Calm and still, like a body of water, the white stings my eyes, the air, stale. All that stands are two chairs and the brown coffee table. I stand still looking at the room, uneasy about this all, but the chairs scream, they scream for me. I find the screaming unbearable, so I begin approaching. Each step I take echoes throughout the never ending white. I plop down into the chair, it’s soft red fabric causes my fingertips to tingle. The coffee table still remains the same, still stained by my morning cups of tea. I breath in and out comes a word “I”, soon more follows “I had a good day, I was ignored, but I still had a good birthday. Today was a good day” my lips curve into a smile, “Today was a good day, like everyday, it was a good day.”

I stare at the chair opposite of me, it’s missing something, you're missing, you're not sitting there like normal. A green light on one of the chairs' armrests lights up, a hand of pale complexion pulls the chair, trying to get it to open up before they sit down. I stare into the eyes of who it is, it’s you. I look at you, you're here, I open my mouth but soon enough, “You got ignored? On your birthday? Who ignored you on a day full of celebration?”

I swallow hard and mutter the name out, “Toast.” I look down, keeping my eyes locked onto my shoes, if you saw my eyes, you’d know.

You sigh “Toast, ignored you on your birthday? Why? Their one of your closest friends.They should have been there more than anything for a celebration of their friend! But they ignored you.” Your words are fading in and out.

I glance up, your eyes are wide, you're sitting on the edge of your seat, your hands clasped together. I close my eyes and shift my head away from you and open my mouth “It’s— It’s fine, they just didn’t want to talk to me and they were having fun with someone else. They didn’t switch it to a group call, so it’s fine.”

“There’s more going on here, what else happened?” your voice is soft.

“They both started transfering what was happening into a group chat, it was a little upsetting—”

Loneliness, what is loneliness? Being lonely is to crave others, but you can’t due to isolation, but isolation and loneliness, those two together, something about them is strange. Isolation is not being able to be with people but loneliness is what you feel when you want to be with people, it’s cruel and it eats at you, so why, why does it always feel like there is something missing?

“But it’s fine, I get it, I’m too much at times, and sometimes, I’m not even a friend.” I croak, my throat starts closing up, “I’m just a therapist or entertainment. That—”

You raise your voice, “But no! That’s what literal nobodies who die at 25 are! You’re not a nobody! You are a friend! Why would someone view you as different?!”

That’s right, why would someone view a friend as nothing more than something of service or even something to laugh at? Isn’t a friend supposed to be something you can retreat to when you need help? Isn’t a friend supposed to be there to laugh with you? What is a friend supposed to look like in this warped reality?

“They aren’t remembered, and so much more! But you're a friend! You deserve so much better!”

I clutch the hem of my shirt, “Just a bit ago they tried to talk to me just because they wanted entertainment, but they didn’t want anything to do with me when I told them that I can’t do it. They don’t want me as a friend”

I look at you, you still look the same, just your brows are furrowed, “That’s petty to do, not wanting to keep talking to someone since they can’t get what they want.”

“I still had a good day, even if I’m lonely and was ignored”

If loneliness and isolation is what it means to have an absence of others but you want to be with others and a friend’s job is to be there for you and to have fun with you. Why would someone ditch their friend for a whole day and not even acknowledge when their friend is suffering? That’s not a good friend is it? 

“This isn’t what I’d call a good day. Do you ever just tell them that you want to be treated like a friend? This seems like this type of stuff happens regularly and it just seems downright annoying!”

I clutch the black bedsheets and stare at the dark luminciant screen, it contrasts the white laptop, but the laptop contrasts the bed. My fingers pitter patter against the keyboard, each key is smooth. I stare at the final product as I move the mouse to the muted blue send button

RemList 9:45 pm

I just want a normal conversation with someone, I don’t want to have the conversation just go:

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Wanna rp?”

“Sure”

“Which one?”

“No clue”

And then they choose

It’s never:

“Hi, hru?”

“Oh, hey. I’m doing good. I got to do this and this, that was fun, hru?”

“Oh, well this and this happens but that is what it is.”

My throat feels as if I’m swallowing but everything gets tighter and tighter, with each gasp for air it’s hard and harder. I wait for your response as red dresses my face with drop like decorations.

Mr.beargang 9:46 pm

Yeah, I would clearly see why. That seems more like you’re a material that only needs use to get a rp fix.

I take in what you typed up and think my words through, words are hard to think of when an ache in your frontal lobe hinders everything, all I can do is rub my index fingers on the F and J key’s the bump on them tells me my fingers are placed properly, then my fingers move rapidly, just as a drop like decoration falls onto the mouse pad.

RemList 9:48 pm

I want a normal conversation

I want to be treated as a kid

not a parent

a therapist

entertainment

Mr.beargang 9:48 pm

Especially when you’re not in ak good mood or something bad happened, you don’t want it to be ignored or to move onto something all the time

“You don’t want it to be ignored”, but how do I get my problems to be noticed, every minute they find some new thing to vent about, for this god forsaken world they even told me “You're not allowed to be sad! Only me!”. If I can’t be sad, if I can’t feel uncomfortable, if I can’t allow myself to feel what’s truly going on, what am I? If I’m sad, how can I be responsible friend or even smart kid? If I can’t be what you all think I am, what am I? But my sad, it’s a normal sad, the one that non ill people have, but my sad, it’s only expressed as if I am depressed, but I’m not an if I am it’s only because it’s a symptom of my true illness.

Mr.beargang 9:49 pm

Then at that point, you lose one main aspect of being a ‘friend’ to one another.

I stare at the message. I friend, a friend isn’t someone who forces you to ignore everything when you feel bad, they aren’t someone who forces you to move on, a friend is strange, but in this warped reality, I know at least a little bit about what a friend should be.

Slowly the time slips and the timestamp next to our messages is 11:10. My face is dry and puffy, my arms shake as if I’ve been cornered, I rub my index fingers on the F and J keys, with one thing screaming loud and clear:

“A friend is someone who cares about you and isn’t dismissive about you, they don’t want you to suffer and understand that no matter what our problems are equal. A friend isn’t supposed to make you feel bad, they aren't supposed to make you feel alone, and if they make you feel like that, they should apologize.”