“Being friends with everyone is such a nice feeling” not when you feel like the loneliest person in the world.So many acquaintances, so many ‘best friends’ but the fact that I’m never anyone's first choice hurts me so bad. ‘Maybe I should try getting closer to someone’ is what one part of my brain says; and then there’s the other part, ‘if they want you, they’ll make time for you and come to you’ The feeling of wanting to be alone but not lonely is one of the most painful feelings I’ve felt, crying every single night knowing no one would choose me as the first choice, being numb and wanting someone to give me some warmth, wanting someone to hug, wanting someone to love is so hard. 

The feeling of wanting to stay in bed all the time, not wanting to talk, eat or do anything that makes me active is so annoying. I've lost so many people only to realise that I never had anyone. I am emotionally and mentally available to every single person but to myself? no.  If anyone else does stupid and annoying things..its fine but if I do it then ‘ohmygod ur annoying’. I always say it doesn’t bother me at all but deep inside it hurts quite bad.

My mind is always overthinking about every single moment, and its austere. My parents always say they are there for me but the problem is I never feel like they are. Is it just my mind? Everything confuses me and makes me mad. I try to hide my sadness with anger, I wouldn’t want to seem weak around here.

I feel like the most friendless person right now. I was so happy 3 months ago but as soon as my best friend who was also my boyfriend left, everything came crashing down again. I was falling into the deep end again and now I’m so scared, what if I attempt once more? What if I give up now? 

Now I don’t feel like eating, I don’t feel like getting up from bed, I don’t feel like going to school. I’ve lost all motivation but still there’s a tiny bit of me that’s hoping for me to stay not for others but for me, for my future so if any one of you ever feel like this, please know that you’re not alone, help is available and there is much more in store for you.