Ever wonder why people start to self harm? Is it the thought if it feeling good. The thought of a temporary release? When in all reality cutting turns to something that begins to take over your life. It is something you think about constantly, every day and every night. You say this is the only time or that it is the last time when you really know it's not. It ruins your life, and leaves scars permanent scars. Cutting oneself is a very serious thing and more people do it than you know.

It all happened a few months ago. I just wanted to know what it felt like. I had heard of people doing it before, But I never thought it would get this bad. It was all that I thought about and what I looked forward to every night. My  only escape from the pain I was feeling inside. The sleepless nights wondering if another day was worth it. The hate for the way I looked, having no friends or so I thought. When you get in a state of mind like this you think everyone hates you. You push everyone away, especially the ones who care the most. It's hard because you care about them but you just want to be alone, even when you know you really don't want to be alone. You want to be popular but you know that will never happen. You want to go out and hangout with a bunch of people; to be asked to do things like you see all of the popular people doing, but that never happens. So I just sits at home. I thought of suicide because all of the people who didn't care and said that I am a waste of life or that I am nothing. That I’m a loser girl who would never matter but then thought of my family, my beautiful niece and cousins. My parents and siblings and all of the people who care. Maybe that's why I never did it. The thought of putting more stress on my parents. My parents who never knew what I did. I didn't want them to know either because I knew what the consequences would be. Now I am checked every night. "Let me see your legs, arms, back, stomach and feet". It gets annoying, the scars are still there they check those too and wonder why someone would ever do this to themselves. It was a release, a temporary one, something that turned into an addiction. A few people knew but never her parents. Then one day they saw the cuts,  February 28th. I didn't know that they saw. They didn't say anything until March 2nd. Then once they did it was hard to tell them why. "Why would you do this to yourself"? Was it something we did? You are beautiful, caring, and kind how did you let this happen. “Did we make you mad?" “How Long have you been doing this?" Why didn't you talk to us! This is not right you shouldn't do this. We know you have been drinking. We found the razor and this will never happen again. Promise me this will never happen again. How did this happen? If it happens again we will have to send you away. You know we love you. You're mom hasn't slept for days. You should see what this has done to your dad he doesn't know what to do. Don't listen to them we love you and you are beautiful.
Teens all over the world struggle with depression or become suicidal. They are put through so much or are bullied or don't have the right support system they need. Over 3.2 billion students are victims of bullying each year, approximately 160,000 teens skip school everyday because of bullying. Most of the time teachers never notice anything. School isn't the only place people get bullied. Social media is another big problem in today's society. Thinking that they are better than everyone they post something they think won't bother the other person. A joke, a comment a rumor. That's all it takes to ruin someone's life. The pain a parents or family members have to deal with when they lose a loved one. Every 12.95 minutes an American commits suicide. Ninety percent of those who die because of suicide were diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder. In 2012 firearms were the most common method of suicide. Suffocating was the second most common. Every woman who dies by suicide four men die, women are three times more likely to attempt suicide. Over 40,000 Americans die because if suicide each year. Around 13% of 11-16 year olds will hurt themselves or self harm. Girls are more sought of to self harm while boys are more likely to take their anger out by punching things. Self harm is a symptom of a borderline personality disorder. People with depression, anxiety and substance abuse also may be known to self harm.

I used to not think of anyone who did this and wonder why they did it. But i realized it was an escape to them. The only thing they thought would help. The thought of talking to someone not knowing what to say to them without letting everything go. Maybe that's why people always keep their feelings in. The thought of talking to a random stranger about your problems. About how you hate yourself because you aren't skinny, don't have straight teeth or aren't popular. If my parents wouldn't have found out about me doing this I still would be doing it. My leg is all scared up. I have scars on my hands from where my cat “bit” me.

Alternative school was probably the best thing to happen to me. I got away from most of the troubles for about a year. Then they started again. She don't want to say anything but it was just too much to handle. Not face to face but people being immature behind their computer screens. The thought of not knowing who was posting things about you. Are they friends with me? Do we talk? But I won't ever know I have to wonder who was saying things about me. Im over it now i really dont care what they say anymore. I can’t take the anger out on myself because no matter whose house I stay at they check me. My grandparents don't know. My brother, sister in law, parents and sister know. A few friends also know but that's all. They keep asking me why and they want an explanation and I don't know what to tell them. So I say I don't know because I really don't. It's hard to explain. It was. A way to take my anger and frustration out and then I became addicted because I love/ed the feeling so much.

My mom hasn't seen this paper, I'm not sure if I want her to see it either. She still has a hard time with it. I'm not even sure I want to show you (carollyn) this, But I will. It's been tough thinking about it every night. It's March 16th today and I seen how people would write on they're body where they want to cut. So I tried It and it didn't help at all just made me want to do it more. But that's what happens when you get addicted. Nothing is the same. But that's all I have to write about! Just don't think of me any different  I'm still me. Just one more thing you know about me now.