I'm Sorry | Teen Ink

I'm Sorry

August 21, 2014
By Creative-Writer BRONZE, Mesa, Arizona
Creative-Writer BRONZE, Mesa, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
We know what we are, but know not what we may be. -William Shakespeare


I looked out the window of a house we just moved in. "Ugh", I complained, "we have no neighbors!" I shook my head and glanced at my mom. "Nothing is ever good enough for you, Shyanne, is it?", She complained right back. I huffed at her and looked at the sunny sky outside. "Whatever," is all I had to say. Instantly, my mom pulled me away from the window and smacked me. "Get away from me you - you monster!" I furiously yelled at her. Her only action was letting me go. I ran outside the house, and immediately the bright sky turned foggy ad dark. I glanced around and went to go back inside but the house had disappeared. I ran the direction my house should be. I went on for miles before I burst into tears. "MOM!" I screamed wishing nothing had happened. I ran on further and further but nothing was there. I turned around. I was lost. I couldn't figure out where I was. I didn't know which direction to go, so I just ran. I started off in a sprint but before I could reach a full speedy run, I stood in the middle of a creepy road. Both directions seemed identical. I didn't care, I just started going one way. I walked instead of running to save my energy and catch my breath. I started to cry, I wanted to blame it all on my mom. It was her fault I ran out the door. The stinging sensation was still on my cheek. It felt like I had been walking a full day. The sun never came up...well, I mean it never even went down. Out of nowhere in the far distance I could make out.... was that a mailbox? "Wait!" I yelled, "that's my mailbox!" By the time I reached it I was panting for air. Examining the numbers I made sure it was my mailbox. I ran into the driveway that was hidden by trees, but what I saw was not at all the house we moved into. It wasn't even a house. I fell to my knees and stared sobbing. "WHY?!" I lifted my head long enough to look at all the gravestones in the foggy graveyard. Hours passed but I didn't move, instead I stayed there and wasted my tears. "Mom, I'm sorry!" I wailed into the cold air. But just then, just at that moment a wolf let out its threatening howl. I wiped away the tears that still came, and stood up. The pain that shot through my stiff legs didn't come close to the feeling that rushed into my head. Suddenly, my heartbeat raised rapidly as if it were going to burst. Something else's presence filled the air. Weakly, I walked further into the graveyard. "Is there any...anyone else here?" Nothing responded or leaped out at me, not even the faintest noise was made. I continued, lost, terrified, and confused, down the graveyard's path. Panic raced through my nerves when a low growl arose behind me. I could see the wolf standing behind me. The look of hunger in its eyes stamped itself in my mind. I started sprinting through the maze of gravestones. "GO AWAY!" I screamed as a pain struck my side, causing me to slow down. I thought I could get farther, but instead, I tripped. Just as I spotted the wolf, it was only fourteen or fifteen feet away from me. Tears fled my face as I tried to get up, but only fell. I pulled my knees up to my chin. "Go away" I whispered. The wolf's bright yellow eyes stared at me as it crept closer. It was in reaching distance but all I could do was close my eyes and cry. The hot humid air blew on my face. The creatures breath smelled of raw rabbit and blood. Slowly, I opened my eyes but it was gone. No trace the wolf was ever there. No paw prints were left behind, but I knew it was there. I wiped the moisture that was left on my cheek away and looked around. I don't know why but I expected to see it somewhere. Nothing, the only thing there was fog. Not even gravestones. But the pain on my side was so intense, I had to grab it as I stood up. Everything felt so unreal, like a game, or movie, a story even. It seemed like a whole week had passed. I tried to remember nothing, but something stood out in my head. Like when my mother pulled me from the window, when her hand landed across my face. The look in her eyes. I stumbled over a rock and fell in a ditch. A ditch?? I climbed out of the sunken ground and set my eyes on the old, lonely house I so hated. Joy filled the air for a second but when I placed my hand on the door knob, I knew it wasn't right. The door swung open with a groan, but the place was trashed. Nothing was left standing but an old antique stove and even it was ruined. I was starving, weak, and homesick, but all I wanted was to see my mom's smile. Something I never wanted before, the same thing I used to hate to see. I left the trash everywhere and exited the house. To my surprise when I walked out, the fog lifted and the sun shined bright. Everything seemed normal and birds chirped around me. I looked into the window of the house behind me and seen my mother standing there. "MOM!" tears fell from my cheeks as excitement raced through the air. I ran back through the door, where my home was and fell into her arms. "Mom, I missed you!, I'm so sorry!, I love you!" She looked at me confused, "Dear, you were only gone a few minutes" she wiped away my tears, "you never left the porch."


