CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Omniscient. Wry. Emotionally distant, as narrators are.

ONE - Calm and collected. Seeks stability.

TWO - Quiet and meek. Goes along with things.

THREE - Aggressive and impulsive.

FOUR - Sarcastic. Just a little rebellious.

SETTING

A dry, lifeless room.

TIME

The present, or something enough like it.

(LIGHTS UP on a mysterious room. A couch sits stage right, while a cardboard box with the word “Box” scrawled on the front rests farther down stage left. There is one closed door upstage. The NARRATOR stands down stage right, facing the audience, while ONE, TWO, THREE, and FOUR sit dazedly on the couch.)

NARRATOR

Our four befuddled characters awake in a mysterious and unfamiliar locale.

ONE

(Standing.)

Whoa! This is a pretty mysterious and unfamiliar locale!,

NARRATOR

said one.

TWO

(Standing.)

Where are we?,

NARRATOR

pondered another.

THREE

(Standing.)

I’m getting out of here!,

NARRATOR

exclaimed a third, without a clue of what would soon unfold.

FOUR

(Standing, walking towards the NARRATOR.)

Hold it.

NARRATOR

(Turning to FOUR.)

Pardon?

FOUR

What did you say?

(Beat.)

Just now.

NARRATOR

Just now?

FOUR

Just now.

NARRATOR

(Bending down and picking up a script.)

“'I’m getting out of here!’, exclaimed a third, without a clue of what would soon unfold.”

(Sets the script back down.)

That’s it.

FOUR

Well, that’s… ominous.

ONE

Hey! Do you know what’s going on?,

NARRATOR

(Turning to the audience.)

one rudely interrupted.

THREE

Who are you?,

NARRATOR

another cried, like a petulant child.

FOUR

You know we can hear you, right?

NARRATOR

The four decided to pick on the harmless and humble narrator in order to mask their own feelings of vulnerability.

THREE

(Angrily.)

Hey, shut up!

NARRATOR

But their existential panic was about to increase tenfold–

ONE

Could you please explain what’s happening?

NARRATOR

But their existential panic was about to increase tenfold…

(Pausing, noting their silence.)

…When it came to their attention that someone in the room would die.

(A long beat.)

THREE

Well, I’m leaving.

(THREE power-walks to the door and gives it a push, but the door does not budge. THREE pushes again, a little harder.)

NARRATOR

There was no escaping this reality…

THREE

You’ve got to be kidding me.

NARRATOR

Just as no amount of pushing could open the door.

THREE

Could you please stop that?

NARRATOR

Look, I’m sorry, I’m just reading my lines.

ONE

(Standing on the couch.)

Look. Everyone. I don’t… really know what’s going on. I don’t think any of us do.

(A beat. The four glance over at NARRATOR.)

NARRATOR

Well, don’t look at me. Go on.

ONE

(Turning back.)

Anyway. We may not know how we ended up here. But if we put our heads together, I’m sure we’ll figure something out.

NARRATOR

(To the audience.)

The talky one was a riot at parties.

ONE

Stop. Everybody look around for a key, or something.

NARRATOR

(As the four search.)

They scanned around the door, under the couch, and all over the floor, neglecting the painfully obvious Box of Convenience resting nearby.

TWO

What?,

NARRATOR

questioned the quiet one, and searched the Box of Convenience.

FOUR

Wait.

TWO

What?

FOUR

Don’t move.

THREE

Yeah. Don’t let the narrator tell you what to do.

TWO

(Pausing.)

…I’m confused,

NARRATOR

declared the quiet one, and searched the Box of Convenience.

FOUR

Don’t do it.

TWO

Why not?,

NARRATOR

The quiet one shrugged, searching the Box of Convenience.

FOUR

Because maybe none of this has to happen.

(A long silence. Everyone is frozen.)

ONE

Hey, I’m… I’m just gonna… search the Box of Convenience.

FOUR

No!

(ONE opens the Box of Convenience and reaches inside.)

NARRATOR

The Box of Convenience was empty, apart from…

ONE

(Removing the contents.)

…straws.

NARRATOR

(Overplaying, to the audience.)

How… convenient!

FOUR

There is absolutely nothing convenient about that.

THREE

A key would’ve been nice.

NARRATOR

Suddenly, the talky one reached an all-too-clear conclusion.

ONE

One straw is short.

(Beat.)

There are five straws. We have to draw straws. Because–

NARRATOR

(Casually.)

Someone in the room will die.

ONE

Exactly.

