february 2, 2023

the last day of my life

early today,

wind dropped the temperature twenty degrees

i had little to cope with that.

i curled up and wrapped a ratty 49ers blanket around my legs;

i was in shorts.

a tall woman in a snappy suit

marched past, skirted me by a mile

locked eyes with me for a second

and looked away,

straightening shoulderpadded jacket

what did she think she was doing?

ignoring me?

nice try, lady.

i’ve seen a million people “ignoring” me

the quicker-than-quick glance,

the straightening of the back,

the speeding up of the steps.

these self-righteous idiots.

who are they fooling?

and

as i sat there outside of dale’s laundromat

shivering, leaning against a shopping cart

i realized that

i was as much deserving of love

as the preppy-suit lady

or any of the other condescenders.

but the world disagreed.

i lay down on cold cement,

shivering,

and as if on cue-

dale, the laundromat owner,

marched out and started screaming at me

cussing, angry man

i had no patience for.

i knew that i wasn’t wanted anywhere,

but i’d had enough of here.

i struggled to my feet

piling clothes and old blankets on my shopping cart

my little dog penny yapped around dale’s legs

he kicked her away and yelled at her

i tugged her leash, come on girlie

as i began to push the shopping cart

down the strip mall.

they’ll be another place for us, penny

we trudged along

down the strip mall, to a bridge

over a dried up river

and we walked under the bridge to pitch camp.

it’s a mess down here

patches of dead, dry grass here and there

a lot of it burned up in the many fires

that people like me

accidentally start down here.

i parked my shopping cart

by a cement piling

and plopped down

penny curled up, pressed against my thigh

for warmth,

the little i seemed to have left, anyways.

and this is where you can find me now.

my life is near spent, and i’m only 34

drugs and poverty

do something to you, goes to show.

i pull a beer bottle out of the

shopping cart

and pop it open

with the bottle opener

i always have on me.

but for a brief second before I drink,

i wonder,

should i?

should i just keep on guzzling

my life away?

i tip beer down my throat.

no, it does not matter

it’s too late for me.

dead, dead while I am living.

just a ghost of who i was.

i lean back against the piling,

hoping that my death comes soon

so i don’t have to face this misery

any longer

because the misery of living

is the worst misery of all.

i remember a time when life was good

but it is a distant, distant memory now.

snow begins to fall

at least i am under the bridge,

but it’s still getting so cold.

i pull old blankets and dirty clothes

out of the cart

wrapping them around myself

just to stay alive.

penny whimpers

and i hold her closer

it’s okay, tiny girl,

just hang in there.

but i do not believe that

what i believe? nothing is going to be okay,

nothing is going to be okay.

i shiver

and pull a blanket over my greasy haired head

this is my end.

a pitiful end

to a pathetic life

and i would not wish it on my worst enemy.

as the night gets colder,

the heat leaves my body

and enters the frozen ground

and i know i am dying.

i don’t care.

i am half glad to die.

my life didn’t affect anyone anyways

i was just another homeless drunk

dirtying the city

and that may be all anyone ever thinks.

there will be no funeral when i die

for no one, no one will miss me.

however,

before i die

i want to do one thing with lasting impact.

that is why these words are written down.

the dying words

of a woman who has been dying

since the day she was born.

they will matter little to you

they are my words, my last

stupid drunken thoughts

it is all over for me

and my legacy is left in this paper

you now hold in your hands.

burn it, throw it away,

i couldn’t care less.

for once we die

our fate is out of our hands

and now,

my fate is in yours.

reader, don’t be too arrogant

to see your own failings.

have an ounce of compassion.

change the life of someone

and you will not have lived in vain.

it is too late for me

but not for you.

goodbye