I have always been the happy, goofy, smiley kid, but the weight of my thoughts has always been there, dragging me down at whatever chance it can get. No one expects the happiest of people to be suffering so much inside their heads. It feels like running through a maze with no exit, each turn leads to a new thought. I get too scared to open up to people because I'm scared of what they might think or say. Everyone always asks me “are you okay?” and every time I reply with the usual “I'm okay” with a big smile on my face and continue with my day. In reality, I can't even put into words what goes on in my head. My mind runs a mile a minute about everything I do every day, overthinking every little thing. It turns into a spiral of depressing experiences throughout my life. No matter how hard I try, I can't escape it.

  Every day feels the same. When I wake up I feel the same as I did the day before. When I go to school, I have a strong desire to fit in, but the feeling of being a burden overpowers it. When I go to practice, I get my heart shattered by my coach who seems to not understand teenage girls' feelings. He's a small man, but when he gets angry, he's taller than a skyscraper, making you feel even smaller than you did before. I then get home and I'm all grouchy and annoyed at the world. Every night I lie in my bed wrapped up in the weight of 5 blankets. My light is turned off, but my LED lights' comforting blue glow lights up the room just enough. I can hear the slight buzzing of my fan in the corner to get rid of the silence but even with the fan, I can only hear my thoughts. I feel the first tear fall from my eye and slide down my face. It hits my pillow and the room is filled with nothing but the sound of my sniffles. It all comes to me at night when I'm alone, thoughts like “I'm not good enough”, “no one likes me”, “why am I no one's first choice”, “why can't I be pretty” flood my brain. I keep myself up at night because I dread going to sleep. I just don't want to wake up the next day and go through the same routine again and again. 

As I sit there overthinking my entire life and future, I feel a soft body rub up against my hand, I look over to see my cat staring at me. She has one black ear and the other one is white, her tummy is white with a black circle in the middle, and she also looks like she is wearing socks. She does her soft little meow and I couldn't help but pet her. She does a little spin and makes herself comfortable on my chest which is covered with her favorite fuzzy blue blanket. I stroke her chin and she starts purring, and the tears running down my face disappear. You would never think that a cat could be so comforting but I love my cat, she is my friend when I feel alone. Without her, I have nothing to look after, but without me, she would be nothing. 

I really don't know how to end a writing about my own thoughts if my thoughts never end. All I can say is that I want it to end. I want someone to help me escape this maze of my thoughts. I want someone to help me find the light at the end of the tunnel. But even with help, I'm just gonna have to live with the weight of my own thoughts for the rest of my life. You can't cure mental illness, you can only help it.