Dear JD,

I love you. I love you so much. It breaks my heart to see you going through this. You haven’t had the best life and for that, I’m extremely sorry. I wish I recognized it earlier and was there to help you. I wish I could have stepped in and texted you more. I wish we took you into our home more often, maybe we could have prevented this. I miss you. There’s no other way to say this. I miss you so much.

I miss the innocent times when we were growing up together. When my brother and I would stay in your room and we would stay up till one in the morning. We would laugh, read, and play Bamboozled while our parents slept. You would crack open the Jellybeans and smell them before you put them in your mouth. We called you out for cheating, but you just laughed and said it was part of the fun. I remember your face when you bit into the barf one. There was instant regret.

I miss when we sat in your basement, our eyes glued to the TV. You turned on the Xbox and the three of us played “the ant game” that to this day I still don’t remember the name of. You were supportive as my brother slew giant ant after giant ant. You grabbed the other remote from my hands and took my place. I watched as the alien ants slowly fell into green goo at your hands. We laughed our heads off. I remember my core aching in pain after laughing so hard.
I miss when you exposed me to my first horror movie. Together, we watched The Babadook. It scared me half to death, but you were unfazed. I was terrified for weeks after that movie. Now, I look back and laugh at my stupidity. I couldn't sleep for over a week after watching it. You helped me through it. You made me laugh. What I thought was so terrifying was made less scary by some simple jokes. I felt braver because of you.

I miss when you tricked my brother and me into thinking that you were sleepwalking. You walked around your room, eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. We frantically tried to wake you up, but to no prevail. The next morning, with a grin on your face, you told us that you didn’t remember any of it. You had us fooled, until a few years later you finally came clean.

I miss the trips to the Field Museum with Grandma and Grandpa. We looked at Sue, complete wonder in our eyes. We talked about everything from history to what we were learning about in school. Grandma would promise to buy us something from the gift shop. Grandpa would explain to us the stories behind each artifact. We would go to the theater and watch a documentary, soaking in as much knowledge as we could.

I miss the times when we looked at your old pictures. Your baby face stared back at us as we laughed about how chubby you were. We compared your pictures to mine. We looked nothing alike, we still don’t, but I remember enjoying these blissful moments with you.
I miss you. It’s as simple as that. I miss who you were before alcohol and vaping stole you away from me. I miss being able to trust you. I miss a time where I didn’t have to doubt every word that you said. I miss being able to look at you without envisioning the person you’ve become. I want to see you, but you make it so difficult.

I’m terrified whenever someone mentions your name; I’m afraid it’s going to be some bad news. You’ve made a stupid choice, you aren’t coming back. We’ll never see you again. You could have ridden your bicycle off the side of the road, gotten hit by a car, or you decided to leave us willingly. I’m scared for you and I know everyone else is too.

I know you’re fighting it. You’re trying, but you keep on spiraling back down. You’re better than this. You’re too young to let this destroy your life. You have a future with people that love you. You mean too much to me to just disappear. I won’t let this be the ruin of you. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, there’s still so much for you to discover. You deserve more than the life you were given. You deserve to be happy. The only thing left is for you to realize that.

I love you way too much to watch you fall. I’m tired of being scared for you, I only want to be proud of you. I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore. I know I’ve already said it a million times but I love you. Please come back to me. Please come back to us. Your family misses you.

Love,
Jac