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Beep...
Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Then again, where she was stayed black at all times. She knew she was not alone; she was almost never alone. Where there were not voices or the soft scratching of a pencil, the constant beeping surrounded her. That beep, that steady beep haunted her day and night. She did not understand why. There was something condemning, mysterious, almost malicious about that beep, something wrong with it. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts, low, muffled. What was the voice saying? She could not make it out. It was important; she could feel it. She had to know what the voice was saying, needed to know. Should she say something? Could she say something? Speak up! She heard footsteps; one two three people. Mom? Dad? More mumbling. Was that a gasp? Mom! Someone was…crying? The footsteps were coming closer, the crying coming closer. What was going on? The talking was being drowned out by the beep, that terrible beeping. It was louder than it had been. She must find out what the voices were saying. Her breathe was growing shallow. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
Someone was touching her hand. She tried to grasp it but her own hand refused to move. Mom! Nothing would move. What was happening? She screamed but nothing came out, no one could hear. She needed to hear them. She needed to be heard! And that beeping! Stop! It was growing louder still, enclosing her in its sound. She screamed again. Mom! Dad! Please here me! Please don’t cry! The hand left hers. They could not hear her. The footsteps receded; no one was speaking anymore, a door slammed. She was alone; she was alone with the beep. It was the only thing she knew, the only thing that mattered anymore; everything else was gone. Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep…beep…beep…beep.
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This article has 37 comments.
A. MA. ZING.
'nuff said
Veeeeerrrry niiiiiice!
I agree that this style of writing is certainly reminding me of Poe. Very well done, Roxy! I love it! It keeps me on my toe. I actually did several sentences in Who Am I? ch. 2 wondering what the patient was doing besides being in a coma :) Hahaha, I'm still waiting for the editor's approval. Anyways, I didn't really care about your grammar because the storyline was so good that it just sucked me in. I agree with other people as well that this big paragraph should definitely divided into smaller paragraphs to add on to the suspense. And, please write more!!! I love it!! This story definitely deserves a 5-star rated :D
P.S. I think I actually was holding my breath at one point near the end after the person who touched her hand left :'i
It was very exciting and I loved the idea. One or two issues, though.
1. Is she confused about how she got there? Or does she remember what happened? You don't nescessarily need to let the readers know what happened, just clue us in on what she knows about her situation.
2. Your paragraphs are a little long and hard to read. They could be broken up into smaller sections.
3. It should be, "Mom! Dad! Please hear me!" not "here me".
Other than that, good job.
P.S. I read through the comments, and your third sentance is fine the way it is. All the time flows better, but both ways are correct.
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