My innocence was taken at the age of twelve. I still have nightmares about that night. I can smell his breath, mint and cherries; I see his face, leaning in, his eyes searching for some glimmer that I might want this as much as him; I hear his ragged voice telling me “shh…it’s all going to be ok…only a few minutes…that’s all I’m asking for.” My heart is racing. I know exactly what is happening yet I cannot stop him. He’s bigger, stronger, more desperate then I had ever been. He tells me he will be gentle if I don’t cry out. Even if I had something to say, my dry mouth would not permit me uttering a single word. It was dark and I couldn’t quite make out his face, but those eyes…something familier. He slipped his hands underneath my shirt. I cringed away but he held my arms fast and steady. He undid my clasp. Everything was slipping away under his touch. I was sweating, but I grew cold as the seconds passed. The cold air chilled me to the bone. He threw off my shoes and socks. Nothing seemed to stop his hurried, determined persistence. I stiffened as he dropped each garment into a pile of my clothing next to us. He stroked my cheek in what he must have thought was a soothing manner, tipped my head back and began to kiss my neck.


He left me lying there. He did not bother to re-cloth me, not that it really mattered. I had gone numb to the cold ground, numb to the entirety of my surroundings. My body felt as if it no longer belonged to me. I looked at my fingers. They moved. Was I doing that or was it of their own accord? No matter. Me, or what was left of me, dragged its aching limbs up into a standing position. The clothes next to me were soiled. I was no longer the girl who had worn them minutes before. I looked around once more, remembering the pain, the anger, the sorrow this place had just inflicted upon me.


I walked back to my brother’s car. He must be off with some of his friends. Thankfully, his keys were left in the ignition. It was unlike him to be quite so careless. I stood there staring at the car. Was I worthy of trying to step back into my old place of being? A large bolt of lightning made the decision for me and I slowly made my way into the passenger seat. There was a blanket in the back seat and I swaddled my aching body into its soft folds. Sleep over came me and the next thing I remember was Jonah throwing open his car door with a burst of laughter from his friends. He glanced at me in the backseat nervously, probably thinking I was still asleep. He said his goodbyes, which usually consisted of a lot of back smacking, knuckle punches, and finally inched his way into the driver ’s seat.


As his car pulled away from the curb, I sat up and looked at him. In the rear - view mirror, all I could make out were his eyes.


“Jonah. I know it was you.”