You see that girl? She looks so happy, right? Telling jokes, smiling, having a great time, and… Dying inside. She’s hurt. And tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn’t want to look dramatic, weak, and hurt. So she keeps it all inside. She acts like everything’s perfect, smiling to cover everything up, so everybody thinks that she’s the happiest person they know. That she has no problems and her life is perfect. If they only knew the truth…



“You’re always smiling,” someone tells me. This is true; I am almost always smiling. But there is something that everybody can relate to, faking a smile. Either faking a smile to be friendly to someone you don’t like, faking a smile when you’re in an uncomfortable situation, or faking a smile because you don’t want to show the pain you’re in.





For me, it’s all of the above. I literally smile through everything. Even in the deepest pain I’m in, I still smile. I don’t even believe I have a nice smile, but I still smile. Sometimes I smile so much that my cheeks start to hurt, but I still smile.





Now it brings me back to that person who said, “You’re always smiling.” One of my greatest friends said that. I said back to him, “I always smile, even through the tears.” And you want to know what he said back to me? He said, “I don’t know if you know this Tay, but seeing you smile just brightens my day. You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve been through so much s***, but you still manage to smile. You’re actually my idol.” I didn’t even know my smile meant that much to him; and all I pretty much was doing most of the time, was faking a smile. People can never tell that I, myself, have been through Hell and back, because I always smile. Always.

But there is a downside to smiling all the time. No one knows you’re actually in pain. I don’t even know who I am anymore because I’ve been lost in a whirlpool of pain, drowning in the hurt. I used to be this person that everyone would know as the one who was always strong, always happy, and didn’t let anything get to me. I was destroyed. I was changed. I want the old me back. I want to show the people who hurt me that I’m okay. You’re not hurting me anymore… But the truth is, I don’t think I’ll ever make it to that place. It’s going to always be a constant reminder, everyday, with things that happened to me. But I want to make it to that happy place again, so badly. I’m trying, as hard as I can. I want to show everyone that I am strong. I’ve been made more determined than ever to believe it’s possible to be happy again. I don’t know how long it’ll take, but I will make it to that happy place again. But for now, I’m just going to be brave when I'm scared, speak even if my voice shakes, stand even if my knees quiver, and smile through the heart ache. But remember this one thing: when life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show it you have a thousand reasons to smile. That is determination; that’s my determination.