Anxiety, the thing that haunts many and silently sits as it takes over my mind. Everywhere I turn it's still there with me, every decision I make anxiety rethinks it for me. It's a gift that I receive many wouldn't call a great gift. It gives me days that sometimes it's better to lay in bed, in the dark, alone with only myself and my mind. Giving me the feeling of constantly being overwhelmed and having trouble balancing tasks, making me try not to give up. The frequent crying and shaking that comes as it visits again and again. Looking down at my hands, my eyes see bitten nails, and the raw skin that I can't seem to stop peeling. I tell myself and my mind I want to stop and it's not a big deal, but anxiety always says otherwise. 

While living with anxiety, the perfect day is hard for many to find. Every person has a different goal and expectation of events to happen on their perfect day. Many find it to be to roll over to their loved one next to them or spend the day with their kids playing at the park all day. Some will find that even just being happy for a day is enough for them, longing for happiness to come to their feet. For that small amount, many can not have those things. For me, my mind takes over drowning the feelings with constant overthinking. Every aspect and decision comes with fear behind it and the worry that something bad will happen. A simple walk turns into fear of things that aren't even possible. The back of my mind telling me to turn around and just stay home today. I guess I can thank anxiety for that. 

Picturing anxiety is like watching a duck take a swim. As I look out at the pond, the water is calm. Life seems so calm with every animal in the water as still as can be. The water slightly rolls over itself creating a slight ripple in the middle with the bugs tapping the water and flying off creating smaller ones. The frogs croaking louder and louder, as I get close enough they feel disturbed and launch themselves into the calm water. As I'm standing, a duck floats by seeming so majestic and calm, afloat if anything, with no effort and undisturbed, just relaxing on the calm pond. Underneath the water gives off a different story. The duck is paddling faster and faster trying to keep above the water. It swims and swims continuously, never stopping trying to stay above water so as to not drown. That is anxiety for many, the duck effect, seeming as calm as can be but trying their hardest to be okay and stay above that water. 

I wish I could give more advice on how to overcome this battle with anxiety. But unfortunately, I'm still working on it myself. For me and many others, my anxiety pairs with depression, and I have trouble talking about my feelings and myself. Talking out your feelings with a close person you can relate to may help the overall feeling, to get stuff off your chest, but the anxiety is still there. It never disappears. I have fallen into a bad habit myself of sleeping nonstop because the overwhelming feelings and the hardships are all gone. They are put to rest while I'm sleeping, but waking up they are still all there and aren't solved. Not taking care of the smaller problems leads to a build-up of feelings, leading to an attack. To the person that is reading this and can relate, I wish you the best of luck, so as to not let the anxiety beat you. My goal for you, stay one step ahead. 

Although anxiety is a difficult battle, it allows me to be a stronger person from it. I have built my strengths and beat certain circumstances that I never thought I would be able to do before. The older I get and the more time spent with my gift I'm able to outsmart it. Even though I may have to live with this for the rest of my life, I do hope one day it will go away. The weight that it holds on me continues to get lighter as time goes on, as I always try to stay one step ahead.