I guess the ocean calms things. This makes sense, since I’ve always hated the beach and my soul has always been something like an inferno. But as I walked upon the sand that slid beneath my feet, under the sun that broiled down into my hair, my soul seeped deeper and deeper into meditation, and I sank farther and farther into my own thoughts.

It was hard to have any fun. As the waves soared above my head and Dad and Krishnan* fell again and again into the water, I found myself pretending that I was having a good time. My mind was on my cousin; not Krishnan, but Sai. The most elusive out of us, he stood at the edge of the sand and gazed patiently out at the sea.

He was tall, straddling the edge of 6 feet, and he had jet-black hair. His hair was like mine - both black, but his was more of a midnight sky and mine had the color of a neglected pile of manure. I guess the colors fit our personalities: Sai was about as mysterious as a pitch-black sky, and me? I’d been an awful person.

But I had decided that this would be the trip I apologized to him. This was going to be the day I stepped up and took responsibility for my actions, and I saw the perfect opportunity.

“Hey, Dad?” I called over the crashing waves.

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to keep Sai company. He looks a little lonely.”

He gave me two thumbs up and I let the water drag me inward. With each wave I was carried further and further to the edge of the beach, until I stood and stepped over the currents that were half-heartedly trying to pull me back.

I almost let them.

It was a long walk to where Sai was standing, but I had no trouble taking my time - I had planned out for years what I was going to say, but now that I was there, I had nothing. In truth, I was afraid. I was terrified of what he would think, but I knew, at the same time, it was the only thing I could do.

The waves lapped at my feet again as I stepped back out into the water, only a little before I reached him. He turned to look at me, then turned back.

“Hey, Sai,” I said with the same fake smile I had used this whole trip.

“Hi.” His voice sounded deep, and it had an edge to it. The same voice I wish I heard more often, if only I hadn’t pushed him away for so long.

“How are you?”

“Fine.” I couldn’t tell if he was mad or if he was tired, or maybe he didn’t want to talk to me. I could understand if I was the last person he wanted to see.

We stood in silence for a long time, listening to the waves crash in the distance. I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it. I had nothing to say.

Just say something. Get it out.

I sighed. “Sai?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m... I’m sorry.”

He kept staring ahead.

“I’m sorry for being a crappy person all these years. And… I guess I’m sorry for pushing you away, too.”

He glanced at me but didn’t turn his head.

“I’m just sorry.”

He stared into the ocean for a long time before he said anything.

“You’re fine.”

I waited for a while, though there was something else on my mind. Being with Sai was calming, and I didn’t want to end it too soon.

But, unlike the ocean, I wasn’t patient. Abruptly, I spoke. “There’s something else, too.”

Raising his eyebrows, Sai turned to look at me.

I took a deep breath. “I feel like a stranger. Like, every time I step into your house, you just ignore the fact that I’m there. I just feel like I’m not family. And I know part of that’s my fault, and I’m sorry. I just wish we had a better relationship... like the way it used to be.”

“Yeah.”

“I just... I guess that’s all I wanted to say.”

Sai paused, like he was contemplating what to say. Slowly, he said, “I don’t have anything against you. I’m just not a talkative person.”

Relief washed over me, and I laughed. “See, for all of these years, I thought you hated me.”

“No.”

I smiled. Suddenly I could feel the pieces coming together, but there was one more thing I wanted to do before I was too nervous.

“Can I... can I have a hug?” I asked.

“Uh, sure.”

So I hugged him. I squeezed him tight, and to my elation, he hugged me back.

It was the first time we had done this in a long while.

I guess the ocean heals things too. Like it healed my relationship with Sai. Like it healed my hurt and sadness and feelings of exile. I guess it’s more than just water.

And I don’t know what the future holds, but I know we are still cousins, bound by blood, and I know I won’t make the same mistakes I made all my life. I know it wasn’t fair; I know I can do better. I just hope we will be cousins, not strangers, when life comes to an end.

*All names have been changed.