Another day being single, going to school, seeing all the joyful faces of people in relationships. Friends, Staff, Teachers, Parents all around me showing affection to the point where I can literally see hearts and that just makes me realize how much more real it is that I am single.  Every day there are people always saying “you are so pretty you must be taken” sadly, I always have to reply with NO. Not because I have to but because I choose to reply with a no. It’s funny because I am a happy, funny, and athletic girl that have many people who look up to me. But secretly, I am insecure. Yes I know I have nothing to be insecure about, but my mind is the opposite and finds a way to make me believe so. I am always running from my true self instead of accepting it. Maybe because I don’t want to be judged by others or maybe because I'm frightened. That is probably another reason why I'm single because I don't open up well. I don't know why, but I always find myself crushing on a guy either close, or too far away. I remember it just like yesterday. I liked a boy that I barely got to know, due to the fact that he was a foreign exchange student from Germany. I met him during track season at a track meet, taking place at Harper Creek. I noticed that a tall person was catching everyone's eyes. As I walked around, all I heard was gossiping and people making comments like “who that” and “he’s cute”. I stopped paying attention to what the other people at the track meet were saying, but for some reason, I could never stop hearing them. It was like my mind and body were forced to be focused on him at all times. My friend Jada walked up to me and she asked the same question like the others “Hey, you see that boy he’s cute right!”, “ he too old for you about my age, so sit your young self down” I replied. It only took that conversation for my brain to just completely focus on him.  

As the day was coming to an end, the wind, of course, picked up. I remember I was standing alone in the cold waiting for my friends to finish their race, wrapped up in a black blanket that felt like a soft husky lying with you in bed. As I waited, I noticed one of my friends from harper walking up to me. He was one of the many other guys at that school that ran track that had some kind of feelings for me. However, as I saw him approach I seen the foreigner walking right behind. When my friend got to me he was asking questions like “how are you” or “what are you running today”. Sadly to say those were the only thing I heard. My mind went absent while staring at the german boy and my friend's voice got quieter and quieter. Soon I found myself thinking of asking him questions. As I continued to glance at him I often caught him glancing at me and without a second thought my mouth open. “What's your name?” “You running tonight” “I like your eyes”. My brain and mouth were like a factory, everyone running around trying to find things and get their job done. But then he finally responded, “My name is Nils, Yes I'm running today and thank you”. At that moment my world stopped and I knew for some reason he captured my heart. Not only was he tall but he had style; He had blue eyes, brown hair, and tan skin; a Nice smile, perfect personality, and a nice calming voice. Ever since I met him, everyday I look forward to a track meet.

 Part 2 of our meeting we found each other again but this time it was different. He walked up to me and hugged me. He cheered me on (well I did too to him), we hung out together and I finally asked for that Snapchat! Ever since then it was always our thing to hug one another and make sure we see each other. But it wasn't always so great. I develop feelings for him and sometimes the feeling was good but sometimes it made me weep. We tried to hang out with each other but that backfires and time was ticking.  I came up with this plan that I needed to tell him before it was his time to go. Every time we text or he posted something I would send signs like hearts or flirty text. He would text me with hearts randomly so I wanted to know if he had feeling back. But I’m the biggest yet smallest wussy you would ever meet when it comes to feelings. However, it was time; it was two days before he was about to fly out. I wanted to tell him so badly but chicken out but then he asked to meet before he goes. But I F up because I got the time wrong even though he said 12 pm when he meant 12am I didn’t confirm it so I blame myself. I missed my chance to be with a boy who actually probably had feelings for me because my stupid self got confused. 

Since then I always wondered was there something important he wanted to say or if we could have a moment or even so if he had said: “I like you and I’m glad I meet you”. I messed up but I ended up telling him through text and later on, I found out information (but once again won’t confirm it). I found out that he claimed me at school like putting a stamp on me. Also that he like me, that's why he got into it with Gavin because he knew Gavin liked me. But I would never understand if all of that was true because it is was why wouldn’t he respond when I told him; furthermore, why wouldn’t he just tell me.

That was one experience that I learn to women up and stop being a scared little girl because you never know with your clock starts ticking. Even so, I can never, to this day, really express my feelings until the very last moment and that's when either they are leaving to go home or they come to school talking to another girl. It's tough, I sometimes feel ugly but I don't think that’s the case. I even find myself always helping others to get in a relationship but can never help myself. But I think its just people are missing chances and I need to stop trying to go with frogs and always missing the prince. Even so, I still think life is sad but there's no rush I guess I just need to patiently wait for “that” someone to change my status. The struggle is real.