My perfectly broken family  

My family has dwindled over the years, not as if they died but as if they were distanced from me. First my mom and dad divorced, growing up without a Dad was hard but I was able to see the good in my situation. I was surrounded by my family, surrounded by people who loved me regardless. Regardless of how I acted, who was in my life, mistakes I make. They were like a potion who could make everything better. Warm welcoming arms that could touch and mend every scar, every scratch, tear down every wall that guarded my heart. It's hard not knowing half of your lineage, what's even harder is watching someone who onced loved, and mended begin to burn and destroy you from the inside out while you're unsuspecting and trusting.

I used to admire my brother. Over time I watched him become a distorted, disgusting image of the good man I once knew.  I went through the reality that when you squint too hard trying to see the good in a picture but soon you give up and learn to cope with your reality. I watched the deep black ink spill and infected what used to be bright white paper. Turning into a soaked mess that no matter how much you tried to clean and blot the ink up, it would never be the same again. It was stained, tainted. He became the very thing I hate most, selfish, taking advantage of vulnerability at will. “It’s going to be ok, it's going to be ok.” No matter how much my beautiful family tried, it still hurt. The ink that spread across him infected my heart. I had my family still, even if it was one member less.

Texas has been my home for six years. I barely remember New York. One of my only distinct memories is the morning we left. That morning changed the entire course of my life. That morning was heartbreaking. There was a mess of tears and long hugs goodbye. I can’t relate to going over to Grandma’s house on the weekend and eating freshly baked cookies. I can’t relate to your cool aunt picking you up early from school and taking you shopping, I want to be a prominent figure for my little cousins. I wish so badly that I could do these things. Sometimes I even wish that morning never happened. A gap in my history that's replaced by happier days.  It's hard to see your family be ripped inside out by a rabid wolf who will not stop for anything, not until there is a hollow carcass of what it once was.

These experiences taught me how to be positive when surrounded by darkness.