THREE

Absolutely not,

NARRATOR

declared the angry one, before drawing the first straw.

(A long beat. THREE and the NARRATOR stare each other down. THREE, frustrated, snatches the first straw from ONE’S hand. FOUR does the same. Then, TWO. ONE extends a hand to the NARRATOR.)

ONE

Go on. There are five of us.

NARRATOR

(Staring at ONE before turning to the audience.)

This was highly unusual–

ONE

Go ahead.

(The NARRATOR, eyes closed, draws a straw. The five stare at each other. Beat. They open their palms. THREE has the short straw.)

THREE

Oh, no.

NARRATOR

It became apparent who had drawn the shortest of the straws.

THREE

You know, you really didn’t have to say that. I said “Oh, no.” I think it’s… already pretty obvious.

(Beat.)

ONE

So.

(Beat.)

Now what?

FOUR

We don’t… have to kill anyone today, do we?

NARRATOR

I hope you’re not asking me. I don’t know.

THREE

This is ridiculous! I’m not dead! I’m not dying!

NARRATOR

(Unhelpfully.)

Someone in the room will die.

THREE

This is a waste of time!,

NARRATOR

the angry one shouted, angrily, and went to the Box of Convenience.

THREE

(Madly.)

You know what? That’s a good idea! I think I will go to the Box of Convenience!

(THREE does so, rummaging through the box and removing a pistol.)

Aha!

NARRATOR

It was, in fact, very convenient.

THREE

All right. Fine! So maybe one of us is gonna die here. But it isn’t gonna be me!

(THREE wildly spins from one figure to another.)

Who is it gonna be?

NARRATOR

Nobody wished to respond.

THREE

So it’s you!

(Running up and holding the gun to the side of the NARRATOR’S head.)

Maybe you were the one destined to die all along!

NARRATOR

(Absurdly calm.)

Best not to assume that any of this is predetermined.

(To the audience.)

The angry one said,

THREE

I’m going to shoot you in the head right now!,

NARRATOR

with great confidence, though it was actually a lie.

THREE

Excuse me?

NARRATOR

(Turning to THREE.)

Oh, pardon. What I’m trying to say is… you are lying.

THREE

Are you calling me a liar?

NARRATOR

(Thinking.)

Well, um.

(Beat. Confidently.)

Yes.

THREE

You don’t think I have the guts? Is that it?

NARRATOR

I don’t know about all that. But–

THREE

Then how would you know?

NARRATOR

I don’t know. It’s just…

(Awkwardly motioning to the script on the floor.)

the script says you’re lying.

(A long, intense pause. THREE lowers the gun, trembling.)

THREE

Yeah, you’re right.

FOUR

Hey, hey, it’s fine, it’s fine.

(FOUR puts a hand on THREE’S shoulder. THREE whirls around, panicked, and impulsively shoots FOUR. Bang! A long silence.)

THREE

Oops,

NARRATOR

said one, in a surprisingly sincere tone.

(A long silence. Suddenly, ONE, TWO, and THREE all rush for the door. They push, but the door does not open.)

ONE

What are we doing wrong?

THREE

I shot the wrong one!

ONE

I don’t think it’ll do anything!

THREE

I shot the wrong one! I have to shoot someone else!

ONE

Wait, stay calm, we’ll figure out another–

(THREE whips the gun around and shoots ONE in the thigh. Bang!)

ONE

(Very loudly.)

Owwwwwwwwww!

NARRATOR

The gunshot wound was very painful.

(TWO snatches the gun from THREE and runs away from the door. THREE follows.)

THREE

Hey! Wait! Don’t–

(TWO shoots THREE in the chest. Bang! THREE collapses behind the couch. A long beat. TWO, surprised, walks around the corpse. TWO shoots THREE twice more, just to make sure. Bang! Bang! Another long beat. TWO is baffled, and shoots a fourth and final time. Bang! A long beat. TWO drops the gun, moves to the couch, and sits. ONE limps over to join TWO. A long pause.)

ONE

I thought only one of us was supposed to die.

NARRATOR

I didn’t say that. I said, “Someone in the room will die.” My wording was very specific. You should pay attention.

(TWO suddenly begins gasping for breath. TWO dies. A long pause. NARRATOR glances over.)

Natural causes.

(Beat.)

That’s the death I was talking about. The rest, all of you did on your own.

(A long pause. ONE stands, then limps to the door. ONE pushes the door again. It does not budge.)

ONE

Why won’t it…

NARRATOR

Pull.

(ONE pulls the door open easily. ONE sighs, and limps off.)

END