My name is Noah. In Hebrew it means Rest. Rest is such a vague term. Does it mean I need rest? Maybe I'm well-rested. Or do I have a general lack of rest? If anything, it’s the latter. There have been many biology lectures in which I've decided to tune everything out and rest. 

Noah. It sounds annoying. It sounds like the name of a 5 year old with a giant booger bubble in front of his face. Like a high schooler with a pokemon backpack. It sounds like a kid at a waterpark who cries when he doesn’t get an ice cream cone. or when he’s hot. or when he doesn't want to wait in line. 

It reminds me of a dark room with a single lamp providing a faint, warm, yellow light. A shout. a cry for hope ultimately drowned in teenage musk and the overwhelming presence of darkness. Noah. While others think of a calm day, or a nice breeze, or a light, playful shade of blue, I think of an expansive empty room, void of all light except that of a moon that doesn’t exist. I think of dark purple. Gray. Colors void of happiness. Sometimes I think of a cool blue. It’s comforting to know I have at least a shred of optimism left. 

Noah. The people at work call me childish names when they need something from me. “Honey.” “Honey Bunny.” “Sweetheart.” I’m 16, not 6. You can use my name. It’s not that hard. Or maybe it is. Maybe my name is too rough and rocky for people to say so they use substitutes, to spare their mouths from the feeling of being dragged across hard concrete.  

Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah.

No.

My name sounds negative, like the word no. There have been many times in my youth where the kids around me would say no out of despair, but with such a pronunciation and timbre that has sounded just enough like my name for me to be worried that I was upsetting people.  Do I often assume that people dislike me? Maybe it means I don't like people. Maybe it means I dislike a vast majority of things. I suppose I have a tendency to stick out from what others are doing. I guess I just don’t like the same things you do. 

People associate the word “no” with things that are wrong. I disagree. I think people use the word “no” when something is different. When they don’t approve of it. But at the end of the day, it's the name that fits me the best. Some say it’s a common name. It sounds annoying. It even sounds negative. but it’s a name that fits me. 

I'll wear it proudly. 

Noah.