What I wanted to say:

Hey, it’s me. Why are you ignoring me? Why aren’t you talking to me in the halls or coming over just to say hi? I feel like we never talk and if we do it’s not real, it’s not talking the way best friends should talk. Actually, I’m not even sure we are best friends anymore. Why does Laura take time to talk to me, to invite me over and giggle about stupid things like boys and makeup? I only have one class with her but in that one class we talk more than you and I have the entire week. Why is it I’m the one who invites you over, and when you do call me it’s because you’re with your other friend scrolling through your phone book? Do you know I still have that picture you gave me when we were in kindergarten for my birthday? It’s right next to my bed, also next to all the pictures our parents took each Halloween. Are there any pictures of me in your room Cara?

I was waiting for my mom to show up one weekend, you know that week I took the SATs? Did you even know I was taking them, didn’t I tell you? Well she was really late, so I was standing in sub zero temperatures for half an hour and forgot my cell phone, like I always forget things, when I decided to borrow this girl’s phone, maybe you could pick me up. Except I didn’t, because for the first time in a decade I felt weird asking your mom to pick me up, which is odd because we used to car pool all the time, and anytime my mom was even a smidgen late yours would just drive me back home.

What you said today was mean. Awful and it almost made me break down right there in the middle of the hallway. It sounded like you didn’t even want me to be there. You keep choosing her over me and I hate it. She’s my friend too, my very good friend, but you spend so much more time with her than you do with me. It’s like you’re just dismissing me!

We’re growing apart Cara, and I hate that. I hate it so much that every time I think about it I start crying. I wish you were still my best friend. I wish you were still the person I came to first when I needed help or I liked a guy. I wished it was you who was the first one to notice I was upset. But you know what I wished for the most?

I wish you noticed I was upset in the first place.

“…”

Yeah, I’m sorry too, I think I may have made it into a bigger deal than it was. Not to worry though, you’re still my best friend! Not getting rid of me that easy. Oh my god, did you hear about what happened…



What I said:

“Hey, it’s Lindsey calling, this is Cara, right?”


…


“You’re not mad, are you?”


…


“No, I’m not either.”


…


“Listen, we never get to talk anymore because we have like no classes together. Not to mention the one class we do have is awful. What did you get on that test?”


…


“I know, she didn’t teach us any of that!”


…


“I’m not sure what class is worse. What about you?”


…


“My god Cara! No one in my class even gets close to those grades in French!”


…

“Yeah, I’ll hold.”


…


“Yeah, we do have different friends. But that doesn’t mean anything, right?”


…


“What did I get for her birthday? What did you get her?”
……………………………..


If you never admit to anything, if you refuse to acknowledge it, that doesn’t make it go away. It just never gets resolved but it’s always there, hovering over you. No one can fix something they don’t know is broken…