I’m sitting in my room, I have a to-do list complete with the due dates of assignments and underlined which need to be finished before I can move on to the next.

I’m sitting in my room and I think 

an apple would be really good to help me focus.

I’m standing in my kitchen with my oversized pants dragging along the tile. I’m standing in my kitchen peeling an apple and cutting it up, so I can focus. I’m sitting in my room with my apple and my computer. I’m sitting in my room wondering why my down draft isn't finished and why this room is so unbearably hot. I’m sitting in my room with the half-eaten apple and the document for my downdraft open in front of me. I’m staring at my downdraft wondering why it hasn't been completed in 2 days. I’m sitting in my room with my empty apple bowl, in my unbearably hot room consuming my flesh. I’m sitting in my room incapable of writing a single word. 

How did that one episode of Gilmore Girls end? 

I’m sitting in my room with the 6th season and the 22nd episode of Gilmore Girls playing on my laptop on Netflix. 

Why does this room seem smaller? 

I’m sitting in my room with the pillow case I haven't put on my pillow yet brushing against my jeans, and the comforter on my left leg while I awkwardly sit on my half-made bed. 

Maybe I should open a window? Why is my downdraft still not done? 

I’m sitting in my room. My parents are at dinner, they should have brought me with them. I ask google to start  a 30-minute timer, that should help me finish my deadline. I’m sitting in my room with a bright screen as the sun goes down in the window of my living room. 

I’m standing in the living room watching the sun go down in my window, admiring. Noticing the cracks in my ceiling, on the light blue walls. The sun is going down and the tangerine lighting is hitting the couch and dust particles in the air perfectly. I’m sitting on the couch in my living room noticing how the curtains move when a gust of wind flies through the screen in the window. How they distort perfectly. How the windchimes on the porch fall to silence as the sun falls in the distance and the wind ceases to exist and how the curtains fall and how the windchimes are quiet. 

The thirty-minute timer goes off in my room. 

I’m sitting in my room, in a dead silent room, in a dark room. I open my computer and the brightness startles me so I close it. I’m standing in my room with my oversized jeans making contact with the hardwood floors. My hair is in a single braid that falls down my upper spine. My tank top is itchy against my stomach. My socks are making me hot, or is it my pants? I’m standing in my room looking at myself in the mirror across my bed and above my table with my jewelry. I’m standing in my room staring at myself. Why isn't my downdraft finished? Why aren't my 7 other missing assignments completed yet? Why can’t I focus on my stupid homework? Am I stupid? Maybe I am, maybe I just can’t focus. That’s it I just can’t focus, I’m not stupid, I can’t be stupid. Maybe I just can't finish this stupid assignment that's it, that's the problem, it’s never been me. It’s never been the fact that I can’t do these assignments it's the fact that I don't want to do these stupid assignments, they aren't stupid, everything is stupid, this room is stupid these pants are stupid. Growing up is stupid. Why can’t I just stay here or not do anything? Why can't I just stay at this age? Why did the future have to be so close after this long? I waited till the last minute to do this and now it's all catching up to me. All of the lessons, all of the overwhelmingly underwhelming moments like going to the doctors and getting a lollipop. Skinning my knee and being carried into my room. Getting a golden star for speaking in class. And suddenly the down draft is almost irrelevant. How can I focus on a draft when everything is moving so fast.

I need to slow down. I need to breathe. And I need to focus. 

I’m sitting in my room, watching the outside light flicker on, looking at the posters in my room, the messy paint job above my doors, my disorganized shoes under my closet, the fan moving at its fastest pace overhead and the computer with the downdraft laying on my bed.