I’ve done it a million times, I remind myself. It’s nothing new, nothing unique. I’m not afraid of this; I refuse to be afraid of this. There is no reason, no justification, whatsoever. Despite my efforts, my psyche doesn’t respond to logic, bony knees only growing more determined in their incessant shaking. A coward, a coward, I’m such a coward…

            The self-inflicted insult does nothing to spur me on. It is still terrifying. I am still scared.

            It’s only water. Cold, quiet, crystalline peace, untouched and still in its beauty. I’ve always loved water. When you sink deep enough…the silence is godly, indisputable. As true as life and day, as concrete as continuance. No words, no cries, no worries.

            But now? My savior, my haven holds a serrated knife at my throat. All false senses of safety will shatter on touch. There will be no more peace for me, just unrelenting chaos. Maybe, I’m already there.

            Just shut up, shut up, shut up. It needs to be done, and I have to do it. Wail as I’d like, it’s not optional. There is no way out. No way to weasel my freedom back. Only doing it now, or pushing it off, and paying for it, tenfold, later. Just dive, dive…

            C’mon! Weakling, coward, you disgusting wrench. Unlock your knees, relax your muscles. If I must, I will not make it worse.

            Breathe In.

                        Breathe Out.

            Is it my last breathe…?

                        Breathe In.

            Forget the fear.

                        I must. I must. I must…

            And so, I do. Eyes clutched tight, I welcome the darkness of my mind, as it chases the terrible light of the outside. Emotions are raw, primal in the seconds before impact. Thoughts struggle to form, caught in the thickening web of adrenaline. How long will I be stuck like this…frozen, frozen, outright petrified. I want freedom, I want…

            The water is daggers are slicing through my skin, mercilessly ripping through muscles with their icy sharpness. Body convulsing in the cold, I know I won’t last long. The frost is gathering in my joints, freezing my veins solid. Even the burning urge to breathe is dulled by the ice.

            Suddenly, I am tired.

                        So, so tired.

            I want sleep…

            No, no! Stay awake. Remember, remember, remember. Who I am, where I am, why I did this…Why is it so hard to keep my memories, keep who I am…?

            Why is it so hard to remember…

                        Why can’t I remember…

                                    What am I trying to remember…

            Hmm…The waters so warm. Gentle, loving, it’s like the sea is hugging me. It caresses my skin, its swirling current kindly drifting along. The sun reaches through the water, warping in twinkling fractals on and within the surface. I could stay here, forever. My throat twitches, a patient reminder to surface soon. Sighing internally, I kick to the surface, greeting salty air with a smile.

            There’s a nagging voice at the back of my mind.

                        Remember…

            But, right now…I really don’t want to.