From in the Bed | Teen Ink

From in the Bed

September 14, 2013
By EbonyKnight BRONZE, Gothenburg, Nebraska
EbonyKnight BRONZE, Gothenburg, Nebraska
1 article 2 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"People, I've discovered, are like layers of secrets. You believe you know them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts. You will never know them, but sometimes, you decide to trust them.

-Veronica Roth


There was nothing to today except stay home sick. It was monday and I had a fever. My parents, being overprotective as it is, I had to stay home though my temperature was only a few degrees higher than normal. Man I would give nearly anything to be taking my final semester test today. It was the biggest test of the year.

I couldn't even get up because my mom was at my bedside, every time I'm home sick, which has taken up half the semester already. Today was no exception. Then her cell rang, calling her to the office. I silently said thank you to her boss, and as soon as she left, I went downstairs to get my nintendo.

The game in it was boring, but it was a game. Stupid barbie game. My parents said that every other game would scare me, but really, what scares me is how much they're concerned. I should be at school taking my two hour exam and getting way better grades than I already had. Even my friends thought I was stupid because of my grades. I have no A's or B's, I don't even have any C's. And that says a lot about my grades.

I raced back upstairs and flopped onto my bed and finished yesterday's assignments that had nothing to do with the testing that I was supposed to be doing. Oh, math, i would love to find your x. I might even figure out y while I'm at it. I love those jokes about math that I can actually make fun of by saying the exact opposite. It was my kind of humor that no one else got.

"Aww man." My homework didn't keep me occupied for long, it ended almost as soon as I got it out. I even went extra slow to make it last longer, but it really didn't. I then got my nintendo and fished a game, that my friend lent me called "GTA Chinatown Wars", from under my mattress. But as I tried to take my hand out from under the mattress, I felt something grab my wrist. It was like a human hand, but it couldn't be, there was no one on the other side of the bed, and how could someone hide between the mattresses without me knowing? I let out a scream and yanked with all my might, but found that the harder I pulled, the further I was pulled in.

Pretty soon, my head was submerged between the cushions. I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to see myself suffocate from the lack of oxygen, the thought of that made me hold my breath. I wasn't about to let myself die of suffocation. I heard a sound. I heard a...a voice! In this heat? Between my extra-spring mattresses? I doubted it was possible.

Soon enough my feet were submerged, but my head should have come out on the other side. I couldn't hold my breath anymore, so I let it out and prepared for the lack of air that should have befallen me, ...but didn't. The voices got louder and louder until it sounded like grunts and deep gruff words that couldn't possibly be real. My back hit something hard like a wooden pole, that's actually what it felt like. Then something like rope was tying me to the thing touching my back. I slowly, but surely, opened my eyes to a bonfire and cavemen looking creatures, the only difference was that they had horns instead of hair. And loincloths, (thank heavens). Some of them looked like female versions too. There was one in particular that stood out among the rest.

He looked like the others except he was fat, while the others were bone thin. His horns looked like they could weigh down a moose, and He had a bone vest. His teeth were sharper than a piranha's. The others were shriveled up wraiths whose horns were as small as twigs and their teeth were as dull as, well, as normal people have there teeth.

"Welcome to the Boogie Clan, young Christine." The fat one said. His words were slurred like a drunken man's after being intoxicated a million times over, only much sharper. "I expect you to be grateful to being separated from our parents!" He shouted and chucked a bone plate the size of one of those display posters at Walmart. It must've weighed a ton.

"Thanks. For taking me from my parents. Wait did you say 'our parents'?" The overgrown-wart-looking thing just growled and glared at me as the others screeched.

"We is welcoming you, and you question our rescue!?"

"No. No. I'm just wondering why you said 'our' instead of 'your'. Do you even have a name?"

"You don't ask questions. I ask questions! I is your brother, we is your brothers and sisters. My name Luke. Best sister name Anna." One of the woman looking wraiths moved toward him, she was just a little girl, I think. There was no telling. Luke smacked her away. "That young name Sleuth. She Anna and I's young. Sleuth heir."

