My name means the weak will find strength through love. My name means hope is rarely gone, rather hidden. Courtney. Actually Court to those I love. I was hidden in the dark vacuum that is addiction but then I found light. I was weak, I was a loser, I had no hope. Oh but I did.
It was a dance with the new companion I got to know all too well. Learning to dance trying to avoid crushing toes. Although I would. So eloquently he was introduced into my life. He was supposed to suppress the pain that I bore after my head was sliced into with a scalpel on July twenty-first. Court did know who she was, but this was starting to waver. This new companion soon grew ferocious, controlling, never ceasing in a mission to take over a lovely life. I cry now, wishing I would have put up a harder fight for my life. It would be seven months before Court would ask for help admitting her knew companion was killing her. I wish I could boast about overcoming by myself but I cannot. She would soon scream and cry the ever present statement, “I am finished with you.”
My strength was found though love from friends. They wouldn’t leave, although I would disappoint them and continue to slip up. The next month was spent in hell. But I wasn’t alone, they were always there, taking care of me. Of course I wasn’t. I thought. Court caught a glimpse of hope when she spoke to friend who listened and was there. Without judgment. This was the hardest thing I ever admitted to. Being a failure, and letting my selflessness takeover my life.
No more. I have found light in the dark. I have found strength through love. Court is magnificent and knows who she is. The phantom of last year will always be there, but we can learn to coexist. Now my life is lit with the hope and promise of a clean slate. Every day. I am Court and will live my life finding hope in love and sharing it with others.