Black coffee, H2O, apple cider vinegar, ice cubes. These were no stranger to my tongue. As my Youtube and search history continue to pile up with weight loss related content, I sit and wonder why no one takes my mental illness seriously. Is it because I don't look scrawny? Is it because I haven't lost my period? Why do I not fit the criteria of my mental illness when I am doing the best I can to get sick? As silly as it sounds, I strive to look unhealthy. 

I went to psychologist after psychologist after psychologist and none of them ended well. I've tried everything from A to Z including hypnotherapy. The mental illness has taken almost 100% of my brain to the point where the relationship between my family members and I have deteriorated. Many petty arguments about spaghetti and meatballs have occured in the middle of deciding what to eat for dinner.  

I still remember very vividly the day when the pandemic started. Everyone was in quarantine and trying out the trendy "Chloe Ting's weight loss in two weeks" program. I, myself decided to join in and see what the craze was all about. I guess I do have a few pounds and stomach rolls to lose. Oh yeah, and my inner thighs too. 14 days later, my life didn't change. My body didn't even lean out one bit. Well that's fine! Just a diet and a calorie deficit will work out just fine. After watching a bunch of "How to eat healthy", "How to get toned", Youtube videos, for a whole day, I knew just what to do. Drink more water, intermittent fast, cut out ALL carbs and sugar, don't eat after 6pm. I told myself I would stop until I reach my goal weight. 2 months passed and that didn't do anything. Its fine, just diet all year long. This continuous cycle took over my life and I didn't notice it even though my family told me it was toxic. Of course, I didn't listen as I deny having an eating disorder. 

Around February 2021, it was Chinese New Year. The day I have anticipated my whole year for. To eat all the cookies and dig into the heavenly food. The night before Chinese New Year, I was awake all night worrying about how I am going to control myself from bingeing on all the pineapple tarts and how bloated my stomach is. The next day and throughout Chinese New Year, I did not enjoy a single pineapple tart and I gave myself a pat on the back for how amazing my self control has come. Years passed by as I cancel my lunch plans with my friends and hope to get compliments about my toned abs while rolling up in a ball everyday and night, sobbing about how flabby my twig-like arms are. 

The world is made of people of all sizes, color, shapes and mentality. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I am different from everyone else. For the rest of my life, I will continue to get comments about myself that trigger me internally, but I have to be smart enough to know that their opinion does not matter one bit, as cheesy as it sounds. And, no, I am not recovered yet. I am far from being recovered from my mental illnesses, but I am going all in despite the contrasting thoughts about my worth. 

I am worthy to live, I am good enough, I am sick enough and I am smart enough. And most importantly, I am unique and special. I have completed all 8 grades in violin and piano at the age of 12 and now, I'm studying diploma. Additionally, I have perfect pitch ears which I am so grateful for. Rather than grieving about the things you hate about yourself, be grateful about what you have because you are different. I see others for who they are and not for the number on the scale or their face. I may not be happy with myself yet but I will be, one day.