Dear Jasper,

I’m sorry it had to end like this. I did love you. I loved your soft skin and thin brown hair. I loved the brown eyes that stared up at me and whispering things of my own. I loved watching you sleep in those little pajamas with the yellow ducks and white cloud like sheep bouncing too and fro. I did love you jasper. But when the crying started my whole world went into panic. I was caring to your needs every second of every day. Does Jasper need to be fed? Does Jasper need his diaper changed? Does Jasper need a nap? Everything was about you. There was not one second since you were born that has been about me. The lack of sleep has drove me insane. Mean while your father lays sound asleep because of the job he has to work in the morning. Why couldn’t he leave his job? I had a perfectly good life before you came around. Your father should have stayed home. Then you wouldn’t have ended up like this.
I did love you jasper but the incessant crying never seemed to stop. Only when you were asleep did you seem like an angel. I cared for you. I picked up the spilled cheerios from the kitchen floor for you to throw them back down again. It’s like you enjoyed watching me squirm.It wasn’t all me. It was you too. The biting and the crying right as I was going to fall asleep. Im sorry it ended like this,
With love,
your mother

I was told I was barren when I was twenty nine. That was the saddest day of my life. Ever since I was seven I had dreams of a big family. I didn’t grow up with a big family and I was always very lonely. I would play in my room for hours by myself. My parents were too caught up in their work to even know I existed. I didn’t want that type of life for my children.I dreamt of my children often. Two girls, Louise and Emily, and two boys, Ethan and Jasper. We would all live in a big house in the suburbs, my husband, my children and I. We would be happy.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t go how you plan. My husband Adam reassured me that it was going to be alright after that doctors appointment. He coddled me in his big arms saying that there were other ways to have children. But I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
Soon after, we contacted a adoption agency. I didn’t want to adopt from another country. That sounds selfish, but I wanted a child that could resemble me in some way.  After filling out all the paperwork and being interviewed by the agency we waited, and waited and waited. It was one year when our little miracle happened. After constant morning sickness I decided to check, and sure enough a little green plus sign stared back up at me. My face brightened with joy as I screamed with happiness for Adam. We celebrated with sparkling apple cider and a pot roast for dinner. That was one of the happiest moments of my life.
Nine long months later, as well as whole lot of screaming and pushing and shouting, little Jasper was born. His soft skin felt like heaven. His hair a thin light brown. But my favorite thing about Jasper was his eyes, they whispered something of my own. I snuggled him in my arms, skin touching skin. We brought him home in baby blue blanket that was wrapped neatly around his small fragile body. Everything about him was small and fragile. Just one thing could break him.
The first few weeks Adam took off work to help with the baby while I mostly cooked and cleaned. I decided to leave my job in sales to care for the sweet little angel. While Adam was helping, everything was fine. But once he left to go back to work I was overwhelmed. Every second was dedicated to the reassurance that your needs were tended to. Does Jasper need to be fed? Does Jasper need a nap? Does Jasper need his diaper changed? Not one moment was dedicated to my needs. I think I got a total of six hours of sleep per week.
It was about two months since he was born when I think I truly went insane. The crying never seemed to stop. Even when it did end, there was this constant ringing in my ears. I imagined how life would be if Jasper was never born. I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but sometimes I questioned if I even loved this child. This human was the worst miracle ever to happen. In my dreams when I was a child, I was a great mother. I loved all of my children in my dreams and all of them loved me. But in this reality I am forced to live, it isn’t turning out as I had planned.
It was a summer night when the accident happened. Well I like to think of it as an accident even if I know it’s not the truth. The heat rose from the pavement and stuck to your skin. I was in a tank top and underwear, with my hair loosely tied back. Sweat dripped from the sides of my face. It was nearly eight and Adam wasn’t home yet. The baby was the only one who had eaten and gotten any sleep today. Jasper reeked in need of yet another  bath. I stripped him down and put him in one of those small baby baths that people are supposed to put in the kitchen sink. I fill it and added the baby soap. I carry his soft and fragile body over to the small tub. He starts to cry. And cry. And cry. I think my brain is going to burst.
“ I’m just trying to bathe you,” I yell.
He doesn’t listen. That stupid baby. I was just trying to help him. I use the little yellow wash cloth and run it over his little head. I dunk his head back into the water. A wave a anger flashes over me. My hands feel sweaty and my face turns a hot red. Instead of bringing little Jasper back up, my hands freeze. Containing his little body under water.
“I was just trying to bathe you,” I whisper.
The water finally drowns out his cries. I feel a sense of relief. I look at the little body, Jaspers eyes stare back up at me. I always did like his eyes.