I do what I am supposed to. I have a job, I volunteer, I work hard to get good grades. Anything else takes a back seat. As much as I’d like to be normal and do fun things, I know that my fear and anxiety would be inescapable. My fear of failure is like a swirling black pit in my stomach. Every time I think about trying something new and breaking outside of the box the pit comes back and fills me with anxiety until I decide against it. I am constantly thinking about my mistakes, the ones I've made, and the ones I'm currently making that I'll regret. Every step I make I worry that I’m failing. My mind races a million miles a minute while the voice inside my head replays a moment over and over again. It’s impossible to move or think straight when all you can do it worry that what you’re doing is wrong. 

          When I first started my job at Chick-fil-a I was trained on drive-thru order taking. I knew on my first day of training that it would happen but I kept ignoring it, hoping the day would never come. I was so scared I would not do well at it. I glanced at my schedule for a split second the week before and saw that the following week I would have to put on the headset and take orders. The day of my training my pit of anxiety returned and I couldn't eat, drink, or sleep the night before. I slipped on my Charcoal grey and Cherry red uniform and headed out the door clutching my water bottle like a lifesaver bobbing in the water, hoping that plans had changed. I stayed in the car for a few minutes before reluctantly walking in and my mind was scattered. I entered the building and was welcomed by everyone behind the counter, but I couldn't get rid of the nervousness that had been accumulating all day. I whispered under my breath “ You’ll be ok, it's only a few hours and then you will be back home again, no matter what happens right now.” My trainer, Ebony, quickly placed the headset on me and my right ear was engulfed in a ring of foam padding. At first, I just listened to Ebony take orders. I observed her race back and forth between the soft drinks, lemonades, teas, milkshake and ice cream machine, and the computer all while calmly and politely taking the guest’s order. As I watched her my respect for her doubled and so did my self-doubt. I was able to stumble my way through the night and became a pro at the computer and soft drinks but when it came to ice cream, teas, lemonades, and milkshakes which all took more time to make. I couldn’t fathom the idea of doing headset again, but I wanted to become good at it. The thought of it made my voice waver as I continued to talk into the minuscule microphone that captured my every word.

          My fears tend to develop due to self-doubt. I’m aware that my self-doubt is the reason that I'm constantly on edge but somehow it only makes me feel worse as if I’m making an excuse. One horrifying day back when I was in 3rd or 4th grade I found out I had stage fright. I signed up for a program called Soiree Singer Juniors. It was a little program where a singing group from the high school would teach the younger kids a song and dance. I was so excited to perform with my friends on the auditorium stage. As soon as I walked on the stage my heart started pounding, my palms got sweaty and my voice got shaky. The lights blinded me and I couldn't see past a sheet of white light into the audience. I was terrified to make a fool of myself or stick out in a negative way. I sang and danced and tried my hardest to smile. When the performance was over I ran off the stage as fast as I could, I was so shaken by my stage fright. My fear of failure has always been a part of me it just always seemed to surprise me when I wasn’t expecting it. Now it’s a more constant fear because every decision I make seems to be an important one. 

          The fear I have does not always just come and go, it’s a more constant feeling. It’s an everlasting conversation with my thoughts that makes me second guess everything from my first word to the test I took yesterday. It’s like a bully steadily reminding you that you did something wrong. The subject I fear most is the future. My future, as well as everyone else’s, is unknown and it's scary to not know what happens next. I obsess over everything I do because I'm afraid to mess up the plans I have after high school. I’ve always had some little fears of failure but they mostly stemmed from embarrassment but more recently it’s been apparent that college is approaching. Our futures are starting now, and for me, that idea is always sounding a fire alarm in my head telling me that I need to figure things out. If I could take the pressure of the future off, my fear of failure would disappear. Every test I get a 90 on instead of 100 on would be celebrated instead of cried over, every misstep would be laughed at instead of worried about, and every thought that would go through my head that I was doing something wrong would cease. 

          I’m an only child and because of that, I tend to find quiet places the best places to think and work. When I become especially stressed and scared I know to calm myself down. I breathe in and out slowly and try to steady my heartbeat because at that point my heart has usually started racing. When I finally find it inside myself to calm down I just close my eyes and go to a quiet place. I find that I usually end up thinking of parks, gardens, and sunlit rooms to soothe myself. One of my favorite places to escape is the hidden gardens at the Toledo Zoo. I volunteer at the zoo so I've done my fair share of exploring and one day I came across the most beautiful and tranquil place I had ever seen. I took a left turn onto a cobblestone path and walked into the tree line. My feet sunk into the luscious green grass and I looked ahead to the shady to see a small bunny. It’s almost as if you're walking into a different dimension, all noise disappears and is replaced with the gentle buzzing of bees and the sound of the trees swaying in the wind. The caretakers make sure every flower is in perfect bloom in a rainbow of different colors and the bees, butterflies, and hummingbirds have a peaceful place to live. Whenever I think of it my stress melts away even if it’s only for a moment.

          Sometimes I can’t calm myself down, I'm too overwhelmed to think or breathe. When that happens there’s only one person who can make me feel better. My mom. She’s a small woman only 4’11, an inch shorter than me. She naturally has my dark brown hair, almost black, but she gets it colored a caramel blonde with strands of chocolate brown peeking through. Her skin is a few shades tanner than mine yet everyone always says I’m her mini-me. She always knows just what to say to cheer me up. We share a sarcastic sense of humor, a love of crafting, baking, and poking fun at my dad (in a kind way). When I come home from school buried in homework or walk in the door after work looking down because I feel that I didn't do well, she wraps me in a hug and I'm able to think from a new perspective.

          Overall my fear of failure is something I’ve always dealt with. Sometimes it’s hard because it causes me to be too hard on myself and the things I’m doing. However, I would not be where I am, or who I am without it. It’s a part of me I’ve learned to deal with, and maybe one day I’ll be able to put it down instead of carrying its weight. It has pushed me outside of comfort zone and helped me to realize that life is about growing and moving forward even if it’s difficult, or scary. As the saying goes what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.