The author's comments:

i originaly wrote this for a contest, but i didnt finish it in time. i am open to opinions, and maybe to inspire others.


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This article has 15 comments.


on Oct. 6 2014 at 8:06 am
AutumnMoon BRONZE, Lebanon, Maine
3 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We see our better selves in the eyes of those who love us." -Cassandra Clare

Overall, I enjoyed this piece. There were a few minor spelling errors that I believe you will pick up on if you read it ove ragain. Try reading out loud if that helps. I liked all of the plot twists, but some of it seemes a bit choppy. I think you need to go back and transition between the things that the girl is experiencing a little bit better. Other than those two things, I liked this a lot. Good job!

on Oct. 2 2014 at 1:10 pm
theblondechick GOLD, Kingsport, Tennessee
14 articles 0 photos 104 comments

Favorite Quote:
I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life.
And I am horribly limited.
-Sylvia Path

You're welcome. :) Happy writing!

on Oct. 2 2014 at 9:32 am
Extraterrestrial SILVER, Singapore, Other
9 articles 4 photos 66 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it's a plan!"

Oh, that is a very creepy ending. I'm afraid that my comments will be pretty much the same as your other readers, though... separate the text and start a new paragraph when someone is speaking, because frankly huge walls of text may scare some people or cause distractions. I also think your story could've had better flow. It's all very abrupt -- for example, the mother smacking Shyanne just like that, and Shyanne's subsequent retort seems forced and unnatural. You could do with some background, or at least why they're acting that way. While a fast-paced tone is good for stories like these, it can seem too fast and choppy. Try to show more than tell (sorry, I'm basically just repeating what everyone else said). Give the reader information, but let us draw our own conclusions instead of outright saying that your character was terrified, afraid, etc. You also have several minor mistakes. For instance, punctuation marks belong inside quotation marks ("Ugh", I complained should be "Ugh," I complained). Also, you only need one punctuation mark at a time, so there's no need for commas after a question mark. These are all small, technical errors, though. Nothing a good re-read or editing won't fix. You definitely have potential, so I mean this in the best way possible when I say that you can definitely do better. So I'll be waiting for your other story to go online!

on Oct. 1 2014 at 10:00 pm
Creative-Writer BRONZE, Mesa, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
We know what we are, but know not what we may be. -William Shakespeare

I am very happy to know that my article is good.  Thank you for reading it, and replying to me.  I will definatly have to work on the paragraphs, and find my mistakes.  I will try to add more of my Character's main thought's.  I really apreciate(if that's how you spell it) your opinions, and kind words!

on Oct. 1 2014 at 9:56 pm
Creative-Writer BRONZE, Mesa, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
We know what we are, but know not what we may be. -William Shakespeare

Thank you!  reading all of your guy's comment's really made me happy.  I really do like having feed back, and knowing how to make my article better.  And thank you for sharing your opinion on the paragraphs.  I will have to work on that too.  Thank you again!

on Oct. 1 2014 at 9:49 pm
Creative-Writer BRONZE, Mesa, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
We know what we are, but know not what we may be. -William Shakespeare

Thank you.  and thank you for reading my story.  I am happy you are pleased.

on Sep. 30 2014 at 7:53 pm
Kestrel135 PLATINUM, Waterford, Connecticut
43 articles 0 photos 256 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Respect existence or expect resistance"

