Had you ever love someone so much, that even though you know you must let go, you just don’t know how to let go? That is exactly, how I feel about him. The look in his honey brown eyes, the way he smiled just made me melt. A tear rolled down, my heart began to be once again in major pain. It all came back to that one day. The day that turned my whole world upside down. It has been 1 year and 6 months, but the pain was and is still there, as it had been just yesterday. I still remembered that day, I couldn't get it out of my head. As much as I tried, he could never get out of my mind.
All I ever heard was that I was just 15 years old, that I didn't knew much about life. I thought to myself, "What do they know, they are wrong." Nobody understood me, they kept on telling me he wasn't worth it, to just get over it. I wish it was that simple, they didn't understand, my heart was in pain. I just didn't understand where it is that I went wrong. I tried it all for him. Not only had he broken my heart, but destroyed my whole life, and I know it will never be the same.
He was the one special guy in my life that made everything worth it. We had so many people wanting to separate us, from the beginning we knew it, we wasn't meant to be. And he said it himself that night he asked me to be his girl. But that is, what made me fall in love, that he was willing to risk it all, even if it meant we could get killed. We were two different separate worlds, he was from another block, and where I live, that meant we couldn’t even know each other’s name. If anyone at all found out we were going out, they would kill us. They would accuse us of going against our hoods. I always thought that if we broke up it was going to be because of them, but it wasn’t completely that way.
September 23rd, 2008, they day of our anniversary. A day I thought I will never forget, and boy was I right. Two days before I had found out my boyfriend was moving, and so he had open house. He was throwing a party that day, and I had school, I wasn’t sure if I should go though. I knew he wanted me to go, but his friends didn’t. Finally I promised him to go, kind of scared of what might happen to me I decided to take one of my Best friends. It was crazy from the start, I didn’t have money to get there and I later found out none of them did. When the bus arrived they all went through the back, like animals. I got scared, but then I thought it was funny and so I joined them.
When we got at my boyfriend’s house they all began to take out the liquor and beer, put music on and began dancing. I didn’t really feel good being there, but I was already there what else could I do. I saw my boyfriend and he hadn’t even done anything at all, I expected at least a hug. I was disappointed, and felt worthless. When I noticed everyone was drunk, I checked the time it was only 11:25AM. I couldn’t find my boyfriend anywhere, but when I finally did he smelled like alcohol, I locked the door of his room and he said to go outside where everyone else was. I said no and so he was just going to leave, then he hugged me and so we began to make out. We didn’t even last 5 seconds, when my best friend that had gone with me, came in drunk.
She began to curse me out, and I saw her accompanied by three other girls. I was confused, to what I knew me and her were best friends. And besides that, we wasn’t supposed to get along with them. I began to curse her out to, and my boyfriend got in the middle, he stayed with me and embraced me. After all that, just feeling his embrace made me feel all better, as if nothing else mattered. I left to use the bathroom, and when I came back he wasn’t there. I looked for him and he was nowhere to be found. I felt frustrated and I asked his friends which just looked at me, I could tell they was thinking “you don’t belong here.” I didn’t know what to do, and then I saw two of his friends covering a door when they saw me. I told them to move and when I saw they wouldn’t I just wanted to punch them, hit the wall, kick everyone. Do anything, but get my anger out, and so all I did was kick the door and it opened. That is when I saw them , my best friend, with my boyfriend. His hand around her, and so I felt my world collapse, I kicked the door harder and he got up and just closed it.
I felt so stupid, useless and began to leave. As I went down the stairs I felt everything turned to black, I couldn’t even walk.. I sat down in the stairs and thought to myself that it was just because he was drunk, that soon it will all be over. When I noticed everyone was leaving, it was 2:28PM and so I went to his room to get my book bag, and so I saw him. Speechless, I turned away, and he grabbed my hand. He brought me to the hallway where everyone was walking to leave, I couldn’t control it, and so I began crying. His friends stared at me, and I knew they felt sorry. Like four of them told him “Make up your mind, you can’t have 2 girls at once.” My boyfriend just smiled at them as if it was a joke, without realizing it was hurting me. I expected him to say he loved me, that he will never do it again. I was wrong, I still remember the exact words he used. “I’m sorry, right now I just don’t know what I want. I love you, but I think I feel something for her too.”
The moment I heard those words, I felt my hear split in two. I stared at his eyes and began crying, I began to leave expecting him to follow me and at least hug me, but he didn’t. He closed the door, and I was on my own. He didn’t call until the next day, and he was drunk. He sounded as if he was crying and he apologized, I took him back just like that. I loved him, he was the one that after I horrible day, with just hearing his voice it was all better. The one I would rather have the worst day of my life, than a good day with anyone else. I thought everything would be different but later on he just kept on cheating on me with my best friend. I was tired of it, I had lost the love of my life and one of my best friends.
It is said that you don’t know what you have until it is gone, but I knew it all along. I had the most amazing boyfriend ever, the one that with a "I love you" made me feel in heaven. He had broken my heart, and he was the only one that could fix it. Nobody will ever understand that I really loved him, and that even though he hurt me, played with me and lied to me, I still feel like he is worth all the pain. Nobody will ever understand how tired I am of pretending I am alright, how I’ve learned to fool everyone but myself, because the pain still hunts me every night and day. Nobody will ever understand what it is like to watch the one you love, love someone else. How much I need him in my life, how much I miss him. How every night I still wake up, wishing he was there. How every time the phone rings I wish that it was him. How I still he was with me here, there, anywhere but together.