"Whoa whoa whoa! You had a kid with your own sister?! That is disgusting, dude!"

"Duh...dude?" he cocked his head. The others followed suit.

"Ya, ...dude. How old are you?"

Luke's eyes softened, though I didn't know why. "I not know how old. I never learned to count. So I not know. But now we eats!!!!!!!!!" They cheered as if they hadn't eaten in decades. The last thing I saw was them dashing for me, gnawing on my legs and hands. I cried out in pain until all I saw was the inside of Luke's shark-like mouth. Then nothing could have heard me unless you counted the sounds of my raw flesh.



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This article has 7 comments.


on Dec. 7 2013 at 1:11 am
EbonyKnight BRONZE, Gothenburg, Nebraska
1 article 2 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"People, I've discovered, are like layers of secrets. You believe you know them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts. You will never know them, but sometimes, you decide to trust them.

-Veronica Roth

Thanx, glad u liked it, and thanx for the feedback too, i really just wrote it from off the top of my head so that's probably why it was kinda sloppy in those areas. thanx again. @u@

on Dec. 7 2013 at 1:09 am
EbonyKnight BRONZE, Gothenburg, Nebraska
1 article 2 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"People, I've discovered, are like layers of secrets. You believe you know them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts. You will never know them, but sometimes, you decide to trust them.

-Veronica Roth

thanx, i just wrote it from the top of my head cause i wuz bored, thats probably why it seemed to end like that and had stilted sentences. but even so, im glad you liked it and i'll try to fix it in any way that i can. thanx again for da feedback, i really appreciate it. @u@

GreyGirl ELITE said...
on Oct. 31 2013 at 2:28 am
GreyGirl ELITE, Pohang,Kyungbuk, Other
170 articles 122 photos 391 comments
This story shows a lot of creative promise, but it is not executed very well. I write a lot of short fiction,so I see what you were going for, but the ending was too abrupt. Not in a good way abrupt, but like you rushed to finish. Also, some of the phrasing was stilted and overall, you could go over and improve your sentences. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I want to help you because this could be an awesome story. I love the creepiness. Keep at it! :D

on Sep. 20 2013 at 8:44 am
EbonyKnight BRONZE, Gothenburg, Nebraska
1 article 2 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"People, I've discovered, are like layers of secrets. You believe you know them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts. You will never know them, but sometimes, you decide to trust them.

-Veronica Roth

thanx, i really appreciate the honest feedback, i write for the thrill of being corrected sometimes. Thanx again.

on Sep. 19 2013 at 6:18 pm
BlackbeltJames GOLD, Reading, Other
14 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
Isaac Asimov - "Intelligence is an accident of evolution, and not necessarily an advantage.”

Creepy and a little bit weird. I feel like there should have been a little more back story, but flash fiction and short stories do cut this out sometimes. I try to stay realistic with my pieces, or explainng the unusual. It was very different and you portrayed the lack of intelligence in the cave men quite well. You could have developed the setting better though as there was literally nothing. The descriptions of the characters was good, and you captured the personality of the mother very well. However, when there was suspense it was spoiled with long sentences. Try to make small and shorter sentences for those intence moments when something sudden happens, it gives a much better effect.Although it is in first person, try not to sound like you are talking too much, make it sound like the character, but don't make it informal like you were talking to a friend; theres nothing wrong with them talking to themselves, narrating on their own life.
It is a decent piece, and with a few tweaks it can be much better. :)

on Sep. 19 2013 at 4:26 pm
EbonyKnight BRONZE, Gothenburg, Nebraska
1 article 2 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"People, I've discovered, are like layers of secrets. You believe you know them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts. You will never know them, but sometimes, you decide to trust them.

-Veronica Roth

Actually, he ate her face. thanx, glad u luved it.

on Sep. 19 2013 at 4:04 pm
JoyMason PLATINUM, Arapahoe, Nebraska
25 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
You, he who subdued me, be not insolent, forget not the beauty of virtue.

WHOA!!!!!! in other words, Luke ate her at the end? Dude, that's freaky. Awesome work!!!!!!!!! LUVED IT!!!!!!