Nice! This was a fun read. I love the twist ending - it was truly wonderful, and definitely makes the reader pause. The story was interesting, and you had a good tone throughout the piece. Although, as Emilile7 said, I do agree that this could use paragraphing. It would help keep the reader from getting lost in the lines. I also felt that it was moving a little quickly, and that you could have possibly elaborated further on what the main character was thinking. It's probably just me - I'm one of those writers who soaks up extra and sometimes unneccessary details like a sponge - but maybe drop a few more sentences on what is running through the character's head. Those are only minor issues, though, and nothing a quick edit can't fix. Overall, this was a great piece! You had some wonderful ideas and a brilliant twist ending that I loved. Well done, and keep writing!!

on Sep. 30 2014 at 12:40 pm
Emilile7 BRONZE, Lincoln, California
1 article 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Elaine S. Dalton - “Don’t let the low standards and expectations of the world and others cause you to aim beneath your nobility and ability—dream big! What I know and have learned is that anything worth doing is not easy and that we can do anything that is not easy if we believe.”

Good job!! There were some minor mistakes and I think a good reread of the piece would help with that. And I had a hard time sometimes following along, I would get distracted because there were no paragraphs. Using paragraphs will help showcase the different ideas and will also help the different situations flow better, in my opinion. The changes in scence will make more sense and flow more easily.      Over all though I really liked the idea and what the mother said in the end, that girl has a crazy imagination. I think you are doing a good job explaining how we can change our emotions and decisions quickly when we figure out something matters more than a fight, etc. I liked your work, keep it up :) 

Catcher GOLD said...
on Sep. 29 2014 at 10:36 pm
Catcher GOLD, Edinburg, Texas
14 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
I can't explain what I mean, and even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it.

I had the same thoughts about this piece. It was very enjoyable to read, and I'm a fan of plot twists. My only suggestion is the same theblondechick's. This particular piece was written in a very direct way, and it's nice to feel the atmosphere instead of having this blatant image laid out for you. I wouldn't say this really distracted from the overall quality of your work, but you should consider practicing describing events in a more delicate way and see where that takes you. I really enjoyed it! 

on Sep. 29 2014 at 7:44 pm
theblondechick GOLD, Kingsport, Tennessee
14 articles 0 photos 104 comments

Favorite Quote:
I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life.
And I am horribly limited.
-Sylvia Path

Wow! That was quiet the rollercoaster. First she is lost, then the wolf, then the gravestones, and then woah plot twist! It kept me on my toes. The only thing I suggest is that you trying showing me what's happening instead of just telling me. "I continued,lost, terrified, and confused, down the graveyard's path." Instead of saying lost, terrified, and confused, could you have described how each of those made her feel? The reader will figure it out without it being spelt out for them. If that makes sense. With all that said, I did enjoy the peice. I could easily seen it be turned into a short film of some sort. I loved its eerines and the lesson about loving your mom.  It's a shame you missed your deadline! You might have won!

on Sep. 29 2014 at 5:47 pm
Icithra PLATINUM, Arlington, Massachusetts
26 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer

Nice story, I really liked the mood. Very creepy and emotional. I never settled down, emotionally, as I read it. It was dramatic, and I really liked that. Good ending, too. 

on Sep. 29 2014 at 3:44 pm
Creative-Writer BRONZE, Mesa, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
We know what we are, but know not what we may be. -William Shakespeare

Caramel_Shades: Thank you!  Lol. yesterday I read some of your work, and its brilliant! I planned on reading more of it today.  It seems we wright simularly.  and that is cool.  thank you for reading my article.  and I am very glad you enjoyed it. :)

on Sep. 29 2014 at 3:16 pm
Xena_Zionne GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
16 articles 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe

WOW!. it's so weird because we have the same titles yet they share different scenarios. tis is very suspenceful. (i hope i spelled that right) I enjoyed reading it. A new reminder of the quote "you may never know when you're going to lose someone." -Caramel Kisses

on Sep. 28 2014 at 8:24 pm
Creative-Writer BRONZE, Mesa, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
We know what we are, but know not what we may be. -William Shakespeare

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed It. I am sorry It took so long for me to reply.

Obi-Wan BRONZE said...
on Aug. 27 2014 at 9:10 pm
Obi-Wan BRONZE, Bel Air, Maryland
2 articles 0 photos 15 comments
This is soo cool, i loved it :D