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The Can That Wouldn't Open
Narrator: Kaitlin and Taylor are in Kaitlin’s kitchen at her house. Kaitlin is trying to open a can of Pepsi, and Taylor is just leaning against the wall, looking bored because she has no life.
Kaitlin: Hey, Taylor, can you help me open this?
Taylor: [grabs can] Yeah, sure. [turns it in her hand, prying at it, trying to open it, and grunting when she doesn’t succeed]
Kaitlin: Taylor, do you need my dad to-
Taylor: No, no, no. I don’t need [grunts] anybody’s help. [growls in frustration] Darn it! Can’t open this stupid thing!
Kaitlin: Will this do? [hands her a knife]
Taylor: [smiles] Perfect. [tries to open it with knife, but fails] Argh! It still won’t open! [then eyes a battleaxe leaning against the counter and smiles devilishly]
Kaitlin: Taylor, what are you doing? [eyes Taylor worriedly]
Taylor: [picks up the battleaxe with a grunt and drags it over to the can] Watch out! [lifts the battleaxe high above her head and slams it down onto the can, but it still doesn'topen] Argh! Why isn’t this working?!
Kaitlin: [has a worried look on her face] Taylor, you sure you know what you’re doing?
Taylor: [snorts] You insult me, Kaitlin. I know exactly what I am doing.
Taylor: [picks up a shotgun leaning against a box and points it at the can] That can is as good as opened. [pulls the trigger, but the can still doesn’t open] Argh!! How much more can this freaking can take?! [throws down the shotgun angrily and then spots a flamethrower Kaitlin just happens to have at her house and grins mischievously]
Kaitlin: [looks where Taylor is looking, and her eyes widen] Taylor! You wouldn’t! You shouldn’t mess around with that thing!
Taylor: [smile widens] Now, stop being such a worry wart. Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.
Kaitlin: [groans] Whenever you say “Don’t worry,” it means I should worry.
Taylor: [sighs in annoyance] Seriously, Kaitlin. You worry too much. [then she engulfs the can in flames, grinning in triumph] See, there was nothing to worry about. [but then she frowns when Kaitlin dowses the flames with a fire extinguisher and the can still isn’t open] Are you freaking kidding me?! [yells in frustration and looks like she's about to punch a hole in the wall]
Kaitlin: [still has a worried frown on her face] Uh, Taylor, are you sure you’re not overdoing this? You look like you went through a tornado a dozen times!
Taylor: [twitches one eye, looking a bit insane] I really hate that can.
Kaitlin: But it's just-
Taylor: I SWEAR, IT'S PLOTTING AGAINST ME!!!
Kaitlin: [looks at her nervously] I’m getting my dad. Dad!
Kaitlin’s Dad: Yeah Kaitlin…? [notices mess] Uh, what happened here?
Kaitlin: Taylor was trying to open my Pepsi can for me, but-
Taylor: BUT THAT STUPID CAN WON’T OPEN!!!
Kaitlin’s Dad: What’s wrong with her?
Kaitlin: [sighs] That can has driven her crazy.
Kaitlin’s Dad: Uh, she has tried opening the regular way, right?
Taylor: [stares at Kaitlin’s dad, dumbfounded] What?
Kaitlin’s Dad: You haven’t tried to open it the regular way, have you?
Kaitlin’s Dad: [sighs]
Taylor: [opens can the regular way and gives it to Kaitlin]
Kaitlin: [goes away, drinking the long-awaited Pepsi]
Narrator: So, they all probably lived happily ever after without any more of Taylor’s crazy ways of opening Pepsi cans. The end.
Concord, North Carolina
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