I was sitting in the the dining room of my paralyzed grandmother, my home. It had peeling pink wallpaper and crosses littered across the walls. I had brought my boyfriend, Cal over and made him mac and cheese.
I had known him since I was 17 at the rehab center I was interning at, by far the cutest opioid addict I had ever seen. After he got clean we started dating on and off and well I...love him. it’s been five years since I met him and two since my death sentence of living with my grandma. I hate her. I’d never tell anyone out of fear but she’s a horrid woman who’s done horrid, unforgivable things to me. But she’s my responsibility and my barbie doll to dress up in the morning. For that maybe I’m glad.
“So where’s nana now?”
Cal said with a bit of condensation in his voice between bites of mac and cheese.
“She’s sleeping”
I said Cal slouched over and left the table sighing “I’m going to the bathroom”
A stillness fell over the room as I heard him lock the door. I walked over and up the creaking stairs to walk into my grandmother’s room. I remember myself a small, frail ten year old girl on a November day. She hit me when I shut up and she hit me when I talked. She welcomed me with open arms but within hours we were back at each other’s throats. I played with her hair now. she was nothing but a still doll. Who I moved the jaw of to eat. Suddenly my reminiscing was cut off when I heard a loud thump in the bathroom. I rushed downstairs to see Cal laying down on the floor.
“What are you doing??”
I screamed at him diving down onto the floor putting his head in my lap. He was as pale as a ghost and his eyes were as wide as saucers.
“Oh I’m fine, I promise”
He was slurring his speech and nodding off. I saw something in the bathroom it was bottle of pills, pills I had forgotten to hide from the medicine cabinet.
“Ha fine? I don’t think so”
I walked over to the bottle in the bathroom reading the label. Xanax. Just like I thought. He suddenly ran over to me snatching the bottle out of my hand.
“Shut up!”
Not thinking I pushed him to the ground it made a sudden bang. I regretted my move right after doing it. He grabbed me and pulled me down with him. “Cal!” I screamed. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters” I hated when he did this to me. I’m always the one left to clean up his pieces. I got up brushing of my clothes and giving Cal my best nurse look. “Where are you going?” he yelled still very much out of it. I felt like his mother, I shouldn’t feel like his mother. He got up stumbling towards me to the stars following me into my grandmother’s room. He took my wrists and held them as hard as he could “V?” he asked. V was his nickname for me. My real name was Veronica but to him I was always V. I looked away coldly trying to keep my composure near my bed ridden grandmother. “Yeah?” I shot back. “You know I love you, you know that right?”  he shook me as he uttered his words, he rattled me hard enough to leave bruises on my wrists where he held them. I glanced over at my grandmother, she could hear me. “Do you know that?” He asked even more forcefully now “Because sometimes I don’t think you know that, I’m not your patient you can’t treat me like one.”  he said yelling with a deep voice “I don’t think of you as a patient, Cal… I just think there’s more to life than getting high. I don’t think you’ve learned that quite yet. You’re- you’re wasting your life”  he shook his head and let go of my wrists glancing over at my grandma and then up to be with destain. “I’m wasting my life, huh?” he said gazing deep into my eyes. He was filled with pain. “You know I could end this for you I know how much you hate this life. How much you hate... her. I know all about it. I could flick a match and end it all. Then it wouldn’t matter” I savored his words. They felt good going down but left a after taste. “C’mon V, do something taboo for once in your life. Let’s end this fight.” he said in a nearly poetic tone. I was conflicted but after a long silence. I had decided. “let’s end this” i said. he smiled and used his lighter in his pocket to set fire to the ground. I was gitty, almost happy.he adrenaline pumped I hated it. See ya, i thought to my grandmother, now she’s going to be dead inside and out. At that moment when he was dragging me down the stairs laughing I didn’t feel a thing. When we were pushed out of the door and saw a bright red light from the upstairs room I smiled softly. Yeah there’s nothing more real than fire. as me and cal walked down the steep hill and down to his car. We sat on the hood and watched for what seemed like hours. My hand enlaced with his. “Did we kill her?” I asked just now noticing our impulsive anti-climactic choices. “I think so.” he responded. His voice was very warm for a murderer. I could tell he was coming down from his high.
“Was that the right decision?”
I questioned once again looking up into his eyes feeling the heat come of off the old pink house. He swallowed hard.
“I want it to be”
He said. He gestured to the car door signaling me to get in. He was tearing up, and I wasn’t . “C’mon it’ll be fine we’ll be like ugh… Mickey and Mallory.” He said only half to reassure himself. Mickey and Mallory? Ok I guess I can live with that. “As long as we have gas we’ll be fine” I told him putting my head on his shoulder taking one final look at the house and it’s spreading flames. In the middle of nowhere like this we wouldn’t be caught. He laughed to himself
“You know what they say, live fast, live hard and die by any combination of those two”
He started speeding off onto the road. Leaving the house and our past.
These are the best years of our lives.
I thought.