Shower | Teen Ink


February 12, 2013
By AudrithMcfarland SILVER, Milwaukie, Oregon
AudrithMcfarland SILVER, Milwaukie, Oregon
7 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"One day I'll be something. And it'll be the last thing I'll ever be."

Staring at the ceiling waiting, waiting. Going through the list of people to make sure you didn't forget a single one in that note you wrote f*** it though, those same people you writing to could have saved you too. They didn't know.
Damn, thoughts racing, head starts spinning. Why the hell am I in this situation!? Must of started in the 7th grade, those kids can be so cruel trying to drown me in the apartment pool. They made me hate myself more than I could ever hate someone else. Screamin’ “what's wrong with me how could a God create a child so f*in' ugly?!” Spit at my mirror and kick myself down, only to find I’d become something else something I never wanted to be look in the glass all I see is lonely
How'd I let this happen. Thinkin’ that some pills and a few deep breaths would be the answer. Smoke every night just to let it float away. Every morning waking up, prayin' I wasn't! Wake up drink just chug, chug, pass out. Anything to keep the pain from pouring out, but this time, I found something new instead a razor, how'd that get under my bed? At first it was just a stroke to see if I would bleed then suddenly you never wanna leave, long sleeves in the summer from splitting up your wrists but whatcha supposed to do roll that s*** up? Naw gotta keep it hid.
When my best friend ran away I was only 13. Tried not to cry but s*** how could you leave? I needed someone to be there for me while I figure it out, instead I spent the nights figuring what these scars were all about yeah, I could name every single one. Only peace I was gettin’ was from the thought of a gun. You only see the scars under hot water. Ironic? Considering that's what I'm drowning in, why I'm so chronic.
But what gets you more then anything, divorce, loss, drugs and money, is the loneliness we create for ourselves. Eating away at every inch left of your torn shattered skin. That feeling when tears are swelling up in your eyes are the best things get, and no one except everyone can fix it. Screaming, crying wishing I was f*ing dying well I got my wish now you’ll all see, this is the only thing left in me.
Head stops spinning and thoughts decrease. Ceiling fades and all the lights come to cease, the pills kickin’ in in less than an hour, I guess that's what its like to end it in the shower.

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