I can't describe how it felt. My blood ran cold and tears started to well in my eyes as soon as I saw it, but I cannot portray or explain the pain and hopelessness that I felt when I saw their message. I guess to some extent I always knew that was how they felt, but to see it written in blue ink, plain on my locker, brought it all to light. It was like all the cruelty they had put me through suddenly came to light in about two seconds. Shadows were cast over the words as I tried to process them as a crowd of kids from my class gathered to see what the commotion was about. No one pulled me away or tried to comfort me. The people I considered my friends just looked at me sadly. The ones who I knew didn't like me, although I didn't know why, snickered at my pain under their breaths. I didn't here any of them, just the pounding of rushing blood in my ears. I thought I was going to be sick. They meant this. They wanted me to do the unspeakable, the thing that I had thought about but never truly considered. Not only did I want to disappear, but they wanted me gone too. Did that mean I should do it? Would it really be better for everyone if I was gone? I guess so. I wouldn't be in pain. My mother wouldn't have to deal with fighting the school system for me any more. My peers wouldn't have to deal with going to school with an "emo freak." My friends wouldn't have to put up with my constant sadness and whining about my own awful life. It was true. The message they had written on my locker in blue marker was true. What they had written was five words that have stayed with me for years: "No one wants you here." As soon as I saw it and processed it, I rubbed the still-wet ink with my sleeve through my tears. The words were now gone, but still a blue mark remained where the cruel message had been. Maybe the message wasn't there, but the meaning was. The "meaning" was there on my locker the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. It was there every day for the rest of the school year to remind me of how my peers felt about me, despite my constant complaints to my teachers. They said they'd take care of it, they'd tell a custodian. They never did. I bet if I went back there today I would see that blue smudge there on my locker, a reminder that no one wants me here.
I wish I could say that I didn't let it get to me, that I dried my tears and walked away. I didn't. I put up with being a punching bag for a few more months before finally switching classes. I still had the same locker, but things did get better. I found comfort in friends and family. I've realizes that people love me, and people want me here, to be by their side. Still, I look back on that day when those cowards wrote their feelings on my locker. I was hurt, and I gave into the pain, but I never gave into their wishes. I'm glad I gave them the satisfaction of seeing my tears. It's the most satisfaction they ever got from me. What they didn't expect was for a girl to emerge from that, one who wouldn't take bullying after that year and would stand up for herself and her friends. Yes, no bullies want me here, because I am one of the people who can, and will, put an end to their reign of terror.
And guess what?
You are too.