Sidney. The name that has been attached to me for (almost) my entire life. 

Before I was born, my parents decided that they wanted the gender of their child to be a surprise. As a result, I was a nameless being for a few hours. A small part of my future was undecided. There were numerous notable names thrown around—Maya, Caroline, Cheyenne, Grace—but not one that both of my parents could agree on. 

Eventually, they settled on a name that they both liked. But it was neither one’s first choice. There was nothing special about it. No specific reason for the spelling. They just liked it better.

The conventional spelling for my name would have been Sydney, spelled with a “y” as the second letter. When I was younger, I resented the fact that I had to constantly correct people when they misspelled my name. It seemed obvious to me, but I couldn’t blame them. Every person they had met with my name probably spelled it “normally”. 

Now, I appreciate the uniqueness of my name, no matter how many times I have to correct people around me. It makes me feel like an individual, separated from everyone around me. 

But, is this a good thing? 

We are taught individuality from an early age. Be unique. Don’t listen to what others say. But, if you’re too different, you may start to drown.

Everyone my age seems to have everything figured out. To have already decided how the rest of their lives will go.

Where do I find myself, who I really am? 

Sidney sounds like warm whipping winds disturbing the waves. It tastes like a mouthful of salty sea water. It feels like the blowing breeze right before a storm. Sidney is the deep blue ocean. A bustling harbor that stops for no one. I, too, at times, blindly immerse myself in some task or topic, mentally drifting to a place where no one can stop me. 

Sydney. The letter “y” seems to be asking “why”. Like it’s undecided about something. 

Maybe this means that my journey of self discovery will not be undecided for long. That I will soon be comfortable with my own identity and life path. 

“I” for individuality. For independence. Making a name for myself. Diverging from convention. Deciding my future. Maybe this will lead me to where I’m supposed to be. “I” will just have to wait and see.