had never experienced something like this in my life: a love so great that I felt heard and accepted for who I was. Maybe God gave me Anthony to show me a love I couldn’t comprehend I already had.

“Thank you,” I shakily breathed as I wrapped my arms around him in a hug. I needed this, I needed him. My bit of healthy away from all the crazy and others I had to be someone else around to make them happy. People I had to listen to because I never seemed to meet their expectations. Anthony never had those for me; he loved me just the way I was- on or off ADHD medication.

I thought back to that Dear John poem. You broke me. I’m broken, Anthony broke me, and it’s not because of the pain. I will never be able to love another. Especially not as much, or even in comparison to how I love Anthony now. I will never be able to love another man; Anthony has all my heart.

“I love you,” I recover, kissing his cheek. I’m beginning to come around from the pain, and I look at him as I rub the tears away from my cheeks. He looks at me, checking me over, and then he smiles with a look of love.

“I love you too,” he answers, pleased.