Growing up

Growing up I had to (( grow up )) faster meaning the pressure was on. From a young age if I did something out of line all eyes are on me. Like the pressure somehow started to expand more and more, but what if (( growing up )) was the only choice I ever had. However, on this specific day/moment, that so-called pressure turned into a burden to not show people. Since that day my father chose his fate & even though he might even say he will always be there for me. Yet I know deep down that’s a lie but throughout the years the only thing that has brought me peace was a car ride.

Realization 

During those car rides, my emotions are vague because when my father left. My thoughts felt like they were going to shatter into a million pieces. Like if I was a window just wanting to break. So I guess the car helped me process all my emotions that I went through that day. Furthermore, the reason why I brought up the car ride, was because for 4 hours I got to relook at all the memories. I had with him to now having to start new ones without that him. After a couple of years those car rides. Helped me realize that my burden/pressure that I put myself through on a daily basis. Is it just me trying to walk away from my fear of not being loved. By the man that walked away from me, and never decided once to come back. That neglected feeling is what started it all, and I’m slowly realizing that I needed that love.

Understanding 

If I had a dream it would be to feel my emotions, because of all the pain and pressure. I still go through and went through. I have taught myself not to feel my emotions or to let them in, or to even let them outside their little bottle. That therein, but six-year-old me would have wanted me to be. A princess…, I know I know it’s not reasonable but hey don’t judge my creativity furthermore. What six years old wants to have this pressure of being good enough for someone who left in the first place. Or for someone who is barely there for you. Or who doesn't know the meaning of love, because after all that I went through I've realized. I had to (( grow up )) for the better good for my sister and for my mother. I had to make sure they were okay even if I had to hide my own feelings. Or if I had to bury them deep down inside of me, but who cares cause I had to (( grow up )) because of him.  

Accepting 

I have figured out after these past 6 years or so is that “there’s always going to be that one person in your life that you never in a million years thought that they were going to hurt you or that they were going to leave but they ended up proving you wrong” yea well now you just have to figure out if there worth really fighting for or not and in my case they were never worth fighting for in the first place.     

Conclusion 

I really do wish someone would have told me how life was going to turn out? Some parts of me do think it was for the greater good. For me to have gone through that experiences because, in the end, I did end up realizing that (( growing up )) I had to go through that pressure of not feeling loved so I could find out for myself what the word love actually meant and the same thing with a car ride I had to realized that is my peace that I was looking for all along alike with him he changed the way I viewed things now and how I think lesser of myself to help thoughts who I care for deeply nevertheless It was never my palace to care for someone who didn’t give even two thoughts of me before leaving thus (( growing up )) was never a chose for me I just had to adapt to it which change for the better and without him, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Which is someone who is thriving even at their darkest place.